Rip my mind to shreds...

Over, before it even began.

I should have learned by now that life solemnly provides the answers we seek, yet has a knack of knocking us off our feet with truths we never saw coming. What happens to the boy whose dreams are too big to catch, and his expectations of love too grand for anyone to uphold? What happens when a day comes by, when both of those things collapse right above my head, and there is no time for me to duck for shelter? How am I supposed to handle this? How am I supposed to survive? As these questions get etched into my brain, I am left with the simple realisation that I haven't changed as much as I'd like to believe. You know me better than anyone, and it's obvious as the light of day that my circumstances keep repeating themselves, forcing me to acknowledge that while I'd like to think I'm becoming whole, I am more torn apart than ever.

Enjoying the ride...

As he jumps down the waterfall he knows that wherever he may land, he shall survive. What makes the fall so magnificent is the simple fact that he has internalized the most inherent human attribute - that he is fleeting, that he will never be here again, and that one day, he shall be forgotten. There is so much meaning in the realisation that there is no meaning, that there is no greater power watching over him. There are only moments that feel like seconds, and once he reaches the end of his journey, those fractions of time will evaporate. Yet there is no sadness in this truth. There is no hurt or agony or depression, for it is clear as day that there can be no other way. We are given a life, just so that it can be taken away - and that is completely fine, it's completely fine with him.

I will try not to obsess about us or to over-think every single detail. I will instead trust and believe - perhaps such thoughts will surely lead me to lands unknown. I will whisper softly in your ear and make sure that you know, that you are certain without traces of doubt, that I am here, and that above all else, I love you. Every part of you. Even the dusty corners I wish I could sweep away. I love because it is my inherent nature to do so. To connect and form bonds without really understanding why. It is my belief that our story has chapters consisting of volumes I cannot quite grasp, yet shall make my knees tremble and eyes shut. I am going to find a way to make this feeling last forever, for it to entangle my soul, and once and for all prove, that I am greater than the sum of my parts. Come oblivion or serenity, nothing will stop me now.

Sparks in the air like the forth of July...

Yellow diamonds in the light...

It's like you're screaming but no one can hear;

you almost feel ashamed 

that someone could be that important,

that without them, you feel like nothing.

Yet it's the way it is,

and I can't deny - 

I found love in a hopeless place.

My pieces...

Never shined so bright...

He is built from bricks of carelessness and crumbs, yet finds it impossible to navigate his new surroundings. He wonders if this is how happiness looks like. If he is being shown the life he swore he'd never lead, just so it will hurt so much more when it is taken away. He tries to be hopeful, but he feels as if there is something lurking in the background - something he cannot quite put his finger on. A shadow looming in the distance, waiting for the opportune moment to strike and tear down whatever may be left of his rotting soul. Even so, this is a story he wishes would continue forever, for it enables him to explore parts of this world he never thought would be his. He holds your heart, and you hold his in turn - both trusting that one will not squish the other, but gently caress it as it beats and hums and makes blood flow. Their fates remain intertwined and only the universe knows how their journey will end, perhaps lasting an eternity, maybe leading nowhere and everywhere at the same time, possibly being the greatest story told; you being the love of his life, and him, the love of yours. 

Lovers on the sun...

The memories being created right now feel like I made them up somehow, that I wrote them down in my notebook as a child. They don't seem real - a life I never thought I would deserve to live. You are my sun, and as much as my inner demons try to push you away, you stand beside me as strong as ever. You are the constant I always craved for, needed, and fantasised about. I may still be wrong, and these very words might jinx our possibly infinite future, but I don't care. These moments in time demand to be felt and expressed to their fullest extent, and I am more than happy to shout them off the rooftops. I love the way you love me, and I love the way I can't help but loving you. As happiness has never felt closer and more real, I am in owe how far I've actually come. There is no deceit here, no means to impress or to prove a point. I am with you for the sole notion that I wish to be by your side, and watch as you flourish into a greater version of yourself. I hold your hand, because I have never felt safer, and I intend to hold it for as long as I draw strength.

Sink my pain with the help of your waters...

My low blows...

What if I said I'd break your heart?

What if I said I have problems that make me, me?

What if I knew I would just rip your mind apart?

Would you let me out?

Maybe you can stop before you start.

Maybe you can see that I may be just too crazy to love.

If I told you solitude fits me like a glove,

would you let me out?

Baptise my soul...

I cannot shake this god-awful feeling that I'm not doing enough. I should have days filled with more to occupy my mind - not drift from story to story, hardly taking the time to live the life I was given, but instead conjuring deeper layers of a life that exists solely in my mind. I am neither happy or content, neither fully committed or with one foot out the door. I am, as it seems, where I've always been - in deep limbo, trying to keep my balance, without the courage to pick a side and simply let myself fall. I've become such a hassle to myself, even though, to an outside spectator, my life may seem greater than ever before. I love, and I'd like to believe I am loved. I work and dream, and I'd like to think my labours will pay off. Why then this dreadful sensation that I am on the precipice of another storm? That I am about to be shaken and tossed from one extreme to the other, losing what I've gained, and losing so much more?

I will come to your river...

Maybe I can stop before I start...

I need to calm my nerves and remind myself that the bigger picture eludes definition, and that if I want to survive the minuscule distractions of today, I have to make sure I don't lose sight of the path I have set upon. It is so easy to lose ones way, to wander the streets, thinking you know exactly where you're going, then ending up somewhere you can't recognise, somewhere that scares you, that makes you lose your mind. Even though I might be frightened that I might have to sacrifice the ones I love, I am pacified by the simple realisation that in the grand scheme of things - my life doesn't actually matter. My actions and emotions hold no sway. I shall be forgotten, my name will become as meaningless as the dust beneath my feet. I will slowly, but surely, drift into oblivion, be consumed by the darkness, become one with the void - and that my dear friends, is quite all right.

He feels as if he is at his most vulnerable. Exposed. Naked. He has no armour. He is soft, easily broken. He lays bear and awaits destruction, for someone to swing out of the sky, and stab him with blades of moonlight. Instead of blood, a blue liquid shall pour from his veins - the remains of every star he ever dreamt of, and the ashes of the sun, as it disintegrated in the palm of his hands. It is finally evidently clear how deep his wounds really are, yet even amidst his agonizing fears, he tries to remember that vulnerability isn't the opposite of strength. It's a necessary part. He has to force himself to open up, to expose himself, to offer up everything he has, and just pray that it's good enough. Otherwise he'll never succeed.

Light me up...

Bring colour to my skies...

We might as well be lovers on the sun.

I fear that if I hold you too tight, you shall falter beneath my fingertips, that I will crush our bond that sometimes feels impenetrable. I dread a future where I will have to let you go, and all that shall remain of us will be ash and dust. I have never dived so deep, which makes me scared that I won't be able to follow the current - that I'll drown. Before I held you in my arms, I was unable to grasp what it means to love without agenda, without burden or deceit. Before you I was merely a boy writing about what it entails to give your heart, and receive one in turn - simply a child trying to imagine how he'll ever fit into this world. Now I stand a man with his emotions intertwined and mind forever bold. I will not let fear hold me back, nor will I collapse under the pressure. Instead I shall smile, tell you I love you, and gaze in your eyes as you gaze into my soul.

The weight of a simple human emotion...

You lost a part of your existence

in the war against yourself.

Oh, the lights,

they light up in the lights of sadness,

telling you it's time to go.

And I don't want to let this go,

I don't want to lose control,

I just want to see the stars with you.

Determined and demanding to ache...

V meni se ponovno rojeva tempest in komaj še dohajam nevihti. Skušam ji uiti – najti zavetrje, da ne uniči vsega, kar sem zgradil, čeprav globoko v sebi slutim, da je že prepozno. Ne vem, kako, ne vem, zakaj, vem le, da sem ponovno, kjer sem bil. Psihoza se širi in golta še zadnje delčke racionalnosti. Ne vidim več jasno, že zdavnaj ne več. Ne prepoznam, kdo sem, ali kdo hočem postati. Žre me, da sem šibak. Kako še vedno nisem to, kar mi je obljubila, da bom. Krivim njo, ker mi je dala upanje, ker me je držala v naročju in mi obljubila, da bom nekoč imel vse. Zaradi nje sem skočil in padel, sedaj pa ležim na tleh, in prvič me je zares strah, da ne bom imel moči ponovno vstati. Premalo sem za ta svet. Nisem dovolj lep, nisem dovolj velik, nisem dovolj pameten, nisem dovolj … nisem dovolj vse.