Keeping dreams alive...

Power surged through me: unfettered power, unimaginable power. It coursed through me and gave life to my maddened cry, feeding it, making it unnecessary even to breathe. Deeper and deeper my scream became, until it was the primal voice of the very land itself. It was raw, searing. It was the energy of making and undoing, and I had unleashed it wide. But I am amazed how it's not going in, but it's expanding out. So now I don't have to keep trying to make sure there isn't a little atom bomb inside me. But I can trust there is energy everywhere outside, and all I have to do is be open to it. So it comes back to me at the same time.

So caught in the dark...

I've been strong, for so long,

that I never thought, 

how much I needed this.

Strangers rushing past, 

just trying to get home, 

but you are the only safe haven, 

that I've known.

Stay right by my side...

A little lost without you...

Things happened to him, like the crying fits, the panic attacks, but they seemed to descend on him from outside, rather than emanating from somewhere inside himself. And then he found himself standing in a room, looking around, seeing thousands of himself. He banged the walls made of mirrors, but they wouldn't break. Their laugh filled his heart and with fear, he curled up and sat there. And then she came out of nowhere and wrapped her arm around him. She held his hand, together they got up and walked towards a wall. He raised his head and looked at the reflections, but all he saw there was only himself. She turned and smiled at him and touched the wall. It cracked and shattered into pieces. She inside him broke all the walls around him. He was free, or at least one step closer to accepting his new reflection.

Please be true...

Stars, too, were time travellers. How many of those ancient points of light were the last echoes of suns now dead? How many had been born but their light not yet come this far? If all the suns but ours collapsed tonight, how many lifetimes would it take us to realize we were alone? He had always known the sky was full of mysteries - but not until now had he realized how full of them his journey was.

I slipped in and out of consciousness as time stretched and flowed around me. Dreams and reality blurred, but I liked the dreams better. In them I did my best to fight and claw my way back to the life I once knew, but panic had taken over and colours were swirling and fading all around me. It was all turning into a great cloud of blackness, just like the one I had seen in my dream. The looming cloud of nothingness I had feared for so long was finally grabbing me, wiping my world dark and blank. The darkness was thick and intense, an inky void that stretched to eternity in every direction.

I've been thinking, I need you to save me...

Some ways less and some ways more...

I wanna wake up

with your weight by my side,

and I wanna think that

you look good as you rise.

And I wanna turn to you,

turn around by your side,

and I want to think,

but not to say.

Let me face,

the sound and fury.

Let me face

hurricanes.

Tell me when all of this will end...

All them little tricks...

Naturally - and why should I not admit this - I have recently wondered quite extensively how things might have turned out in the long run, if I didn't uproar my life in such a way. I only speculate this now because in the light of subsequent events, it could well be argued that in making my decision, I was perhaps not entirely aware of the full implications of what I was doing. Indeed, it might even be said that this small decision of mine constituted something of a key turning point; that that decision set things on an inevitable course towards this pit I have found myself in. But then, I suppose, when with the benefit of hindsight one begins to search one's past for such turning points, one is apt to start seeing them everywhere. What would have transpired, one may ask, had my vanity not completely washed over me?

I got my head out the sunroof...

The truth can have a funny way of revealing itself. One would like to think, in all its undeniable power, it would always be obvious. Either golden, a glorious beam that parts the clouds and lights the way, or totally hideous, a nasty pit that opens up in the earth, completely dark save the theroid eyes and teeth of those terrible monsters that reside there. But it can be sneakier than these. It can be pernicious. It can creep in like smoke, slowly but unwavering, until all that's left is that blackness that one would expect in the pit, but instead of the monsters, it's the thing itself that begins to kill you, only from the inside out.

Time is running out, no need to take it slow...

I steer clear of telling. I can't come out with it. The outlandish truth of what I did. How can I reveal this to someone unsuspecting and expect not to be judged? With those who know my story I talk freely about everything, yet this is something I wish to remain only within my heart. I keep it under wraps because I don't want to shock or make anyone distressed, to be made a fool or a spectacle of. It's becoming harder to keep it hidden. Everyday I have to tell another untruth. Another fabrication of the truth. At best I am vague, but I can't just drop it on someone, especially now, after all these lies. 

And now I found it easier to avoid people all together. It's not that I should be honest with everyone, the white lies I tell strangers I don't mind. But there are those I see time and again, have drinks with, share jokes, and even they don't know. They see my cheery side. And I kick myself for being a fraud. I can see, though, that my secrecy does me no favors. It probably makes worse my sense of being outlandish. It confirms to me that it might be abhorrent, my story, or that few can relate to it.

Hiding out deep down...

I put my armor on, 

show you how strong how I am

I'll show you that I am invincible,

I win every single game,

I'm so powerful,

I don't need batteries to play.

I'm so confident,

I'm unstoppable today.

Take back my life song...

There are caravans he follows...

One day it will all make sense, it will all be revealed. Until then, I learn to live and accept my shadows, my Déjà vu's, my dreams, my intuition that takes me to places that my mind never conceived, my body only perceived and my soul gladly remembered. My heart gives me direction, hope and the passion to keep moving forward. But what do I do when it's frozen, broken or torn apart? Deep inside, I feed the entities that empower the fight between my internal demons and angels. I feed them with my thoughts and my emotions that I lower my shields to at times. Whether good or bad, this brings about a change and at times there isn't much I can do to protect myself. At times, I need to let things be and go along with it. I guess what I'm trying to convince myself of, is that I need to give it some more time, some more light, some more love. I'm not very far away.

Let me show it...

As it was...

The path of healing won't appear until you start walking and you may go through the stages once, or many times; perhaps in one order, perhaps in another. So start walking, and as you become accustomed to walking, watch your fear of dark places disappear. Start walking because objects in motion tend to stay in motion - once you get going, you will keep going. Start walking because your small steps will eventually become giant leaps. Start walking, and if it helps, bring a bag of pebbles with you for good luck. Start walking, not because it's easy, but because it's hard. Start walking because it's the only way forward.