My last appeal...

The things I hide from you...

I almost have no words for the year that is about to come to an end. Never have I felt as much, done as much, gained as much or lost as much. I've not only survived, but I prospered. I've become more attune to myself, and I have a sense that I am one step closer to the dreams I dream - still, to this very day. Torment and agonizing developments left me scarred, yet with a new found determination to reach even higher. For the past four years, ever since I embarked on the true journey of self-discovery, I felt this immense amount of pressure to validate myself as an individual who is capable of receiving love and giving it in return. Now as I stand ready to face whatever might come next, I am calm for I know that when love might lurk its head again, I'll be ready. Until then I push onward, because I understand that my fantasises won't wait for me forever, and if I don't transcend now, I could lose my chance. I have finally found that part of me again that most pity and find unphantomable, but for me it represents my greatest asset - my ability to be self-sufficient. I don't need anybody, and it's not sad or demented. As a writer, it is a curse I gladly bare, for it allows me to create, to find meaning in the meaningless, and share my story with you. And that has always been enough for me.

He's shaking off the rust...

Every habit he's ever had is still there in his body, lying dormant like flowers in the desert. Given the right conditions, all his old addictions would burst into full and luxuriant bloom. But he needs you to know that he has absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which he sometimes so madly indulges. It has not been in pursuit of pleasure that he's perilled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom. There are all kinds of addicts, he would assume. We all have pain. And we all look for ways to make the pain go away - the methods he chose just happened to cause even more ruin. So as he bundles up and tries to figure out what the next incarnation of himself looks like, a smile crosses his face, for he knows that whatever might come, it will surely be a story to remember.