Bon voyage...

The breakdown...

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, why it hurts so bad, the thing to remember is that it can all turn around just like that, because that's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe. That's how you survive...

Grief comes in its own time for everyone. In its own way. So the best thing we can do, the best anyone can do, is try to be honest and let yourself feel it when it comes and let it go when you can...

The very worst part is that the minute you think you've passed it. It comes all over again. And always, everytime, it takes your breath away...

A basket full of gossip...

It's strange, this need we have as human beings to know things about each other, to spread news, to spread lies about the people around us. It can be extremly fun but there comes a point where it can all spiral out of control and it turns into a flaming ball of fire that cannot be stopped until it burns everything to the ground...

The sad part is that the people who contributed the least, are usually the ones that get blamed the most. I wanted to stop the ball, I really did. But something inside of me, an instinct if you will, forced me to roll it down a hill...

They say that the best thing to do during a fire is to run away as far as possible and wait untill it goes out. But what if you're stuck in the middle of the blazing inferno with no way to escape? I'm stuck. Surrounded by the scorching tempest that I lit in the first place. Karma really is a bitch...

The glue that holds us together...

I have achieved quite a lot in my life. I have been praised for my work, for my dedication, for my talent. I recieved countless awards, earned privileges that seperate me from the pack and I have gained the respect of many. I came so far, because I decided on a path and went for it, no matter how many walls I had to tear down to get there. I was on my way and nothing could stop me...

But as always, nothing comes without a price. The alienation of my flesh and blood is what I was forced to pay. He views my success as his failure. He belittles himself because I grew taller than he did. He resents me and he makes me feel like I don't deserve all the things that happened, even though we both know I worked harder than he ever will...

We can either accept these sacrifices or we can try to fight it and have it all. I'm tired of fighting. Especially for things I never really cared about in the first place. He played his role and now I must play mine. I chose it long ago and I'm going to stick with it. There's a good chance that I'm going to regret what I'm about to do. Luckily I'm strong enough to simply not give a damn...

She's got magic to do...

As you might have figured out by now, I am one of those people that believe in karma. Even though I sometimes don't understand her, because she works in such strange ways. As all faiths she is hard to maintain, because all to often she seems like she doesn't exist and she fails us when we think we need her most...

But the imporant thing to remember is that the moment you stop believing she's there, you've already lost the battle. It's hard. It really is. Take it from someone who thought about giving up so many times you can't even imagine. But everytime I was close to throwing in the towel, I told myself that I just have to be patient a little while longer. She hasn't disappointed me so far. In fact karma works in such intriguing ways for me, that I really can't wait to see what she has in store for me next...

So I try my best to do things that she deems worthy. But all too often, I screw things up. I do things that I know will come back and bite me in the ass, that will haunt me for not doing the right thing. So here I stand, completely at her mercy, hoping and wishing she knows what she's doing...

'S wonderful, 's marvelous...

Don't you just love days when you can put aside all your worries and problems for a few hours and just enjoy yourself? Well today was one of those days for me and to tell you the truth it felt so good to not fight all the time for a change, to just hang and take in all the beauty while it lasts...

Days like this make me not want to go to sleep. Because I know that when I wake up tomorrow it's back to the drawing board. It's kind of sad when you really think about it. I mean isn't life suppose to be about looking forward to all the tomorrows and not being able to wait for what's to come? But here I am, wishing this day could last forever. Although the trully sad part of it all is that nothing really special happened today. The sheer lack of fights and drama is what made this the perfect day...

I find it unbelievable that it takes so little for me to enjoy myself. Just goes to show how far I've actually sunk. The good news though is that days like this give me hope. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe time does heal all wounds. Or maybe days like today is all I get, while I slowly, but surely sink away...

A grim discovery...

I was asked the most intriguing question today. If you could kill anyone, anyone at all and get away with it, who would you kill? I guess most of us like to think that our answer would be that we wouldn't kill anyone, because killing is so morally wrong, that we couldn't do it under any circumstances. But the more I thought about the question, the more I realised how disturbed my mind actually is...

As humans we like to think that we're socialised, civilised and that our rationality is what separates us from savage animals. But the truth is that we're no better, because we still really on our instincts, we keep folding under our urges and like animals we live in a society where only the fittest survive and more often than none our success comes at the price of another persons misery. So just like animals, it is in our nature to kill our enemies, to fight of our predators, to protect ourselves and the people we love. The only thing that's stopping us from crumbling underneath our basic instincts is that we're afraid of the consequences that we might not be able to handle...

There is no other deeper meaning to killing and death. We try to rationalise it with things like motives, but really, there is no such thing as a motive. I mean we see cases where people kill, because of something as trivial as an ipod. We tell ourselves that there's no way a human being would kill someone else without a concrete reason, a concrete motive. We do that because we simply don't want to admit that in reality there is no other reason to kill besides the urges that control us, the instincts that we succumb to as animals...

So to answer the question. If I could get away with killing anyone, anyone at all. I'd kill anyone, anyone at all...

How to dream...

It should have been me...

Rad bi dihu ves tvoj zrak,

ki jemlje sapo in moj dah.

A to ni dovolj za svet,

ki pravi da sm nor...

Ampak vsi slepih oči bodo jokal,

ko s strahom bitko bodo klal

in z begom sebe vrgl stran...

A crude awakening...

Today was a long day filled with drama, sorrow, betrayal and violence. Now that it's finished I'm angry at one man. He did such horrific things. He struck her down like she wasn't even a person. He took away a life. Maybe not in a literal way, but still, what he did was even worse than murder. At least in death she would have had peace...

I tried to do something. I really did. But it was as if something had bolted me into the ground. I hate myself for freezing. I should have been stronger. I always thought that I was. Afterwards I was so angry with him, for doing what he did. The rage I felt, was unlike anything before. All I could think about was how much he ruined her life with that single blow...

I now realise that my reaction was simplistic. Because I am not angry, I am sad. I watched as he did all those things. I watched with countless others. I faded away in the crowd. Those of us who rewarded him, those of us who watched and did nothing. Are we the condemned?

The end has no end...

There's no such thing as a fearless person. Every single one of us is afraid of something. There's the more obvious ones, like people who are afraid of the dark or spiders or something of equal insignificance. Then there are the ones who are a bit more interesting and are terrified of things like commitment or love. I've also met a few people that were oddly enough afraid of being great, of living up to their true potential, of being who they truly are...

I'm probably afraid of all those things, or maybe I'm not. I honestly don't know anymore. All I know is that the thing I fear most is the calm. The calm before the storm. The storm isn't that scary, because at least by now I know that the storm I can weather. It's the silence, the waiting, the part where you don't know what to expect that is utterly horrirfying...

So I sit quietly and peacefully in the calm. Wishing I could enjoy it and savor this moment. But it scares me. I don't like it. What if it stays like this forever? Then I guess I'll just have to create a little bit of thunder on my own...

The straw that broke the camels back...

I hate disappointing people. Even more than I hate disappointing myself. It's sad really but I just can't help but care what other people think. And the worst part isn't that I end up obsessing about all of my actions that let people down, the worst part is that I find it extremly hard to say no, to basically anything, to anyone...

So I try my best and work as hard as I can, to make sure I maintain the image that people have of me. I make sure I live up to other peoples expectations, because in a twisted way, by doing so, I also live up to mine...

But every so often, I do something that shatters that illusion and reveals the ugly truth. After that happens I always jump into fixing mode and try to salvage what's left of the illusion and reinstate it into their minds. But not anymore. I'm done playing games. Today they pushed me to my limit. You want the truth? Well come and get it...

My moment of greatness...

Today was a good day. It gave me the will to move forward. I didn't actually think the event I attended tonight was going to impact me in the way it did. I saw it as a waste of time. As one of those things I just have to do. Yet it is on this very event that the clouds of bewilderness slowly started to scatter and I was able to see things more clearly. More clearly than ever...

As I gazed upon the people I ran away from so many years ago, I noticed something I hadn't before. They all seemed so small. So insignificant. So pathetic. I outgrew them all. If only I knew all the things I know now back then. Maybe things would have been different...

They say he who laughs last, laughs best. It may sound like it makes sense, but in reality the fact is that I still laughed last. Even if it was the loudest laugh in the entire world, it was still too little, it was still too late...

But now I wonder. How long can this laughter sustain me? How long will it last? But most importantly, I wonder, was it really the last laugh?

With blood shut eyes...

I've always been a person that likes to create plans. I guess it comes from my overcritical nature. I constantly think about everything, most of the time I think about things too much. So I make plans. But they rarely turn out the way they're suppose to...

I can execute everything to the letter. I can align all the elements, but there comes a point where all I can do is shut my eyes and hope things turn out the way they are shaped in my head. Almost... Almost... But not really...

I never thought that something as trivial as a post office error would be the end of everything. It's kind of funny when you really think about it. I mean the universe sure must hate you if it ruins years of work with something so...

Maybe this is some sort of sign that it was never meant to be, or maybe this just means that next time I'll have to try harder, or maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe there is no plan. Maybe there's nothing more I can do. All I know is that I'm tired. So tired that I can't even sleep...

Tell me baby, what's your story...

Where you come from

and where you want to go...

I can see her face...

I've decided to be optimistic for once. This last highschool year is going to be great. I'm going to do great in school. I'm going to have fun and most of all I'm going to get everything I want out of life. I mean it's time isn't it? Maybe if I look forward to the future instead of dreading it, things will go better...

I was in almost the exact same place a few years ago. I know what I should do and I'm going to do it. I just have to let everything go. I'm determined to make it this time. I was told once that if you want to stop all the crap that's happening to you, you have to stop accepting crap and demand something better. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. Screaming my lungs out and not backing down till my demands are met...

It's all about optimism. I can change everything, right? Or am I just fooling myself again? Am I setting myself up for disaster? The old me would believe that. But, things have changed. Now it's all about optimism...