I'm here for your entertainment...

Le kdo mi zdaj ob strani stoji,

ko že stotič pod koleni boli,

le kdo zavida sanje,

ki v resnici jih ni...

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...

The game has changed. It is slowly starting to make sense. I still can't quite see the finish line, but I know it's close. I might be in the lead, though I'm not really sure. Up until I reach the end I'm always uncertain as to how I am doing compared to everyone else. I guess it's better this way, because without the ability to judge my progress on the basis of others, I make sure that I never let my guard down and expose myself to my longtime nemesis...

While the game itself transformed, the rules remain the same, as in, there are none. We play dirty, we cheat a little, sometimes we even stop to catch our breath, but all of us play to win. We all want to be the best at something, anything. The important thing to remember, is that we should never try to impose that something upon others. I tried it with someone recently, suffice it to say it failed miserably...

After a day like today, when so many dreams came true, and so many didn't, I can't help but wish that She would be here, so that I could have someone who would understand. She always did or at least she pretended to, either way it truly sucks that I can't share all of this with her. The funny thing is that I have no one else to blame but me. One moment of recklessness and everything changed, everyone changed, except for her, who was because of that single moment, lost forever...

My little corner of the world...

It's our last chance honey...

There comes a moment when all you can do is take a deep breath, close your eyes and jump. It's terrifying, not because the fall might hurt, but because it might just be the best thing I'll ever do. I know it sounds silly, yet I almost wish that it all doesn't work out, that I end up drowning in the vast ocean of unfulfilled wishes and broken dreams. I almost wish that I'd never find my way back and that in itself is really screwed up...

So I sit here and wait. I wait for her, I wait for all of you to lend me a hand and pull me out of the twisting nether. I can't belive how far I've sunk, that I feel the need to call for others to break me out, something I dreaded not so long ago. It just goes to show how circumstances change. I'm still not sure if people do, but I guess that's one more thing I need to figure out before I have the courage to jump...

I have a feeling something big is around the corner. I can usually sense these things and I hate that I do, because it would be a lot easier to simply not know and let everything surprise you as it comes. I can't ignore my senses, my instincts, no matter how much I wish I could. She's coming to claim what's rightfully her's. To impose justice and order. To balance the playing fields, that seem so drastically out of place...

The big bang theory...

I don't know who I am. I can't tell you how good it feels to say that out loud. To be able to just admit that I don't have all the answers and that I have no idea what I'm doing. But mostly I wonder still, why am I me, why are you you? Can I be me, without you. Can you be you, without me?

We all strive to figure out all these enigmas and more, but I haven't really met anyone who has been successful. We all feed on each other's confusion and deprivation. If only we once in a while looked more closely, beyond the superficial armor that all of us wear and see that we're all a lot more alike than we would like to admit. We're all looking for that thing, that makes us who we want to be. That thing that we can call our own and actually use to make our lives seem, normal...

I don't know who I am. I probably never will. And to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean what's the point if we reach a stage where we can't grow anymore, where we can't change. I hope I never do. At least that's what I tell myself in order to rationalise that I'm as lost as ever, between what is and what should be...

Stairway to heaven...

There's really nothing better than gazing up into the sky, filled with an endless stream of stars, while having a certain smokable substance in your hand that makes everything seem so, simple. The stars represent an endless stream of possibilities, to connect, to reach out to one another, to form bonds that make our life meaningful. At least that's what we like to think...

But in essence, all we're doing is running away. Fleeing from the cruel realities of our world, from the harsh circumstances that the universe has put us in and most of all we're running from ourselves. We can run as fast as we can, as long as we can, but at the end it will always catch up to us. The second the effects of the magical substance wear off, it's all over. We crash back faster than we escaped. And that moment, when you hit rock bottom, hurts like hell...

The sad thing is that knowing all of this, doesn't stop us from escaping, of giving in to the addictive nature of using something, anything, to forget how much the world isn't fair. How much we hate the things we do and how much we try to change who we are. The stars are comforting. Our addictions are rejuvenating. And if all that means I can get up in the morning, then nothing can stop me from running for my life...

Please don't stop the music...

Music played and people sang,

just for me, the church bells rang.

She didn't even say goodbye,

she didn't take the time to lie.

Bang bang, my baby shot me down...

My forbidden fruit...

Loyalty is a funny word. We use it far too lightly to describe our everyday interactions with others. We use it recklessly to rationalise why we form relationships. They say both should be based on trust, on mutual respect, and above all else, loyalty. But far to often we take it for granted, right up to the moment when someone betrays our trust and makes us realise just how imporant it truly is...

What makes a friend a friend? There are a lot of different theories, yet all have one single thing in common. The roots from which most of them sprout are derived from this strange concept of devotion. I don't give mine away that easily. It can't be earned in a day. It has to be earned day-by-day. And once it is given, it better never be broken, because if nothing else, I'm known for holding grudges...

But as I've learned, there is no such thing as loyalty anymore. We are weak, spineless. We do what we can to fit inside the box. But there are those who desperately try to break down the bars of our cage, and for them, it's certainly hard to find others that are willing to follow, to be faithful. I may be one of them, or maybe I'm not. I don't know anymore. The one thing I do know, is that the more I try to push away, the deeper I sink in...

The November issue...

I did it again. It just sort of happened. I didn't mean to do it. I swear it was an accident. I would never do something like that willingly. It's beyond my comprehension how I manage to do such stupid things. I just can't seem to learn. And for that, I have no one else to blame but me...

Why do I do the things I do, when I know other people can get seriously hurt? There is no excuse for my behaviour. But I need you all to know that I started out with the best of intentions. I guess I just wanted them to see it, to recognise it, the thing that makes them special. I guess that's what anybody wants. To be seen, to be accepted for who they are. I tried to help. I truly did. But then the lines, I set up as a safeguard, got blury. That combined with the fact that everything is in such a wierd place right now, created one big stinking mess...

I'm sorry I let you down. I don't know how much more I'll be able to say I'm sorry before it doesn't mean anything anymore. But I have this strange feeling, I'm going to find out...

I need you, to want me...

All that I am, all that I ever was...

Why is it that we can never just be happy with what we have? Why do we always want more? The second one of our wishes comes true, we start wishing about something else. The moment when we're supposed to be happy and grateful that our dream came true, fades away so quicky. It's funny if you really think about. I mean what's even the point then? Isn't it all about reaching that state of mind, where you no longer feel like you have to obsess about the future and you can be happy? Just where you are...

But no, here I am literally laughing about the fact, that I am once again exactly where I was. I'm barely keeping it together, even while writing this thing that is not a blog. It's just so hilarious...

Maybe it's a good thing. My ambition and never ending hunger is what got me here in the first place. Maybe it's just how I'm built. Because if that's the case, then I guess the only thing left for me to do, is to take myself apart and start putting the pieces back into something, that I'll one day truly be proud of. I have my work cut out for me this time. I just hope I don't end up building the same thing I built so many years ago...

Believe it or not, I'm walking on air...

In kaj nej vzamem, kaj pustim?

Na dlani je vse kar imam

in je pot, ki pozna

kraj brez kaplje dežja.

Na skalo na gori si rišem srce

in upam, da kamen prenese vse...

Written in the stars...

They say that the bigger your investment, the bigger your return. If you work for something really hard, if you're willing to go to all sorts of lengths to get it, you're supposed to get rewarded in the end. I can say, with absolute certainty and without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, that it's true...

But you have to be willing to take a chance. You have to be willing to fail. Because without the possibility to fail, there's no chance to succeed. They go hand in hand. But it's up to us to find the courage and endurance to just keep climbing up, because once we do, the view is truly inspiring. You have to understand you might lose it all. There's no other way around it. But if you take that chance. If you invest wisely, the payoff might just surprise you when you least expect it...

Good dreams, good dreams here to stay. Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away...

The age of discontent...

I just realised something today. It's not fair. It's not fair that I was there to fix her, that I helped her get through all her issues so that today, she can be happy. It's not fair that I don't get someone to do for me, what I did for her. She acted like she hated me most of the time, but I knew that deep down she was grateful. Because I never stopped budging. I never stopped asking. I never stopped caring. I was always there. Even if neither of us said a thing and we both stood there in silence. I was always there...

So now I ask her. Now I ask you. How is it fair that I'm still here? She's gone god knows where, doing god knows what, but I'm still here, where everything is the same. I do the same things. I wish the same wishes. I dream the same dreams...

But while everything here is the same, it's very very different. I'm lucky if I get through a day without wallowing in self pity. They treat me like... I was her hand, her shoulder, her saviour. And that is not difficult. It's unbearable...

Tainted obligation...

I don't admit this often, but... I'm exhausted. I'm burnt out from all the stress. All the wishing and hoping and all the drama that is my life, really take a toll on me. I try not to think about it to much. I try to just push forward and ignore the fact that I'm tired. But I can't outrun it. Sometimes I just have to concede that it caught up with me. And when it does, all I can do is bundle up and wait until it passes...

The hard part though, is that the rest of the world doesn't stop when I decide to take a break. They fuss and moan about me disappearing again. I can't really blame them, but one would think, that since I've ran away so many times before, they would be used to it by now. I guess it's a sign that they still care, or maybe it just means they like to torment me. It doesn't really matter anymore. I'm done with them. They can't be trusted and they're nothing more than means to my greater end...

The good thing about all this, is that the second I feel that I've regained my strength, I'm going to bounce back stronger than ever. I always did before and I'll do it again. I just need time. Time to think. Time to recover. Time to just let it all go...

Good boy gone bad...

I've always been a vindictive person. I don't think that people who betray me, or anyone else for that matter, should simply get away with it. An eye for an eye they say and I can't express how much I'm looking forward to plucking their eyes out...

Rome is burning, he said, as he poured himself another drink. Yet here I am near deep in a river of self pity. Here it comes I thought another self-indulgent whiskey soaked oldtimer preaching about how fucking great everything was in the past. And how all us poor souls, born too late, missed out on everything worth living for. The worst part was that I agreed with him...

Here we are I thought at the edge of the world, where all of us are so desperate to feel something, anything, that we keep falling into each other and screwing ourselves till the end of our days...