I'm about to turn up the heat...

Is it better to have something and then lose it and while doing so knowing that even though the pain of loss is great, you still had that something which changed your life. Or is it superior to not have that something in the first place and avoid all the agony that inevitably comes when you lose something dear?

I am not a jock. I will never be a valedictorian. What I do have is a gift, which has basically defined every single decision I made in the last four years. I gained the respect of my fellow pears. Some fear me, most envy me, a few seem like they actually give a damn. Yet in less than a month the very thing that makes me who I am, will be over. It is going to wash away and leave nothing behind. In a blink of an eye I'll no longer be me, not because I won't want to be, but because they who made me into this... person... will rip away the very essence of my soul...

So what happens then? Do I simply give in? Just raise the white flag and succumb to mediocrity? They say that it is such a terrible thing to fall, but what they don't tell you, is that it is far more terrible to actually admit it. I'm scared of what it will do to me, of what I'll become. I hate them for making me feel like this. It's Her fault, I never should have listened to her, but I guess she did get one thing right; the bigger you are, the harder you fall...

An inch that should have changed everything...

Most people don't need a lot to be happy. Small gifts here and there, a few words of appreciation or a kind gesture from a friend. Such individuals can find beauty in nearly every single thing that surrounds us, they can form bonds that last for an eternity and they have a habit of being utterly annoying with their sunshine personality…

It’s hard to connect with people. I’ve always envied those who seem to do it with ease. Most of us are simply afraid of putting ourselves out there, of exposing our hearts and risking getting hurt. We try to find excuses on why a relationship can’t work, we make small indiscretions into big ones, we push away at the first sign of trouble…

Sometimes in life we form bonds that can never be broken. Sometimes you truly can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. There is also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you, sometimes better than you know yourself, is the same person who's been standing beside you all along…

It has to get worse...

Before it can get better...

Življenja si ne morš pobarvat sam...

In tako sm padu na iskriv pogled...

Trust in me...

We assume the really serious changes in our life happen slowly, over time, but it’s not true. The big stuff happens in an instant. Becoming an adult, becoming a parent, becoming great. One minute you’re not and the next, you are. Ask anyone, and they can point to the one moment that changed their life. Whatever it is, nobody forgets it. Sometimes you don’t even know anything has changed. You think you’re still you and your life is still your life. Then one day you look around and you don’t recognize anything, not anything at all…

You never forget the moment you become great, or the moment you realize you’ll never be. You'll always carry it with you. Like a scar that never heals. The pain never goes away. It's always going to be there, reminding you of what could have been if you had the courage to jump...

A switch fliped today and suddenly everything doesn’t make sense anymore. All that I’ve worked for disappeared and I found myself completely alone. Just as I was, just as I’ll always be…

All I need is infinity...

If you can't handle me at my worst,

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best...

Let it bleed...

Why do I want to be great? Because the road sure as hell isn't easy. There always seems to be something standing in your way. Like a wall that you need to puff your lungs out to tear down. Sometimes it's even yourself. I don't have the perfect answer. At first it was about making my family proud, about making her proud of me. Then it was about changing lives. Touching the lives of others in a distinct way that makes them realise how special they truly are...

The truth is that I can't pick just one reason. I want to be great for all those reasons and a million more I haven't even thought of yet. Luckily I'm surrounded by amazing individuals, who are talented and they all strive for excellence. Then there are the new friends, the ones I meet along the road, that make it all a little easier to handle...

During my quest, there is bound to be collateral damage. I can't avoid letting people down. Sooner or later things start to unfold in a twisted way and all of a sudden you realise that you've failed at something, be it a task or a relationship. We get as much as we give. So I've decided to give a lot, then give a little more, to give until it hurts...

The final frontier...

Every now and then, something awful happens to each and every one of us. The difference between us though, is that some try to make it seem like their suffering is so much greater than that of others. I guess they think being a victim makes them special. But the thing about people like that, is that most can spot a fake from a mile away, especially those who know the true meaning of pain...

The nature of tragedy causes us to ask ourselves: what if? What if she hadn't died? What if I had chosen differently? What if I didn't make that mistake? What if I didn't let her fall? The problem with all these if questions, is that they'll always remain just that - if's. The best way to honour those who have passed away is to focus on what was and to keep on living the best way we know how...

You know what's the easiest way to spot a fake? Someone who was profoundly hurt would never let their guard down in a room full of crowded people, but you know who would? An attention seeker, who has nothing else to clinge to, but that last bit of hope, that someone actually gives a crap...

A brand new world...

A lot of people just want to be rescued from themselves. They wish they could be airlifted from their skin and dropped of into someone elses. Me, I just wish I could stay the same for at least a week. But then ironically I'd be a whole different person...

Change can be good for the soul. It can free you from your past, it can cause uncertainty for the future. Usually the only thing it does, is that it makes the present a little more tolerable, even if for just a few moments. Sometimes change is long overdue. It comes when we've already given up on everything, never before. It loves to torture us by prolonging its arival for as long as possible. But then when it finally comes, most forget about the agony which they had to endure while waiting and embrace the change with all they have...

In my case, change is just a big pain in the ass. It causes way too much trouble and confusion. I fear change yet at the same time I can't stop wishing that basically everything would change. I had hoped that I would enter this year with a sense of calm and direction. But as it seems I am more torn than ever. Luckily I found a new ally and I told him everything, including all the secrets of my past. He took it better than I thought. Actually I almost think he understood and maybe, just maybe, he might have all the answers I've been looking for...