I thought love was only true in fairytales...

I had no choice. Love does funny things to people. It twists the truth, then makes it into something no one can recognise, then before you even grasp it, you're alone again. As our eyes crossed paths for the briefest instant, I could hear your farewell echoing through my mind. Those words made me choke up and just as I was about to cry, the meaning of it suddenly became clear, I suddenly knew what I had to do...

What I've learned over the course of this month is that we're all entitled to our secrets. They make us feel safe. So as we mourn the life we never got to live, we clinge to our deepest desires, our melevolent dreams and our most dreadful sorrows. Some would call it a tragedy, others a story like no other. In my mind, it's a little bit of both, and no matter how you choose to view it, in the end I cannot deny how big of an impact it had on my life. But as I gazed at the rising sun, I realised something. First love isn't necessarily a synonym for greatest love, we just convince ourselves it is, because we're afraid we won't get a second chance to feel the real thing...

She never lost faith, but I think I'm losing mine. She made me believe that true love exists and even the darkest moments in our life can't take that away. We will have it again, we will find our way to the place where we belong, and when we finally get there, we need to have glorious stories to tell. Experience everything you want to, don't limit yourself. Then before you know it, we'll be looking into each others souls once more, with no regrets, full of love and lust and pride, because we were victorious, because we truly lived...

A crazy little thing called life...

Morda še prek oceana, od zibelke do neba...

Being a hero has its price...

There are moments, when I wish I could just take all the sadness away, but I have a feeling if I did, all the joy would be gone as well. So I take the memories as they come, accepting them all, letting them guide me wherever I'm destined to go. I was struck with the simple truth that sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people. But what happens when the people you thought were right, turn out to be the biggest let down of them all?

All of a sudden this shooting star came flying through the sky, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to see you again. I can remember every moment we were together, and in each of them there was something wonderful. I really can't pick any one time that meant more than the other. The process of healing the wounds you inflicted provided the richest experiences in my life, leading me to believe that there truly is a reason for everything...

The initial reaction I had was anger. But now I'm not angry any more. I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for letting you treat me the way you did. Maybe it's my fault for expecting too much, but that's just the way I am, the way I turned out. I want things to be better, for both of us. We found each other, so there must be a point to all this. A reason, which explains why our journey led us here. The pieces all fit together, yet somehow everything is falling apart...

Witnessing a miracle...

Freedom is a strange concept. Everyone wants it. Our hunger for it consumes us, until we live for nothing else than for the day we can finally say; I'm free. But what I've come to realise is that once we get it, once we break these ties that bind us, nothing really changes, it doesn't really make us whole. Some can't even handle it, it's just too much to bear. The intensity with which I linger for seasons past, extols my every thought to the stars and beyond. Freedom, as you'll all come to know, is just another word to mask the bittersweat truth that nothing will ever turn out the way we hope...

Now it begins. The real deal. The last song has been sung, the last dance has come and gone, now the long haul begins. In hindsight, it was perfect. Unanswered questions, burning desires, the truth unveiled - all the components of a great play, of a great life. I have a flare for the dramatic, I admit. But all the things we didn't say, I didn't say, are about to burst out. I deserve better, I know that now. I deserve people who take the time, who don't hide behind meaningless words, I deserve people who care...

I remember how you used to say that wherever I would lead, you would follow. We lost our way, despite out inability to comprehend it. We are disjointed, a fractured picture of all we used to be. Can you feel it? Can you finally admit it? We were one, now we are lost, lost in the desert...

Until you're home again, you belong to me...

Sometimes you have to forgo doing what's popular in order to do what's right. Sometimes you have to overcome yourself in order to become a better person. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to the people you love in order to set them free. And sometimes you have to walk away in order to protect your heart...

I'm not going to lie. I miss you. Probably more than I thought I would. It's not that I don't get to read about your life anymore, it's about not knowing the person you've become, the person we all knew you could be. Meeting new people and drawing inspiration from new situations has its moments, but sometimes it's the people from your past who matter the most. Going forward is hard enough, without constantly looking at the life you left behind. I'm already engulfed by my new surroundings. It's scary, but also kind of wonderful. So many opportunities, so many new doors I never thought I could enter. Yet there is one thing so obviously missing...

I'm doing it. I really am this time. Because as we've come to realise time and time again, it's now or never. Just like you said, life has a way of surprising us, a way of making us believe, a way of making us forgive. Tell me something, how far would you go, to change something from your past? To make it go away and change the reality of today. How far would you go, to say goodbye?

Get on your knees...

Oh it seems forever stopped today,

all the lonely hearts caught a plane and flew away.

What are you really looking for?

Do you need a bit of rough?

Someone to abuse and to adore?

I'm saying love will stop the pain,

I'm saying love will kill the fear.

Do you believe? You must believe...

When our dreams appear...

I admit, I was taken by surprise. I didn't expect for it to be so... Magical. It's the little things that make it so wonderful, so unique, so incredible. I just wish she could see me now. How proud she would be. I know she was back then as well, but that's because she had to be, I never gave her a reason. But now, look at me, look at us. Where we are, and what we've accomplished is so much more than any of them expected, than I expected. If I disappeared right now, people would notice, people would care and the funny thing is, they always did. I was just too self-conscious too believe it...

I'd be so alone without you and I think you'd be lonesome too. But that's the point of life isn't it? To form bonds, which hurt, if they're ever broken. The pain means that we loved, that we took a chance, that we lived. Just remember my darling, when you come back home, you belong to me...

I'm going to stop soon. At least I think I am. When I started, it was because I needed to read something, anything to make me forget about my reality, and it seemed I was the only one capable of creating that something to soothe my mind. But now, as the world trembles once again, I find that peace can be found in so many different things, in so many different people. Happiness is all around. Happiness is finally here...

Love don't let me go...

Playing by the rules, of someone else's game...

It's too late to go back to sleep, to second guess, to wish for a new beginning. The time has come to trust my instincts, to close my eyes, and leap. I'm through accepting limits, just because someone says they exist. For too long I've been afraid of losing love, which was not mine to lose. I sense a shift again, subtle, but significant. A rift has opened. You can barely see it, but it's there. Kiss me goodbye, so they won't bring me down, and by Her I swear, I shall defy gravity...

Did you notice how it didn't get easier? How even though the circumstances seem different, the challenges are more or less the same. If you knew what would happen, would you still do it? Would you still let yourself fall? It feels like an eternity has passed since we gazed into each others eyes, since we felt the warmth of our bodies, the way it lingered as we touched. The way I used to run my fingers through your hair, the way you used to do the same with mine. It may have been real, it may have been nothing, either way, it was an affair to remember...

When you're different, when you're special, you have to get used to being alone, by yourself, with only your imagination keeping you company. It's a road few choose, most are forced to walk it. Yet there are those who cherish their solitude, as it keeps them aware, awake, alive. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, because there are times when I dread both. So it seems, I am what I'll always remain; stuck together, torn apart...

Best of both worlds...

It's getting harder and harder every day. As I sit down and try to clear my head, I find words escaping me. But it's not because of lack of thoughts. Trust me, there's so much going on, I can barely keep up. Maybe that's why I can't seem to focus on my writing. Maybe I just haven't met any new people that inspire me as much as those in the past. Maybe I lost my thunder, and I should just stop all together and concede the fact, that I'll never aspire to more than frivolous words, which noone cares about...

I am quite content with knowing that I'll never be as good as I want to be - in anything. Always striving for more is a curse, not a gift. It consumes you, until there's nothing left but broken dreams, which were never meant to come true. But it goes beyond dreams. It devours every single aspiration, every plan, every step. It ruins the mind, and corrupts the soul, because it was supposed to be so much more. The funny thing is, that I realise it's enough, heck, it's more than most ever get...

Don't get me wrong. I love what I do more than anything. You don't find something you love this much and let it go. You hold on to it and throw yourself in deeper. It's just about being strong enough to live with the choices you make. Good or bad, they were yours, they were mine. And through it all we survived, be it with a few scratches and bruises, but here we are, you and me, standing prouder than ever...

I want to set this house on fire...

It's hard to turn your life around, to step out of your comfort zone. Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon, and tell me this was just a game we played, called life. I thought I could start over. But as it turns out there's no starting over. No matter where I go, no matter what I do my past seems to follow me. And it's time I stop apologising for what was, and accept what is, and ultimately, what could be...

Did you ever look for something so badly you could barely keep up with yourself? Spending all this time and energy for what you think will make you whole again. Then one day, you look around and you realise you had it all along. Well I think that's bullshit. We just tell ourselves it was there, because deep down we know we'll never have it. It's easier that way. To pretend, to act like we're the person we want to be. What's truly hard and what truly makes you understand the world we live in, is to simply admit that we'll always chase something that's out of reach, because we'll always desire more than we can have. We will always be in the meadows...

I haven't been completely honest with you. I lied about something. I'm not sure why. Maybe I wanted to protect you, to protect myself. Either way, I'm not proud of how I handled things, but if it's any consolation, I plan on being brutally truthful next time. Cutting the strings we use to play each other, in an effort to embrace what our lives can become, without the constant burden of giving a damn...

It's as if I had never fallen...

All the crazy shit I'll do tonight,

these will be the best memories.

I just want to let it go for a night,

that would be the best therapy for me...

And so it starts again, and again, and again...

Trying to find the words...

So dnevi, ko precenjen se zdim,

so dnevi, ko ego raste in raste,

so dnevi, ko se bedi prepustim,

so dnevi, ko še tebe umorim,

pol so pa tisti dnevi, ki grejo mim,

ki se jih ne spomnem, ki jih izgubim.

Vpraš me še enkrat, če upaš.

Sploh še veš kaj?

Ka pravš, da grema nekam,

ti pa jz, pa najna norost.

Mogoče tja, kjer boma lahk letela,

sam za sekundo, za tisto, k sma jo zgubila,

mogoče občutma, tisto najno skrivnost.

Derem se vam, slište sploh kej?

Me glasba preglasi, en bedn komad,

z enim verzom, me porine v prepad.

Poezija je nevarna vam rečem,

ubija več ljudi k pištole,

nevidna je, jo ne prepoznaš,

dokler ne ležiš na tleh

in čakaš zadnjo laž.

Če vam resnico povem,

se bote zgražal, bote osupel.

Nism še prpravlen, nimam jajc za nč,

ti to najbol veš, kok strah me je življenja,

kok ne upam rečt, to kar mora bit rečeno,

kok ne upam mislt, to kar mora bit storjeno.

Gledam cesto, dolga je,

sm spet narobe zbral?

Al je res to to, sej veš to, to kar nj bi postal?

Life is bigger than you...

You've got to believe in something, something more you can't touch taste or see. Because life is too hard, to go through it alone, without something to hold on to, without something that's sacred, that you can turn to when everything feels like it's falling apart. We'll always be a loose end won't be? Unfinished. Tragic as poetry, eventful as a novel, and theatrical as a play. We'll never know, will we? So we force ourselves not to want it. But it's always there, and until we finish it, it always will be...

I never gave up on my dream. but that's not how it usually goes. Most of the time it's just too difficult, too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realise how hard it is to start again from nothing, with a clean sleight. There's nothing mystical about a fall. Pressure builds and it's released, and then you just hope there's not too much damage. What it ultimately does, it makes you realise what really matters. Just don't ask me what that is, because I can't even begin to admit, what I felt and who I saw the moment the earth started to crumble beneath my feat...

It's new, it's exciting, it's utterly terrifying. It's perfect. I don't even care anymore about the small troubles that I let get to me. It will work itself out, and sometimes we just have to wait for things to happen by themselves, forcing them won't do anyone any good. But as much as I love where I ended up, deep down I know there are going to be so many things I'll regret, when I finish this chapter, which I keep convincing myself, is unfolding the way I had hoped...

The awakening...

There are some things that cannot be cured, because the wound was so intense, the scar lingers every so slightly for eternity. Then there are those which heal too soon, and we can't help but wonder why we're so oblivious and content. I know where I need to go, I'm just not sure what to do when I get there. I know what I have to say, I'm just not sure I can handle the reaction. I know what I saw, I just don't have the courage to tell...

The first day was a blur, but a fantastic blur. It was all I thought it would be, but really nothing like it. It's daunting, feeling like a grown up. Feeling like you're starting to live the dream you've been having for as long as you can remember. I never felt like this before, there's so many things I'm still not sure of, so many things I want to change. But at least I'm nearly certain I'm on the right path this time. I might fail, and I'm certain at one point I will, yet as much as it scares me, I know there's nowhere else I'd rather fail, there's nowhere else I'd rather watch my reality unfold...

It's too soon to tell. But I think I might be happy here. I need to be happy here. If not, I don't think there's anywhere else for me to go. I could use your advice right about now, or just a few words of encouragement, or just simply your presence. Is it too much to ask, for the universe to give me a sign? To give us all one. That what we're doing, that who we are, is what we're ultimately meant to become...