We can always party on our own...

There are days, when I wake up in the middle of the night, and ask myself; where have I gone wrong? A voice quietly whispers; this is going to take more than one night. And then I laugh as loud as I possibly could, until I fall asleep again. This game we play, called life, is just so confusing to me. The rules keep changing, the scoreboard never seems even, and I find it difficult to identify a way to win. And if it's not about winning, then what is it about? I just have so many questions, still after everything. I need a new game plan, of that I am sure. I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg people to be my friends, to be nice to me, to show me they care. I'm not giving up though. I'm sure they're out there, I just need to find them, and then try my best not to drive them away. Perhaps someone as flawed as me or maybe someone who has it all figured out. Or simply someone, who's willing to fight for me, someone who doesn't make me want to run, but gives me every reason to stay.

At the beginning of this year, I was petrified and confused, so I made a steep turn left. Right through the bushes and trees into the decrepit abyss of the unknown. As the wildlife slowly creeps in to devour me, I let loose a silent scream. It is far from over. Mark my words when I say that the fury of battle, the sincerity of life, and the amusement of freefall, have just begun.

Sometimes it lasts in love or it hurts instead...

As you know, I'm not good at goodbyes, but I guess that's what this is, a real one for a change. Because as much as I thought I wanted us to be friends, I guess what I want more is to be one of those people, who lives every moment of his life without indecision and without regrets. Someone who dares to disturb the universe without a thought to the consequences, and you're just not one of those people, at least not yet. Maybe you'll prove me wrong about that one day, hope you do, but who knows? I'm not mad or angry or resentful. I had just wished and hoped so hard you could be the one thing I could finally count on. And even after it's all said and done, I still think you're amazing. I'll cherish every moment I ever spent with you and every smile you conjured on my face. I'll forever be thankful someone like you was brought into my life, even if it had been taken away so soon. See, you came at a time, when I was further gone than you will ever know. You're not poison, you were my miracle, and I'll never forget that. I'll miss you as I stumble down this road. I wish I was heading towards you, but as it seems, I'm only moving further away.

Old friend, why are you so shy? You shouldn't hold back, and hide from the light. I dreamt you settled down, that you found your girl, and you're happy now. I saw that your dreams came true, I guess they gave you things, I couldn't give to you. I hate to call out of the blue, uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you'd hear my voice and you'd be reminded that for me, it still isn't over. You know how time flies? Only yesterday was the time of our lives. We were born and raised, in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days. Nothing compares, no worries or cares. Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Here comes the rain again...

Že spet ista zgodba,

že spet iste skrbi,

še vedno ista poezija,

še vedno ista kri.

My life without me...

This is you. Eyes closed, out in the rain, being soaked to your bones. You never thought you'd be doing something like this, you never saw yourself as one of those people. The ones who like looking up at the moon, who spend hours gazing at the waves and the sunset. You love being like this - fighting the cold, feeling the water seep through your shirt and getting through your skin, the feel of the ground growing soft beneath your feet, and the smell, and the sound of the rain hitting the leaves. You've become all those things they talk about in books you've never read. This is you now. Who would have guessed?

I go out. I party like never before. I have endless conversations with friends, but I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. I want to take all the drugs in the world, even though I know they aren't going to change the undeniable truth, that my whole life has been a dream, and it's only now that I'm waking up. I'm not fully awake though, a part of me is still deep in slumber. So as I wait for that one single kiss to bring me back to life, from the one who makes me tremble and shake inside, I close my eyes and imagine a future without me. I wonder what would be different, if anyone would miss me, and most of all if maybe some would even be happier. The answers scare me, they kill me actually. Because a memory, is something I've yet to be.

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it...

I can't believe I let myself think it would be different this time, that it would be easier, that I would somehow be able to transcend. I admit, I floated high above, with dreams more vast than anything before. Now as I lay where I've always been, I can't help but smile. It's so histerical in a way, so profound. How during these four years, as I've been searching for myself and a place to belong, I've literally come full circle. I recognise these feelings, I recognise the faint smell in the air and the gloomy sunrise, which fails to enlighten the darkest corner of my room. I recognise my reflection and the hint taste of straberries in my mouth. It's genious, it's poetic, it's a tragedy in its purrest form. But I need to make one thing perfectly clear - in no way am I depressed about my reality. I've long accepted the role I've been given to play, and I shall do so with regard, with dignity and an everlasting grin on my face. I may come here and vent, but mark my words, my resolve has never been stronger.

The way I tingle and slighty shake when I see you, the way I am at a loss for words when our eyes meet, the way I glance your way every chance I get, the way I yearn for your attention, the way I nearly lose my breath when you touch me, but most of all the way my heart races everytime I think of you. That's the way I want to feel forever, that's the way I want to live, that's the way I want to love. I may never get it, I may never claim it as my own, but that has never really stopped me before. I am nothing without my dreams, without my fantasies, and I adore that about myself. Who's to say they won't come true this time? Who's to say I won't get everything I've ever wanted? Maybe just this once, I might just do. 

She promised me she'd be around...

Remember when we were such fools,

and so convinced in our friendship,

and just so cool?

Someone said a year from then,

you'd be just a memory,

a wound I'd have to mend.

But I didn't know better,

because you said forever.

My darling, until we meet again,

it's your look I'll cherish to the end,

and always think: who knew?

Falling from the stars, becoming who we are...

I hate that I still feel the need to write this thing that is not a blog. I hate that I still have to work out things I should have accepted a long time ago. I hate that I'm still stuck together, yet torn apart by my nevervanquishing desire to be noticed, to make a difference, to be a memory. But most of all, I hate how I don't hate myself anymore, because now when I break down, I don't have anything to fall back on. I don't know who I'm becoming, but I do know who I don't want to be. I'm scared I might end up exactly where I was, exactly where this whole thing started. It would be poetic in a way, even ever so slightly romantic. Oh how I wish I wasn't such a sentimental fool, perhaps then things would be easier. Perhaps I'd be happier. Perhaps I'd even be in love.

As I lay on the bathroom floor, still aching from all the vomiting, with the scent of rotten tequila in the air, it dawns upon me. I didn't embark on a new journey, I'm still walking the old one. What I thought was a new beginning, was just a crossroad in this long and perilous quest. The last five years have gone and passed, yet I'm still searching for the same thing. I think I always will be. But there is something different, though. I'm different. You can barely see it, but it's there. A new sense of belonging, of self awareness. I have a long march ahead of me, but I'm actually looking forward to it. Each mistake I make, is just a due I have to pay. A toll I cannot avoid, nor would I want to. I am flawed, and that's ok, because you know what? So are you.

We can rescue the world tonight...

I'm anxious, I really am. More so than ever before. I realise that in the past I've been full of bullshit, but this time I know it to be true, because I truly have no idea what I'm doing, or where the fuck I'm heading - and I love it. Now it finally isn't about the destination anymore, it's about the ride. So even when I find myself overwhelmed, I just inhale a big breath, and suddenly all the ghosts, which torment me, lose hold. The present just seems so exciting, doesn't it? It's filled with endless possibility and hope. I roar, and for the first time in my life, I can hear the echo of my screams. No longer do I shout in vain. No longer do I gaze without intent. This is a new chapter for sure, and as I turn each page, I find myself feeling content, I find myself feeling alive.

I love how they make me feel. I love how they enlighten details I could never see. I love how they accept me without questioning, without fear. I love how they made me love myself again. It's everything about them. Every touch lights me on fire, sets me ablaze. And even though I walk on virgin territory, with my innocence intacked, I'm not afraid of what lies before me. It was always meant to unfold this way, I was always meant to walk this road. I'm through apologising for things I cannot control and I'm through with being laced in selfdoubt. I've taken the first step, now it's time to leap. Now it's time to fly.

A requiem for the dreamer...

Ripping through like a missile,

ripping through my soul.

The innocent will never last...

I don't write because I want to look into my soul. I write to see if I have a soul at all. And as I contemplate recent developments, I can hardly grasp the way things are about to unfold. We never think something like this could happen to us. We never think we could be the one who gets hit by lightning. But when the day comes, when we have to face our fleeting mortality, something changes within us. Something important. The problems we had, suddenly don't seem so scary anymore, and as I reexamine the people in my life, I realise we are friends more so because of necesity, than actual desire. And that thought terrifys me. It kills me. The truth and all the agony which comes with it, is right around the corner. So now I wonder; who is going to save the world tonight? Who shall bring me back to life?

When you died, I used to constantly look for people to replace you. Someone to talk to everyday, someone to believe in, someone to trust, someone to love, someone to have the time of my life with. I searched far and wide, and a few times I thought I stumbled upon the real deal. I could see the reflection of your face in their eyes, even if it was ever so distant. I could hear patterns of your voice when they spoke, and I could smell you faint presence, when we hugged goodbye. I stopped looking though. I learned some people really can't be replaced. I doubt I'll ever find someone better, and everytime I admit that, a piece of me washes away. In my darkest hour, I remind myself that I was lucky to spend any time with you at all, and then for the briefest of moments, I can breathe again.

Wake me up when september ends...

I've always expected too much from people. That's why I'm always disappointed. And I know I should be more realistic, but that's never really been my thing. Forever a dreamer, I once vowed, and I'll be damned before I break that promise. Even though nothing ever happens anymore, and I'm afraid nothing ever will again, I still don't allow myself to quit. I'm drenched in pain from becoming who I'm destined to be, and soon I think the people in my life will be as well. I did not choose this path, of that you can be sure, but I'm going to finish this journey nonetheless. Not knowing where it might lead, is reason enough to keep marching. It's a reason to get up in the morning. It's a reason to write, it's a reason to smile. It makes tomorrow all right. And as the rain comes falling from the stars, I embrace it, for there is truly nothing to be afraid of, it's just life.

Zvok zlate violine ne bo nikoli napolnil koncertnih dvoran. Ljudje ne bodo nikdar slišali njene melodije. Večno bo ostala moja, samo moja. Prvič me je strah do kosti. Ponoči se tresem od vznemirjenja, podnevi pa zadržujem solze, da mi ne uničijo maske, ki jo že od nekdaj nosim. Zmotil sem se. Zvezde mi niso usojene. Luna tudi ne. Mogoče kakšen utrinek tu in tam, za kaj več sem pa premalo, sem pa premajhen. Morda še kdaj zrastem, mogoče se kdaj zbudim, ne upam si trditi. Vesolja ne razumem več in če dobro pomislim, se mi zdi, da ga nikoli zares nisem. Vržem se v morje, ker nimam kril, da bi poletel.

The purchase of blood, the perfect redemption...

Bljuvam spomine na papir, da jih ne zgubim.

Sanje obdržim, kr mogoče jim še kdaj sledim.

Only yesterday was the time of our lives...

I know I am my problem and I also realise that I'm my own solution, but the thing I cannot grasp is; if I'm no longer who I was and I'm yet to be who I'm supposed to become, who am I? Perhaps somewhere in the future honesty need not be feared, yet until then, this is the distance and this is my game face.

We do not change when we get older, we just become more clearly ourselves. So as I sit here and contemplate my future, I pick up my pen, despite being told I never should, and I continue where I had left off with my story. No amount of defeat will ever change that.

So I'm going to go out there, and I'm going to do the best I can. I'm sure people will get in my way, and things will tear me down, but no matter what, I'm never going to stop. I'm going to reach as far as I can, for everything I've ever wanted, and I'm not giving up. Because that's what you do when your dreams are more important than your fears.

Too often we don't realise what we have, until it's gone, and far to often we don't have the courage to say I'm sorry, I was wrong. Too often it seems we hurt the ones closest to our heart, and we let the most foolish things tear us apart. Well not this time, not today.

I'll just keep chasing pavements...

Ne prepoznam več odseva v ogledalu,

že zdavnaj ne več.

Somewhere over the rainbow...

It has begun. There's no going back this time. It shall either be the beginning of the rest of my life, or the beginning of the end. I've long given up on trying to decide which one I prefer, because of late I've realised that both will be of equal magnitude. It's almost overwhelming actually. I've grown so accustomed to fight against it, and now that it's staring me right in the face, I'm petrified of it. What if this is not who I'm supposed to be? What if I'm just confused? As I raise all these questions, one thing is clear. The answers are long overdue. I need to know once and for all, I need to be sure without a shadow of a doubt. Then if I fail, I'll do so unlike ever before. With screams as loud as thunder and tears as heavy as November rain.

I've been thinking lately why we became so close over the last few months. When our story began, when we met, I would have never thought we would end up here. But now that we have, I'm starting to question our motives. I was looking for someone to replace the friend I had lost, and you've done that, and so much more. I really could not have asked for a better outcome. But now I wonder, what drove you? And if it's what I think it is, then it would explain why you're having such a problem with what I'm trying to do now. It would explain many things, even those we decided to bury.

Če bistvo nobene zgodbe ni v tem, kako se je začela, kaj je potem bistvo najine?

For me it still isn't over...

Whoever said if you build it they will come, was dead on wrong. The truth is, tear it down, and they'll come running.                                                                                                                                             -
I cannot think about my decisions anymore. I cannot look into the future and imagine what my life is going to look like. Because if I do, I know I would break down. I just have to keep going, I have to keep moving and maybe I'll be able to finish on top. I don't know if I'm making the right choices, and at this point, I don't even care anymore. I see people pass me by, as shadows I'll never get to know, and as I watch them walk beside me, sometimes I wish one of them would stay. I can't believe that after all these years, I'm still asking for the same thing. It just goes to show I was right all along and that indeed the more things change, the more they stay the same.

I think I'm at the edge again. But this time I'm not waiting for the courage to jump, I'm waiting for someone to jump with me. Perhaps I wait in vain, as I have countless times before, yet when my gaze sets upon the gloomy sunset, I can't help but feel optimistic. That is my curse, I've come to realise. Forever a dreamer and a fool who believes in happy ever after. A hopeless romantic at heart has no place in this cold and desolate world, I know. The thought scares me beyond reason, and the sheer amount of willpower it takes to keep standing, is overwhelming. The truth shall soon enlighten every fiber of my being. I only hope there's enough of me left, to shine.