Please be gentle, I'm still learning...

I take my time. I don't rush. For me it's a marathon, not a sprint. I'm fine with waiting. But know this. I live my life like a story I would want to tell someone. And while I might miss a few opportunities, and some chapters may be laced with doubt, you can be sure as hell, it's going to be a fucking epic tale.

Next thing I knew, we were playing as three...

I'm speechless actually. Never have I thought certain bonds could unravel with such speed and new ones could entangle with such conviction. Now that I think about it, I've always been this way. I fall in and out of love faster than anyone I know, and I'm not even sure it's love at all. It's a fantasy perhaps. Or maybe a story of unprecedented possibilities. I don't forget anyone though, especially those who leave without saying goodbye. I remember those, I learn from them, and I grow as much as I can, whenever I can. And if I keep doing that, I think I'll be able to survive, at least for now. I dare not claim what tomorrow brings, or if it even comes at all. I've long given up on charting my course. I just walk on this boulevard of broken souls and shattered dreams, never losing hope that one day, someone will find me, and make me whole again.

"No ... pa nadaljujmo," je rekel skoraj neslišno. Poklali so se že prevečkrat, da bi sploh še zaznali, kako zdaj že od krvi toplo rezilo, bode v telo. Predali so se. Ne življenju ali smrti. Predali so se drug drugemu in samemu sebi. Prav posebna zmaga za vsakega izmed njih. Niso se več sovražili, zdaj jim je bilo preprosto vseeno. Utapljali so se v apatiji in uživali ob melanholični melodiji v zraku. Čutiti je preveč bolelo, je preveč žgalo. In tako so obsedeli na strganem kavču in kljub okoliščinam, še vedno živeli. No ja, ne ravno živeli. Obstajali morda. Ali pa še to ne. Ne vem več. 

My bangers, beans and mash...

Look at the stars,

how they shine for you,

and everything you do.

You came along,

and I wrote a song for you,

and it was all yellow.

Your skin, your bones,

they turn into something beautiful,

and I swam and jumped across for you.

Oh, what a thing to do.

What a thing to do, and it was all yellow...

While I'm already used to expect the unexpected, this one really came out of left field. No one ever told me that once you open your heart to someone it's a lot easier for others to get in as well. It was just a look at first, a simple glance, yet from the second I saw you, I knew we'd mean something to each other. From there, all we needed was an awkward introduction, and before we even realised it, we were gazing into each other's soul, forgetting time exists at all. I hate to admit this, but as the gloomy street lights paved my way home, I couldn't stop thinking about the one who started all of this. I wondered where you were, what you were doing, and who you were doing it with. But mostly I wondered if in this exact same moment, you might be thinking of me as well. But then I reminded myself that if you wanted to see me, you knew that all you had to do was ask. The moon smiled at me, and I smiled back, already accepting that this is the journey I was meant to track.

And so the boy with the dragon tattoo marched on towards his destiny. With a sturdy weapon in one hand and his molting heart in the other, he realised there was nowhere else he'd rather be. He was engorged with lust and passion and heat, and no amount of defeat could dampen his resolve. His might shall be tested unlike ever before, yet he was calm and ready for what's to come. He has learned his lessons and he has payed his dues. Now all that is left to do is wage war like he has nothing to lose. And as the steel blades of thunder and enemies long forgotten march near, he sets loose a shattering battle cry. One heard until the depths and beyond and one felt till heaven and back. He no longer fights for just himself, he fights for all of you as well. Because without you, there would be no him, without you there would be no battle to win, because he would have already lost. 

I heard that rumour has it...

I've got my head stuck in the clouds again, and as I try my best to navigate to the surface, I am suddenly struck with a katarsic realisation. I guess it's true, you really can't get hit by lightning if you're not standing out in the rain and I've always liked getting wet. Soaked to my bones, I've come to accept that I never really wanted to find my way out. I love being way up high where no one can touch me. I love dreaming of everything that could be, should be, and maybe even can be. I love picturing people in my life just coming together in a wave of shared experiences and simply enjoying life. I love fantasies of the improbable and the impossible, especially when they involve Her, you and him. But most of all, I love that I always tell people how I feel and that I say what I mean, even when it's hard. Because you see, opportunities for happiness are lost in a blink of an eye, but regrets, they last for a lifetime.

It wouldn't be my life, if I wasn't waiting for something that will never come.           

Hoping you'll come alive for me...

The reason I find it so hard to be happy, is because I always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. When I have the courage to take a step back, and look at the bigger picture of my life, even my darkest parts can't deny that things aren't as bad as I try to convince myself they are. And while there are many things I still want, many things I still need, somehow I know that I'll make it whether I get them or not. And I'm sure of that, because I've given everything I possibly could, I did everything one is supposed to and everything most never dare. And if wearing my heart on my sleeve will be my downfall, then there truly is no other way I would rather go. Today, as I walked home through the misty twilight, one thing was clear. Never have I felt more alive than I do right now.

The most difficult situation one can be faced with, is deciding if you should move on or hold on a little longer. Move on, and maybe you'll lose a chance at the best thing that could have happened to you, or hold on, and have the possibility of creating something that could one day be the biggest disaster which ever transpired. I'm not sure where I fall right now, and in times like these, her advice shines brighter than anything else. She told me once that there is no greater achievement in life than knowing you made someone's dream come true. The thing is, I would give anything to be able to do so, I've just never been given the opportunity. So as I sit here as countless times before, I make a silent pledge. My dreams need a break, they'll be waiting for me for the rest of my life. Now I think, it's finally time I focus on making someone else's wildest fantasies come to fruition. Who knows, if I find someone who's willing to take a chance on me, I may just succeed.

Some of us just want to be abused...

In the stormy night, I'd fly away,

and I would travel the world and the seven seas,

everybody is looking for something,

who am I to disagree?

You make me move like a freak...

When I was just a boy,

I expected the world,

but it flew away from my reach,

so I ran away in my sleep.

And so underneath these stormy skies,

I know the sun must set and rise.

Now everytime I close my eyes,

I dream of being with you in paradise.

Now I dream of paradise...

You know, maybe there are some stories that aren't meant to unfold. They're so perfect, it's better they remain in my head. Reality wouldn't do them justice. As the truth I knew all along firmly stands ground, I do not feel remorse or anger. Even I'm surprised that the only thing I feel is gratitude. Gratitude for the excitement and thrill that ran through my veins everytime I waited for our interwoven circumstances to unwind. And while there could have been so much more, I'm happy there was just enough to ignite a part of me I thought had been broken too many times to heal. I'm moving forward with the same conviction as always, yet this time, thanks to you, the grin on my face is a little more convincing.

You can call me many things. A crazy romantic, a sentimental fool, psycho. But one thing I am not, nor have I ever been, is a coward. Sometimes I may come across as desperate or out of my mind, but at least I go for it no matter what. Life goes on, even when it gets so heavy we almost can't stand it. So as I close my eyes and let go of all my doubts and thoughts of humiliation, I am overwhelmed with a sense of accomplishment. I wouldn't have wanted to handle it any other way than I did. I am raw and flawed, and anyone who can't accept that, doesn't deserve to experience how sometimes, even I can make your dreams come true. And that is how this chapter ends, for the story of my awakening has only just begun.

But when you're with me, I'll make you believe...

This one's for you.                                                                                                                                       .
The girl who came out of nowhere and landed right in my reach with circumstances so bizzare that I can't even begin to describe them. The girl who puts up with more taunting and endless torture because she knows I tease people I love the most. The girl who I call first to tell about my big news or just to talk to someone who understands and listens. The girl who picks me up at any hour and at any place, when I'm too love struck to remember how to get home. The girl who makes me laugh without even trying and makes me feel better without even knowing how. The girl who loves tequila as much as I do and isn't afraid to make mistakes. The girl who pushes me to persue my silly dreams. The girl who wouldn't give up something if it makes her happy, and would never let me do the same. The girl who puts up with my drama and never questions my intentions. The girl who I adore more with each passing day. The girl who is the friend I always wanted, needed, and hoped for.

This is to you.

Shoot me down, but I won't fall...

Turn of events have been quite predictable actually. As of yet, the universe has been consistent with what it gives, offers and takes away. My life, it seems, is predetermined to unfold in ways I can see coming from miles ahead, yet still, everytime, they knock me off my feet. I've been thinking a lot about the decisions that led me to you, and I can't help but wonder, if maybe I'm not even supposed to be here. In the grand scheme of things, I'm just another boy who fell for you. And even though I stopped it from going further, that night still meant a lot to me, more than you'll probably ever know, more than I'll ever admit. It's funny how we're sometimes given things, just so they can be taken away. And it's not even about love or lust or passion anymore, it's about reaching for eternity and coming back empty handed. It's about everything this thing that is not a blog was always about. It's about me being stuck together in a world that never stops trying to tear me apart.

If there's a crisis, we don't freeze, we move forward, and we force each other to march on. Because we've seen worse, we've survived worse, and we know we'll manage to overcome this as well. For we may be dark and twisty, but it's not a flaw, it's our strength. It may make us awkward and weird, but it's who we are, it's who we've always been. And as long as we have each other, I know we'll endure anything the universe throws our way. Because in the end there really is no other truth, than accepting that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of, it's just life.  

Forever a little of your taste in my mouth...

And with a single kiss, the curse has been broken.

He's coming to take the pain away...

I dont think I've ever wanted to kiss anyone as much as I want to kiss you. You are by far the biggest crush I've ever had. And I know I sound like a sappy teenager but what I feel transcends reason. Have no fear, I shall survive this too, even though I'm quite certain it will hurt unlike anything before. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do for you right now, and I realise that makes me weak and fragile but I can't help myself. I give to you my heart. Eviscerate it, if you so please. For it does not matter what you do, because the simple fact that I was able to find someone who makes me feel alive again, is enough. Tomorrow can wait, because tonight, I am dreaming of you.

As the saying goes, every road comes to an end, but sometimes the end feels just like the beginning. Even when you think you've come a long way you can suddenly find yourself right back where you started, because every journey is frought with twists and turns, and one false step could spell disaster. But no matter what, you still have to stay the course and forge your own path. There's no going back now. And it looks like this one, is going to be the ride of my life. 

We're ten thousand miles apart...

Just when I felt like giving up on us,

you turned around and gave me one last touch,

that made everything feel better,

and even then my eyes got wetter.

Maybe I've just been California dreaming

in this California king bed.

You won't get to see the tears I cry...

For the last couple of months I've been in what I like to call an intensive yes-phase. Meaning that I basically say yes to everything, especially things I would normally never even consider. It hasn't really worked so far, and come to think of it, most situations ended in disaster, but I'm sticking with it. Because you never know when a simple yes can completely change your life. Be it a blind date, a weekend getaway, a new friend, a new opportunity to write, I just go for it. Something has to hit, right? I've realised that when the universe is giving you the middle finger, all you can do, is give it right back. And while you may find regret behind my green and hazel eyes, you shall not find selfpity. Even though I'm barely hanging on, I can't pretend I'm not having at least a little bit of fun. If I lost my ability to laugh at myself, then I would truly be hopeless. So when I think there's really nothing more that can go wrong, and then something more does, I just look up to the sky, and smile. For there is no greater victory than finding amusement in your downfall.

Hodila sva tako dolgo, dokler nisva pozabila na čas. Pred nama se je razprostiralo širno zeleno polje. Spodaj je dražilo kolena, zgoraj je žgečkalo rdeče nebo. Najini čuti so pridobili še dimenzijo tega travnika. Brez vsakršnega dvoma sva vedela, da takšen kraj preprosto ne more biti z našega sveta. Narava ni dovolj ustvarjalna, da bi se spomnila česa tako osupljivega. Spleteno je bilo iz mladostniške domišljije, poletne vročice in esence poželenja. V vsaki bilki je sijal delček naju - intenzivno, a nekako neprisotno. Odsev najinih duš morda. Strmela sva v življenje samo, prostrano in neokrnjeno. Lahko bi prišla do konca, otipala njegov rob, celo odkrila nekaj povsem novega. Raje sva gledala drug drugemu v oči. Življenja naju je bilo še strah. 

Sweet dreams are made of this...

What do you believe in, when everything turned out to be an illusion? 

Do any of you remember that boy, who gazed so fearlessly into the future? With no thought of failure or defeat. I miss him, I miss him a lot. And it's not even about getting what I want, it's about receiving what I need. I've already accepted that I'm simply not one of those people who'll get to experience happy ever after, but I think everyone deserves something great in their life, at least for a while. It feels like an eternity has passed since I felt the warmth of another. I imagine myself embraced in your arms. You don't have a face or body, you're just there. Mine. As I listen to the soft beating of your heart, I am reminded that I have one as well. And then for a somber moment, I feel as though nothing will ever be better.

A few years after you died the hurt began to fade and it was easier to let go. At least I thought it was. But in every person I met, I found myself looking for you. A familiar touch, voice, smell. It didn't matter what it was, as long as it made me think you're still here with me. When the feelings got too strong, I'd write you another letter. Even though there is nowhere I can send them, and even though you'll never get to read them, they keep me sane. I vowed to never forget all that you gave and sacrificed to give me the life you thought I deserved, and that's a promise I intend to honor, even if it means losing myself in the process.