What do you believe in, when everything turned out to be an illusion?
Do any of you remember that boy, who gazed so fearlessly into the future? With no thought of failure or defeat. I miss him, I miss him a lot. And it's not even about getting what I want, it's about receiving what I need. I've already accepted that I'm simply not one of those people who'll get to experience happy ever after, but I think everyone deserves something great in their life, at least for a while. It feels like an eternity has passed since I felt the warmth of another. I imagine myself embraced in your arms. You don't have a face or body, you're just there. Mine. As I listen to the soft beating of your heart, I am reminded that I have one as well. And then for a somber moment, I feel as though nothing will ever be better.
A few years after you died the hurt began to fade and it was easier to let go. At least I thought it was. But in every person I met, I found myself looking for you. A familiar touch, voice, smell. It didn't matter what it was, as long as it made me think you're still here with me. When the feelings got too strong, I'd write you another letter. Even though there is nowhere I can send them, and even though you'll never get to read them, they keep me sane. I vowed to never forget all that you gave and sacrificed to give me the life you thought I deserved, and that's a promise I intend to honor, even if it means losing myself in the process.
