We'll be larger than life...

Chest to chest, nose to nose...

I want you to know,

deep in the saddle of my heart,

there's a better world.

Against all experience, against all rational thought, against every fiber of his being telling him it won't work out, the boy who cried wolf, hopes once more. It's the simplest of wishes, the purest of dreams, the hardest of rejections, one that stems from the heart and fills the soul. He bears arms and armor forged from the greatest of iron and marches towards his destiny with conviction. His resolve holds steady, and the sparkle in his eyes outshines the moon. As blades of steel thunder and as blood is shed, one thing and one thing only is certain; he fights for himself, for he would rather die trying then never try at all.

I'm almost there. It's almost over. Never could I have imagined such a year. Never could I have expected my story to unravel with such speed and in an instant, intertwine once more. As this journey comes to an end, I have very little to say. But we've come so far, you and I, we barely even need words anymore. I rarely mention it, but I really need you to know that even though you're silent, I can hear you. I can hear you louder than any scream, and your voices echo throughout my life. Without you, there is no me. There is no us. And for that, I will be more greateful than you shall ever know.

Let it rain over me...

We've all got broken strings, and the world can be a very lonely place if you don't learn to love broken things. Today I found myself thinking about how dark and swampy your eyes got during november rain. I thought about how the brightest stars are always white and blue, and I wondered about love and the shapes I've seen it come in. I thought about how when we hit the light we never stay for long, and how I'll never be sorry for all the feelings that I bear in all the places they cannot fit. Sometimes when I listen carefully I hear you singing. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I've been through a lot this year, and one would think that I could have learned by now to not let the small things get to me, because, in the end, they don't add up to much. But truthfully it's the small moments that are most important, it's the small moments that I'll never forget.

They shake their heads, they say I've changed...

Rows and flows of angel hair,

ice cream castles in the air,

and feather canyons everywhere.

Tears and fears and feeling proud,

to say "I love you" right out loud,

dreams and schemes and circus crowds,

I've looked at life that way.

I've seen love from one side now,

just give and give, and still somehow

its love's hope that I recall,

I guess I really don't know love at all.

I'll be here forever...

There has to be a better world out there, it simply must. As I sing myself to sleep, I realise that for the first time in my life, I don't want to wake up alone anymore. I'm not sure when things changed, all I know is that they indisputably did. As I look back towards overcome torment, I suddenly don't feel sad anymore. I feel lucky. Lucky to have gone through what I did, and survived with a heart intact and a soul worth saving. Lucky to have met certain people, who shattered my understanding of the world and transformed it into something greater, something beyond frivolous comprehension. Now, as I stare upon the moon, the wish I make, yet remains the same, just that now there's someone right beside me, holding my hand and smiling like it's the last day of our lives.

Take chances and be bold. Tell the truth even when it feels like it might rip you to shreds. Say no when it doesn't feel right, and yes when you think it might change your life. Be kind, especially to those who aren't to you. Say "I love you" to the people that deserve it and "goodbye" to those who've always taken you for granted. Laugh as much as you can, and let go of the shackles that bind. Cry when you ache and when there is no longer anything to say. Regret nothing.

Waiting on a different story...

End of the world as we know it...

Sometimes there is really nothing left to say. No words to truly describe how one feels, how one hopes, how one struggles. I just need you to know that I try my best every day and I think of you when I ponder giving up. This is my life, and I am both happy and sad in the same breath, and I'm still trying to figure out how that can be. Is that ok with you?

Kaj naj vam rečem ob koncu sveta?

Kaj naj vam pišem na robu solza?

Koga naj prosim, da naj se že končno konča?

Then I was young and unafraid...

I guess we are who are for a lot of reasons and maybe we'll never really get to know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still decide where to go from here. It's hard when things change and friends leave and when we realise that our journey doesn't stop when we want it to. Someday all these pictures will become old photographs and we'll all become wrinkly and grey. But right now, these moments aren't stories, they're happening, this is our life. I was looking at her, and she was looking at me, and even if I didn't understand how something so horrible could happen to someone so pure, I still thought she was so beautiful. When she said goodbye I had a feeling she said it for the last time and while I'd collapse if that were true, I know deep down inside that even after everything, we are infinite. 

I hate how life sometimes forces you to grow up. How it manipulates, construdes and weaves the fabrics of our existence. I hate how it seems to have a will, an agenda and always a lesson to teach. I hate how it can burst from colours yet be void dark at the same time. I hate how it conjures conflict and among it, seems to plant seeds of future love. I hate how it's always so light yet always too much to bear. I hate how it's unfair and how it enforces justice. I hate how much I hate it and I hate how much I don't hate it even one bit, not even a fraction, not even at all.

Sing me to sleep...

I just feel like my life has been a series of wrong turns, taking me places I don't want to go, places I'm afraid of, places I should have never seen. I'm hoping that one day a wrong turn will take me somewhere I never knew I wanted to go, somewhere I won't need to pretend to be something I'm not, somewhere I'll belong without even trying. It's but a dream I guess, and the tragedy of my life, is that it will always be just that - a fantasy, which I won't stop trying to catch, yet never capture. They will laugh at me for persisting and I shall smile back at them because there will be nothing left to say. The boy who no one takes seriously is the boy who won't get serious at all, and the boy who'd rather gaze at the moon than look upon the world beneath him, is the boy who sleeps alone and wishes for the stars.

Winter just isn't my season...

Today is going to be the day

that they'll throw it back to me.

By now I should have realised

what I have to do.

I don't believe that anybody

feels the way I do about me now,

and word is on the street

that the fire in my heart is out.

All the roads I have to walk are winding

and all the lights that lead me there are blinding,

because just maybe, you'll be the one that saves me.

I dreamt that love would never die...

Dusk to dawn with the curtains drawn...

I will love you like a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp, and as a gasping person loves a shot of tequila to calm his nerves, and as a shot of tequila loves to shatter on the floor, and as the noise of shattering loves to make everyone else in the room gasp, and as someone gasping loves a table to lean upon, even if leaning against it presses a lever that loves to open a drawer and revel a secret compartment. I will love you until all such compartments have been opened and discovered, and until all the secrets have gone gasping into the world. I will love you until all the hearts in world have been broken and until every anagram has been unscrambled.

Days like today really make it hard to believe that there's a greater destiny awaiting me. Days like today, when so many prayers have been answered and so many of them ignored, make me wonder how far I can still go before I break. I run towards my addictions to ease the pain, and in the haze of yesterday's memories, I am reminded that the future still, even after everything, holds so much promise. Promise of the life I dream of. Promise of the love I crave for. Promise for the happiness that eludes my grasp. While today might not be everything I want, tomorrow shines bright with possibility. And while I may take today to mend all my newly inflicted wounds, I know that in this shallow world, the true dream, is to be able to dream at all.

Blooming up from the ground...

The tired sunsets and the tired people, remind him that it takes a lifetime to die and in the same breath, no time at all. He will not let his dreams be just dreams. He will go where he dares not, and he will travel further than his feet can bear. Along the way, blows will be dealt and blood will be spilled and the world shall shake beneath the battles which wage above. He is as he has always been - alone, but never lonely, walking on the boulevard of broken hearts, with one hand in his pocket, and the other waving towards the stars. His endgame is still an unknown, a mystery one ought to discover, yet never unravel, a quest one sets upon with full force, yet never completes, a parallel universe, one wants to explore, yet is too dark to see. 

Find light in the beautiful sea...

Most days I really am content with being alone, but then sometimes, when I watch a movie or read a book that has a love story in it, or when I notice lovers passing me by on the streets I realise than even though I'm not lonely, somewhere deep down inside I still want to find that someone, that anyone who'd make me forget about my past, and help me embrace my future. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it would be nice to be in love again, whatever being in love even means.

Everytime he looks at the stars, he feels like he's opening a door. He could be anyone, he could be anywhere, he could be himself at any moment in time, any instant in his life. He opens that door and he is struck with the realisation that he is the same person under the same stars, camping out in his backyard with the one he lost forever. The same person who drove away into the night, stopping only at the edge of the city, looking up at the same stars. Out there, where the world begins and ends, it's like nothing ever slows down, but always keeps on spinning and morphing into something beyond his comprehension. When sunlight breaches through the darkness and the stars prepare for slumber, he is not sad because it is over, he smiles because he knows he will walk this road again.

Nothing else compares...

Where worlds collide and days are dark...

Now close your eyes and go to sleep,

maybe one day we'll wake up

and this will all just be a dream.

It's that time of year again. That time when everything around me seems to be changing, transforming into something beyond my comprehension, slowly morphing while I remain as I've always been. Stuck together by my unquenchable thirst to touch the moon, yet torn apart by the demons that whisper in my ear every night before I go to sleep. I feel the earth move beneath my feet, I hear my heart burst again, and I let myself hope for the hopeless. I know this is not the end, it is not even the incipence of the end but it is perhaps the start of a season I'm bound to remember forever. Pushed to my limits and further across is where I feel at come. At the edge of glory and every broken dream I ever dared to dream, I let the sky fall, for I know that I shall stand tall, I'll get through it all.

Let the sky fall when it crumbles...

I'm not really a writer as much as I am a romantic. I look back on moments, which have passed me by, like movie scenes, like something you would read in a book or see crudely painted on the walls of a burnt down factory. When I touch other people, I feel them as intensely as any emotion running through my veins. I listen to songs like I'm looking for the perfect soundtrack for my life, to a person, to a season, to a memory. I carry all these things inside me so that no one else can notice. They hold me down like an anchor, trying to drown me out at sea. My stories write themselves as easily as words join together when I'm in love. I am no longer afraid, because it finally dawned upon me that my heart cannot break, for it wasn't even whole to start with.

He runs back through the fire. He knows there's nothing left to say, and that he's probably chasing the mid-night train, even though it's too late. Yet he runs through the scorching maze with unparallel speed. He does not feel anything, for he has long lost his sensation for pain and anguish. He finds her amid mountains of ash, barely flickering with life. A tiny fraction of her soul remains, bound by the love they used to hold for one another. Just as he was ready to carry her home, she lets loose a sigh of disbelief and evaporates into smoke. As always, he has come too late to save the ones he loves. As always the boy who said forever, didn't even make it through the day.

Just one more time...

Hello, my old heart. How have you been?

Are you still there inside my chest?

I've been so worried;

you've been so still,

barely beating at all.

Often I really wish I could put all of my thoughts into a jar and lock them up for safekeeping. My problem is that I think too much. I over-analyze unimportant details and ignore those I should deal with. It gets too much for me to handle, so I panic, I run away without thinking of the mess I'm leaving behind. On the road, I go to war with myself and the damage done leaves me with bloody scars. I'm tired and I'm sick of being tired. I still don't quite like who I am, but if anything, I know change is an extremely slow and painful process. But most of all, I'm exhausted from wanting things and people I can't have - constantly walking on the edge, trying to find meaning for the meaningless.

The light which I cannot see...

How long before I get in
before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide,
before I know what it feels like?

Where to? Where do I go?
How long do I have to climb
up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Our clock never seemed so alive...

Close your eyes, sometimes it helps...

Suddenly, then all at once, they find themselves somewhere they don't recognise. The air feels heavier and there's a faint smell of despair. The ground beneath them trembles, and they cry out in fear. As they run towards directions unknown, and trip at every turn, one thing, and one thing only, is clear. Win or lose, live or die, fight or flight, whatever might come, they shall at least know that they have fought with unearthly stamina, and managed to leave a mark on the world they left behind. They move slowly, because there's no time to think. You see their heart beating through their chest, but they are not worried, for they are all they need and more. They say a prayer to themselves, pull out their weapons, and then ... then they pull the trigger.

I'm like diamonds in the sky...

There is very little I can say right now, very little I can share. All I can tell you is that nothing is really wrong, yet nothing is right either. I'm still trying as hell to figure some things out, and while I've been so deeply consumed by my new surroundings, they somehow seem out of place. I'm still miles away from where I want to be, and I still lack the courage to embark upon where I dream of going. So what you're reading now, is the time in between. The time when I'm gathering myself, learning as much as I can, and preparing for the struggle ahead. My resolve gets tested on a daily basis, and my talent, or lack there of, is challenged at every turn. I wish I could tell you that I've never been happier, but as it stands now, I'm stuck in limbo, patiently waiting for my opportunity that I know might never come.

All it took was one look, one smile, one touch, and it was as if the year that has passed, held no meaning. To this day, to this very moment, you are his everything. You are the reason he does this, the reason he holds on, the reason he dreams, the reason for his thundering laughter. You are the reason he stands before you, not as a boy, but as a man. A man who is not afraid to fail, and is not scared of making mistakes. A man who'll one day walk away, and you'll wonder why he doesn't love you anymore. But he will know, only he will truly know that the love which bound you together, yet remains within his soul. "After all this time", others will wonder. "Always", he'll gently whisper.

Once again away I'd fly...

White knuckles and sweaty palms

from hanging on to tight.

Eyes on fire 

and they burn from all the tears.

I tie a knot in the rope,

trying to hold,

but there's nothing to grab,

so I let go.

The wheel breaks the butterfly...

It came as a light breeze at first, then it threw me into the sky like a tornado - the realisation that each random person I pass by is living a life as livid and complex as my own, populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness. An epic story that continues invisibly around us like an anthill sprawling deep undergound, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives we'll never know even existed, in which we might appear only once, as a shadow in the background, as a blur walking by, as a lighted window at dusk. We are all conected by seams stronger than we can accept, than I can admit. He is not in this alone, he knows that now. We are in it together.

My same old safe bet...

Can you see the soul that is inside?

You'll be sorry you missed out...

I can't become a butterfly 

if I'm not a caterpillar first.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, because I really feel as if I'm giving it my all. Maybe there comes a point in all of our lives, when we have to start thinking of settling for less than we dream of, and embrace the path life is so bent on pushing upon us. Maybe that time has come for me, maybe I was never meant to touch the sky. What hurts the most though, is that I can never be sure if it's right to give up or if all I need to do is hold on a little longer. If this truly is the end, then it shall come crumbling down faster than you can grasp, and the damage done will be greater than anything we have survived before. Maybe that's the key. Maybe this time, we're not meant to make it out alive. 

He had always been an unusual boy, with a chameleon soul. No moral compas pointing due north. No fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that is as wide and wavering as the ocean. Since he was young he felt like he was destined for more, so he allowed himself to dream bigger than most, and live dangerously close to the edge. Sometimes he'd balance it perfectly, sometimes he'd fall over, yet always, without pause, he'd keep walking. And so he shall do now - march on towards whatever might come next.

Back to what I knew...

He had failed greater than he ever thought he could, yet the simple fact that he put himself out there, to the furthest extent one can imagine, is reason enough to march forward. Towards an uncertain destiny, upon an unpassable mountain, and beyond the darkest horizon. The crash and burn of today, just marks the first of many still to come. But as she has foretold, he is now strong enough to endure and wise enough to know when to keep pushing on and when it's time to admit defeat. Because only when he is cut down, can he rise, can he rebuild himself into the person he always dreamt of being. There shall be heartache and agony and fear, but there will also be times of joy, of triumph and of pride. All of that will be his life and his life alone.

I lay with the wolves, alone it seems...

A shot in the dark,

a soul lost in space.

Where do I start,

the past and the chase.

You hunted me down,

like a wolf, a predator,

I felt like a deer in love lights.

You held me, and I froze in time,

hungry for that flesh of mine.

You brought me to my knees,

but what do you see in my yellow eyes?

Laugh at the boy who loved too easily...

I'm not really sure why I thought you'd be different. I guess I really wanted to convince myself that I was one of those people who might experience happy ever after, yet as of today, you are just another heartbreak I'll have to get over. It's not even that I was so much in love with you, I think I was more in love with the idea of what we could be. But from now on, I shall belong to no one. I want my dreams with a fire, and I shall feed my addiction for freedom, even if it pushes me to a nomadic point of madness. And when I am at war with the world, I will ride. Just ride.

Breathe. Don't be crass. Don't skulk. Walk with grace, even if you know you are an affront to nature. They will see you and feel themselves wilting in your shadow. Do not shrink to console them. Do not look for comfort, friends or love, because you won't find them here. They don't have the capacity to understand you and they never will. Then one day if you're really lucky, you will stumble upon a person you'll need not fear, and you will know in an instant that life itself has guided you towards one another. Then slowly, but surely you shall understand. You have greatness in you. Don't disappoint. 

Fall just isn't my season...

Cradle my head in your hands.

Can't jump the track...

It's an overwhelming sensation, knowing that you have set on a path, which may very well lead somewhere you've always wanted to go. But it's equally terrifying to realise that where you wanted to go your whole life, might not be where you're destined to end up. I'm taking a time out, a chance to recollect and take it easy for a change. Not every minute of your everyday has to be filled with life-altering choices. Sometimes the quiet determination to simply enjoy whatever life might throw your way, is all it takes to be happy.

Once in a while, amidst all your bad days, amidst all the pain of holding on, and all the agony of moving forward, you shall stumble upon a good day. A great day even. A day when everything feels like it's going to work out, and the journey ahead, even if just for a second, doesn't seem so scary anymore. Make sure you remember those days. Keep them safely in the pockets of your coat or in a jar on your desk, because you need to always remember that there are and will be better days. Remember how those days make you warm inside, like a small fire has ignited within your soul. Hold on to the warmth and make sure to never let it go. 

Someday I will find my way...

I don't need a medal or a trophy this time around. I don't need scores of people cheering my name. Because the fact that I'm still standing after the year I've had, is reason enough to let loose the demons I've yet to banish, and revel in the satisfaction of knowing that I gathered up the courage to jump without knowing what lies beneath the hill. I pushed myself further than most dare to imagine and even though I'm still in mid-flight, I'm confident that everything will turn out in my favour. The sensation starts in my toes, and then it makes me crinkle my nose, then it goes with the wind, and I can smile quite unlike ever before. The future begs to be lived, and I relish the thought of it being everything I dream of. And wherever I might go, and wherever I might end up, I shall be certain that I really gave it my all.

Now you're just memories on my wall...

While it's everything I wished for, it's nowhere near what I dream of, to this very day, to this very moment. I had hoped I would have been able to tell you that it's beyond anything I ever imagined and in a way it is, yet somehow it falls short. Maybe I need to give it more time. Maybe this is just another phase I have to go through to once again transcend beyond my limitations. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get my answers soon.

They popped into my head today. All of them individually, then all of a sudden, all of them at once. The loves that passed me by. The one's I gave my heart to, but didn't receive their's in turn. The one's who I let break me down and take pieces of me. Vital pieces, those I thought I couldn't live without. Yet still I stand, still I hold my head high, still I breathe and still I search for that one single soul, who won't steal, yet will give, and I shall cherish with every fiber of my being. The one, who will at long last, break the spell, and set me free.

Stuck in heavy clouds of rain...

No more tears, my heart is dry,

I don't laugh and I don't cry.

I don't think about you all the time,

but when I do, I wonder, why?

Little me, and little you,

kept doing all the things they do,

I never really thought it through,

and I can't believe you're true.

All the stories we could have told...

Here I go again, the blame, the guilt,

the pain, the hurt, the shame.

I'll be a king, I'll have a golden throne...

Today marks the moment when I have stopped wishing. When I have stopped hoping. When I have stopped dreaming for someone to come out of nowhere and save me. If I've learned anything, it's that you can't count on the universe to throw people your way, and that I don't really need people at all. It may seem selfish and naive of me, but the thing is, I can't waste my time anymore. I can't waste my time waiting for someone who'll never come, and trust me, I've been waiting since forever. Yet from today onward, you shall no longer see me endlessly gazing ahead, trying to find that someone, that anyone, who might sweep me off my feet. From today onward, nothing shall be holding me back from marching forward upon the road I still believe I'm destined to walk.

"Do not fear", she said. "Do not cry", she whispered, and as she took him into her arms, he let loose a sigh, knowing that he is now safe. Safe from the dreaded shadows of the forest, safe from the ghastly spectres that relentlessly hunt him. He is safe, but only for an instant. Once she lets go, once she has to say goodbye, he will have to get back on his feet and run. Run like he's never ran before. Then if he is lucky, he might not only escape, but find shelter before twilight sets upon the world. He wonders what his future holds, and when the storms shall thunder once again.

Heaven's got a plan for you...

It is not the fear of moving on that scares me, it is the petrifying sensation that I'll never be able to come back. No one ever told me how much it would hurt to choose in life. They never told me that you can move on from certain things, but it may in turn cost your heart. The decisions I'm making right now, are charting my journey, are shaping who I am, and who I'll still have the potential to be. I don't think I've ever been so tired. Tired of obsessing about the new people coming into my life, and tired of feeling not good enough for those already there. But even still, I have to trust, I have to believe that there's a plan from someone above, leading me to my greater existence, that there's a logic out there fueling me to better prepare for the day something really special might come. It might never arrive, or it might be just around the corner, and that is what makes life so worth living.

Our heart beats for our favorite song...

I can't even grasp how fast my life is changing again, how quickly time is passing by and transforming the circumstances of my being. It's hard to accept the loses, yet they somehow make the small victories so much more extatic. I'd like to be able to tell you that I'm more certain than ever in my resolve, but the truth is that I can't really pin point where I'm heading. It's as if I've been blindfolded and shoved upon a rocky road, spiralling down a path which may very well lead me to my dreams - whatever they might be.

They held hands as they walked towards the ocean, and they held hands as their feet touched the warm stones beside the shore, and they held hands as they approached the pier, and they held hands as they jumped. In midfall they wondered if they'll survive what's to come, and if they'll still be holding hands by the end of it. But then he realised, he doesn't need someone to hold his, for he can hold his own, and those who might come every now and then to unclench his fists, he will cherish forever, through thick and thin, and even when the bells of goodbye have long since tolled. 

The end of everything...

I felt the earth beneath my feet,

sat by the river and it made me complete.

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

The road is geting hard and I need something to rely on.

I came across a fallen tree, 

and the branches were looking at me.

Is this the place I used to love?

Is this the place I've been dreaming of?

Needing something to rely on...

I ended up exactly where I wished for, and now I realise I haven't even really moved an inch. I thought I jumped so far, that I reached high enough to touch the moon, and maybe even the stars, but here I sit, alone, an outcast once more. I guess it's the price of my dreams, yet sometimes when the dream seems so unreachable, I begin to wonder if everything I miss out on, truly outweighs the happy ever after I'll probably never get to experience. And as I brace myself for another goodbye from a friend I thought would stay with me forever, I can't help but shake the feeling that I've walked this road before. I guess as always, the essence of my story and the core philosophy of my journey screams louder than ever; the more things change, the more they actually stay the same.

Somewhere only we know...

Is this the place I've been dreaming of?

You take your aim, fire away, fire away...

I realised today that I'll probably never get to see you again. And while I've moved on, and experienced everything I didn't with you, you were still my first love, and as it turns out, the love of my life. I understood that yesterday, when I was lying in the bathtub, soaking in the heat and getting lost in the smoke of substances that keep me going. The realisation came flickering at first, then it hit me with full force. I wondered how I could feel so intensely for someone I don't actually really know, someone I never truly got to be with. And there within lies the answer I was seeking, the answer I needed, to finally, after all this time, be content with how things turned out.

Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I have to go through now. It seems as if the implosion of everything I hold dear, is even more destructive than I ever dared to imagine. While the tornado gushes with powerful winds, I admit, there are times when I think of giving up the dream and accepting that my time has passed. But then I remember that I made a promise. A commitment to her and to myself that I would never back down, and that's one emblem I shall take to the grave.

My baby shot me down...

The world seems like such a disappointing place sometimes. The people we thought so highly of, bend their knees more quickly than we would have imagined, and the circumstances we find ourselves in, feel so ... unfair. It's as if I'm the inevitable wanderer - the boy who says goodbye, but never knows how to leave.

I lay my head under the water, I lay my head under the sea. There is no time for being younger, and all my friends are now enemies. Broken lines across my mirror, show my face all red and bruised, and even though I screamed and screamed, I wasn't saved, I wasn't safe from you. Aloud I pray for calmer seas, for I still believe that I could be found that I could be the one, who sets you free. The shots are fired, the bullets near, but I don't even take the time to tumble. Instead I hold my tears and stand my ground, as if I was made from stone. I crumble to the ground, covered in blood and engorged with the satisfaction of knowing that I did not flee, but stood unlike the older me. 

Bulletproof, nothing to lose...

I need more time. More time to figure out who I am, and who I want to become. More time to realise what makes me happy and what can conjure a smile on my face. More time to forget how I was treated and how I treated others. More time to forgive myself for what has been done, and what was let go. I need more time to be afraid, more time to fail, more time to build myself up again. I need more time to fall in love, to find that one person who doesn't make me run, but gives me every reason to stay. I need more time to look at the sun, and gaze upon the moon, and ponder how they always chase, yet never meet. I need more time to accept my circumstances, and then even more time to overcome them. I need more time.

His dreams of paradise...

When he was just a boy

he expected the world,

but it flew away from his reach,

so he ran away in his sleep.

Then life goes on, it gets so heavy,

the wheel breaks the butterfly,

and every tear drop is a waterfall.

So in the stormy night he'll close his eyes,

in the stormy night away he'll fly.

Standing in the dark...

It's all your fault, 

you called me beautiful.

Trying to figure out what else to say...

I was right about all of it. I was right. I was right to go, because I was escaping disaster. Just look at me, I ran away, and it has shaped me in ways I'll probably never forget. Now I am left with countless memories of people, ones who've transformed my life and ones I may have lost forever. And as the wind of change blows greater than ever, I am struck with the sudden realisation that down the road to my dreams, I'm going to lose a few more.

The last months have been meer tests for everything I have to face now. It will take longer to succeed this time, if winning even is a possibility at all. The obstacles thrown my way hit harder than I ever imagined, but the thing is, I love every minute of it. The failures, the small victories, the pain of not knowing what tomorrow might bring, all of that illuminates the colours of my world and force me to keep evolving, growing. It's a curious feeling, embracing that you might not have the talent to pursue your dreams, and an even greater agony to admit that anything shy of the stars, shall never be enough. 

All my life just sacrifice...

It was overwhelming, as I somehow knew it would be. Reaching one step higher towards my dreams has led me into a void of uncertainty and peril. The more steps I climb, the harder it gets, and the peak of the mountain is still miles away. These new obstacles life has thrown at me are different than those before, more complex and they require a greater deal of patience and subtlety. And as I navigate no-mans land, I feel nervous, anxious, terrified really. It almost feels as if I managed to find the strength to march towards my dreams, but lack the resolve to not only talk the talk, but actually walk the walk. For if one comes so far, a simple misstep could ruin it all, and one fleeting moment may change all that I am and more.

It is life, I think, to watch the stars.

Going crazy until we see the sun...

I was always told that opposites attract, but I think that people like us, people who'd rather stay at home, endlessly listening to the same song, and reading stories we'll never get to live, fall in love with others like us. In a way, we fall in love with ourselves. We need more, because we can see the deeper parts of people, we long for their souls, their garden of thought, for feeling their backbone, their spine, inhaling the words they breathe. I think we fall for people like us, people with inspiring words, dreams, and glances at strangers. We function differently, because we strive off of beauty, and our entire existence consists of finding that special one thing in someone who isn't just different, but one who thinks, and feels, and wonders as remarkably as we sometimes do. We don't need opposites, or a magnetic force which pulls together, because we're already there.

And so all at once, summer collapsed into fall, and he was left underneath the rubble. This is not a story about strength or about survival or about how he clawed himself back to the surface. This is merely a story about a boy who never let go and is still stuck in the time when he called it love. A story about a boy who never grew up, and to this day, to this second, still dreams of a future most would deem out of reach. A story about a boy who smiles like yesterday does not matter, and laughs as if tomorrow shall be everything today is not. A story about a boy who still believes that happy ever after does indeed exist.

A world so far removed...

I fall in love regularly  with each person whom passes me in the street or who sits beside me on the bus. Not in a romantic way, you see we hardly ever speak a word to one another. But I quietly observe who they are, and I imagine what their story might be. I watch vigilantly - tracking their manners and movements, and appreciating all that these people are, and all they might perhaps one day become. I spend time thinking about the life they lead, what they do for work and what they went to school for. So I sit there and watch, as only a fool could, noting the similarities, studying the differences, and creating a fantasy where our paths could perhaps one day collide. When our eyes meet, I wonder if they are thinking the exact same thing, and then for the most fleeting of moments, the world seems like such a beautiful place.

Break me down with one pretty song...

I hear the birds in the summer breeze,

I'm alone in the night,

and I've been trying not to get into trouble,

but I've got a war in my mind. 

I'm tired of feeling fucking crazy,

I'm tired of driving untill I see the stars in my eyes,

to much to strive for, so I just ride.

The past and the chase...

Back to basics.

Never be afraid again...

He tries to think of ways to escape from the things he's frightened of. He looks for shelter and tries to run as fast as he possibly can. They're still behind him though, chasing him, tireless and determined to finish what they started. As he suffers wound after bruise, and as blood drips from his limbs, he cannot help but wonder if there's something else he can still do. Something to end the pain once and for all. Something to banish the ghosts that haunt, and disintegrate the past that binds. Then, just as he gains momentum, he does the unthinkable - he stops, turns around and smiles. The rain starts to pour, the beasts lurk closer still. In mere moments the nightmare shall swallow him whole and envelop every fiber of his being. Against all odds, against all reason, he will face the unfaceable. What will remain of him, shall live on, greater than what was, and stronger than what is now. If not a fraction of him is left, than this was a battle he was always meant to lose. 

I'll be coming back for you one day...

Life is full of unanswered questions and unsaid goodbyes.

Days go by and I am left wanting and longing for the life and people I left behind. Somehow I feel as if what I've been looking for is further away than ever, and the dreams I dream are becoming meer fleeting images of a boy who forgot to grow up. 

There's a demon, a minor demon, sitting beside me, fucking with my head. Laughing at me, mocking me. For my defeat has never hurt as much. Even though I have changed inside and out, they still treat me as the boy I was, the boy I so desperately wanted to run away from. Perhaps there are some things we cannot shed, and some parts of our soul we can never destroy. Maybe this is just how it all goes down.

We're going to make it you and I, right? 

All we need to do, is save the world tonight.

We're long gone...

It's strange when the people we used to love, become just people we know, and how people we knew, become faint memories of a time when the future felt ever so distant. Sometimes there is an ache in their absence. A gnawing void of where their hands used to be, which they used to unravel me, hollow me out, swallow me whole and watch me come apart at my seams. Then they took every piece of me, and rebuilt me, shaped me anew and even something as subtle as their breathing altered me forever. If someone told me back then that one day all of them would be gone, I would have laughed at their carelessness, yet now it seems, I am the one who didn't know anything at all. If nothing else, I've learned, I've grown and now I can finally accept that even though some people might never be in my life again, I can learn to lean on others and allow others to lean on me. And when the time comes, when we shall meet again, it will be as if no time had passed at all, and our paths never took different turns. Who would have ever thought that always truly meant forever.

I've been thinking about forever...

Me and my head high...

Back to what I knew so far removed,

and so now a tread a troubled track.

We didn't even say goodbye with words,

I died a hundred times,

then you go back to him,

and I go back to black.

It's ok not to be ok...

As much as I've tried to convince myself that I finally got my heart's desires, I think it's now clear that all I did, was claw my way back to a fresh start, and the thing with new beginnings is just that - they're new. I haven't really accomplished anything, all I did was press "restart" on my life. All I have gained is an ironically uncertain future, which as always, takes its precious time to unfold. It seems that seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing, and sometimes it's hard to follow your heart, when you realise you might never make it.

He walks down the rocky road to the shore and lays down on the scorched sand. He inhales a deep breath and is instantly mesmerized by the smell of the ocean. It was as if he never left, as if he never broke down, as if he never gave up. Almost everything felt the same, looked the same, it even sounded the same, yet something was different, something significant. Perhaps the way the seagulls stood on the pier or the way the wind played with the leaves on the palm trees. He did not care to find out, because nothing could change the fact, that once again, even after everything, even after all that work, he is once again lost in the meadows.

Seasons came and changed the time...

There are no simple answers, especially for questions it took a decade to even ask. As life reverts to old patterns, I am reminded just how far I've come from the boy that once was, and how close I still am to the boy who shall forever remain. It's unfortunate how quickly we forgot about each other, yet I somehow always knew in the back of my mind, in the deepest clutches of my heart that we were meant to come into each other's lives, and then disappear forever. That way the story we created would stay intacted, frozen in time. Even though such circumstances are near perfect, I still feel sad sometimes, for I wonder if we truly found love because it was meant to be, or if it was too good of a tale to let slip by, and we fell into one another's arms more out of convinience than actual desire. I wonder that a lot and I guess I'll never really know, and I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to be. If nothing else, it brought me joy when it happened, and it shall always conjure a smile on my face when I remember.

A garden that's bursting into life...

Do you think we'll ever get to live the life we always thought we would? The life which seems so within reach, yet somehow miles away? The life she envisioned for me when I was a mere child? The very possibility of it, to this day, makes my body shiver with excitement, with ecstasy. What if it comes true? What if destiny guides me down a path towards the dream I dream? What if life unfolds in ways I cannot even phantom and suddenly I find myself exactly where I always wanted to be? Needed to be? It's as if all these questions are part of this profound realisation that I am more in limbo than I've ever been, and that I'm happier than I ever thought I could be, despite, or perhaps because of every single mistake I made during the course of my remarkably convincing portrayal of a boy reaching for his wildest dreams.

If you give my words another listen, you will hear that my voice is just a disguise, and that if you close your eyes, you shall see me by your side. We can laugh at those who laugh at us, because we know that none of them have ever felt this way. Every single song takes our breath away, for words cannot conjure where we are, and how far we still might go.

So much left to say...

I'll be all you need and more...

You had my heart, and we'll never be worlds apart,

because even in the dark, you can see the shiny stars,

and when you need me there, with you I'll always share.

When the sun shines, we'll shine together,

even when it's raining more than ever,

we're part of this entity, here for infinity.

When the sun shines, we'll shine together...

I should be writing more, I know, but somehow I find myself searching for words. I can't seem to put the last six months onto paper, even though I've been trying day and night. Maybe there are some stories that are meant to stay with us, always lying dormant within our souls, surfacing when we allow them, reminding us of the journey walked and the path overcome. The people I met changed my life, and I'd like to imagine that I changed their's as well. We found each other in this crazy world, all searching for answers to questions we were always afraid to ask, yet among us, nothing was forbidden, and we were all allowed to experiment with who we are, and who we wanted to become. It was there, with their help, that I found a new me, a greater me. Few can even notice the differences, the changes on my edges, but the important thing is that I can see them, feel them, live them. For there is no greater victory than the one over yourself.

He jumped into the ocean, knowing it will accept him like always before. He swam as far as he could, and he almost touched the sun as it was sinking into the sea. It was perhaps the first time he felt completely at ease, with no thought of what was, and what shall once be. He drew breath only for today, for this moment, for himself. He saw his reflection in the watery mirror, and he smiled, because at long last, he was content with the person looking back at him. Even though there are still higher mountains to climb, he is happy with where he stands now. He sleeps in the ocean, wondering how long life will allow him to stay there. But even if the rain falls, he'll be all he needs and more.

After all this time...

I feel the wind of change.

It's been a long time coming, and tomorrow I embark upon the path, which shall take me back to where it all started. Where I decided that the life I was leading was not the story I wanted for myself. It was there that I admitted who I was, and who I wanted to be. There on that beach, I made a promise to myself, an eternal pact that I will never back down, that I would never stop dreaming. Then I flew away, and now I find myself wanting to sit besides the ocean and once again gaze inward, examining who I've become, and what I still need to accomplish. She shall sit near me, and offer me wisdom, comfort and the sheer confirmation that I am not alone in this world. I've really missed her, and there's so much we have to discuss away from prying eyes and nosy ears. The hour of my resurrection is upon us, and there's just enough time for one last getaway. For tonight truly is the last sunset of the life which was, and the birth of one I can't wait to start living.

They'll carry me home tonight...

Like zombies coming back from the dead,
tonight we'll dance like it's the last night of our life.

My kingdom awaits...

And so, after all this time, he was home, or what was left of it anyway. He said his farewells knowing of the destruction he was leaving behind, and the sorrow he inflicted upon those who held him up during his journey. As he was standing in front of everything he once held dear, and standing behind everything that made him into the man he is today, he did not shed tears, for he was so sure in what he was doing and in who he wanted to become. The battle has just begun, and these last few months have been training for everything he shall have to endure in the future to transcend into the person he sees every night in his dreams. He is taller and stronger than ever. Even if they have not forgiven his mistakes, he has forgiven himself, and he has rebuilt what was destroyed. The wasteland lies beneath him, his fantasies float just above reach. It's as if nothing had changed, yet so many things have. He marches forward, determined, and as always, with that stupid grin on his face.

It's not a cry you can hear at night...