On the other side of a street I knew...

My heart is bound to beat right out...

He wants to be happy - to let himself break the chains which bind him to solitude and desperation. He wants it to be different, for him to transcend even his greatest fears and accept that while life is unlike anything he wanted, it has moments that take his breath away and make him gasp for air. They are few and far in-between, yet when they arrive he cannot deny that they envelop him, make him see the objective truth, and above all else, shine a glimmer of hope for the road ahead. As every year before, a tiny piece of him broke away, but this time it was so silent, he could barely hear it himself. He is someone new, and it took him by surprise, when suddenly a unrecognisable reflection gazed back as his reflection. And it was in that very moment that he came to realise the ultimate truth: destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

I found another way to die...

I think it's time to let you know

the way I feel when you take hold.

One single touch from you, I'm gone.

Still got the rush when I'm alone.

I think it is time I let you know -

take all of me, I will devote.

You set me free, my body's yours

it feels the best when you're involved.

Inside Jean Karr...

When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready to face whatever might come our way. The challenge will not wait, and life does not look back, because in truth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit or a event in your life when all hope is lost. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it, and knowing you, I hope you at least try to see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if by any chance you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

Mess with me harder...

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, sadly the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without ever knowing what's going to happen next.

I live and breathe words. .... It was creating this thing that is not a blog that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone. That I had someone I could be honest with, who would read my words, and simply understand how I was lonely and afraid, but always brave; the way I saw the world, its colours and textures and sounds, 

Yet there are things not even all of you get to know. Emotions I'm ashamed of, because words diminish them. They shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within, not for want of a tellar, but for want of an understanding ear.

Sick of hearing my own lies...

Where dead men called out...

Our hair shall be grey...

They say a good love is one that sits you down, gives you a drink of water, and pats you on top of the head. But I say a good love is one that casts you into the wind, sets you ablaze, makes you burn through the skies and ignite the night like a phoenix; the kind that cuts you loose like a wildfire and you can't stop running simply because you keep on burning everything that you touch. That's great love; one that scorches and flies, and you run with it. For I have learned that you can go anywhere you want to go and do anything you want to do and buy all the things that you want to buy and meet all the people that you want to meet and learn all the things that you desire to learn and if you do all these things but are not madly in love: you have still not begun to live. Because sometimes the things that are felt the most are expressed between two souls over distance and time - where no words abide. And while others may speak freely, live with one another, and express themselves, I feel as if we are different. We have no words for proof of reassurance, no tokens of professed love, but still, we have something. Something worth keeping.

A hefty bag to hold my life...

Fight, fright, flight, feed, fuck.

My primal instincts take hold, and I am left in a state of autopilot. I don't even notice my surroundings. Failure has left its toll, yet I find myself marching forward, barely being shaken, so used to not getting what I want, I barely grasp the concept of disappointment. And I guess it wouldn't be fair to judge my choices without understanding my reasons, so let me explain. There was once a time I couldn't separate thoughts from my mind, then something happened, something I never shared, not even with you, and I suddenly found that the only way for me to survive is to write down anything, to write down everything - that way I could contain my fragile soul, and hold back the tears, Now here I am, writing for the sole sake of writing, without real agenda, and no true meaning. Without success or hope of stardom. Simply feeding my addiction, repeating and reliving, trying to sow back what was torn apart so many years ago.

Here we are again...

On the other side of a street I knew,

stood a boy that looked like you.

I guess that's déjà vu,

but I thought this can't be true.

Oh but that one night,

was more than just right.

I didn't leave you 'cause I was all through.

Oh I was overwhelmed and frankly scared as hell,

because I really fell for you.

Oh I swear to you,

I'll be there for you,

Just a shy guy looking for a two-ply,

hefty bag to hold my love.

When you move me everything is groovy,

and I swear to you,

I'll be there for you,

this is not a drive by.

Strange things did happen here...

As the year slowly comes to a close, I try to ponder upon the newest version of myself. My reflection in the mirror is different, and so are my inner most thoughts. I have changed - I have changed because of you for sure. You showed me many things. From the brightest of corners to the darkest of fields, yet through it all I can say with absolute certainty that my love for you has never faltered. Even though the demons in my mind try to convince me otherwise, I am without a doubt in love in a way I never thought I was capable. At times it is quite frightening how I seem to be happy, successfully fighting off my primal doubts, and try to accept the fact that I might not be as alone as I'd like to believe. No longer the victim, and no longer the fool, I find myself on uncharted grounds, navigating the unfamiliar waters, sailing through thin and thick, knowing I shall survive, for you are my guide.

Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not, it's going to hurt like hell. But you can't stop it. You can't change your fate. Some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge. You don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to you anymore. But don't try and change that. Stuff like that is meant to happen. Over time, certain things no longer have an affect on you. And that happens because that's the way it's supposed to be. But you'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or spring rain start to matter. So pay attention and be ready, for it might catch you off guard and happen soon. Sooner than you'd think.

This is not a drive by...

Overwhelmed and frankly scared as hell...

Še vedno ali že spet? 

As he awaits slumber, he realises that love is truly never love at all, and the world he was accustomed to is about to be shaken once more. You can put a bandage on a wound, but if you don't take proper measures to heal your affliction, it just gets bigger and bigger, evoking more pain that demands to be felt, until you find yourself bleeding out, not even being able to scream. We are goners for sure, yet he cannot bring himself to admit that this was how it was foretold, and that it comes as no surprise that the boy who unveils his heart to you day after day, is cursed in ways he can't quite grasp. But do not take this as wallowing or self-pity, he does not shed tears so neither should you. That's just how it goes and how it always will - the one sided love affair, too deep in, to climb out, and not nearly enough air to hold his breath through the storm. 

My tricks aren't worth the time they buy...

At least I'm looking...

I think I'm starting to really like the person I see in the mirror. I have grown, learned from my mistakes, and against every prediction, become an adult - or at least a close interpretation of one. I can see things more clearly, for what they are, not distorted by fantasy or panic. I am calmer, and more aware of my surroundings, with the capacity to grasp and be susceptible to the feelings of other people. I feel content with the journey I am on, and the possibilities it may still provide. I haven't given up, I haven't given up even a little - I am simply quieter and more subtle with my ambition. The statue of us that I mould day after day, seems to take a different form each full moon, yet every time I look upon it, I smile, because I see something beautiful. Perhaps not eternal, not indestructible, but in this moment in time, exactly what I need. Who knows what shape it will take next or what awaits us just around the corner, for the true magic is not really caring, but trying to cherish the tangible, the real, the now.

I never miss a beat...

But I keep cruising,

can't stop, won't stop moving.

It's like I have this music in my mind,

saying: "it's going to be all right." 

Because the players are going to play,

the haters are going to hate,

and the fakers are going to fake.

but I'm just going to shake, shake it off.