Embrace the world in grey...

You were never really mine...

Goodbyes can be painful, because it feels as if a part of our anatomy is being yanked from our body. Like our favourite toy was flushed away, and we are forced to find something or someone else to occupy our time and mind. But when we take a step back to look more closely, we can see the gifts that are there in void that was left behind. Maybe goodbye isn't always bad, perhaps sometimes it is actually saying "I love you enough to not block you from greater love. To recognise that I can only take you so far, and to know that someone can take you further." As I ponder these thoughts I think of the sweet, sensitive souls, the people who are my tribe, you know? All of you in fact, and how hard it is to navigate your heart in this plane, in this linear, basic, mediocre, hypocritical world. To find those beacons of light in the darkness is such a gift. And you are that for me. You are still that.

Giving too much away...

So the sea has gone to take me,

maybe now I'd let it fall.

I tell myself I won't go astray,

and I believe it's going be hard,

so I look across the mane

to a point far out of sight.

Over me comes the rain,

and I'll be gone,

but then comes the night.

I'm looking for ways over water,

I'm looking for ways to go.

I'm looking for ways over water,

I'm looking for ways back home.

The sun will set for me...

I give to you my heart - what's left of it anyway. I wish to part ways with it, because it has become too much of a burden. It beats so loudly and with such speed that my chest feels like it's going to explode any minute. Maybe some of us are not meant to own hearts, it may simply not be for everyone. I've tried to tame it. To grasp how it ticks, and how I can make it work for me, not against me, but to no avail. I give it to you, hoping that one day you will return it and I will know exactly what to do. Until then, I bid farewell, and sincerely apologise for the havoc I will reek, but as of now, there is no other way. No other way for me to survive.

You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world. That no one has ever felt as intensely or profoundly as you do in this very moment, but then you read. You come here or you go somewhere else, and you read words written by someone already dead or halfway around the world. You read the inner most thoughts, the inner most pain of someone, and you instantly feel connected, and more importantly not so very alone. It helps, because when pain comes, and it inevitably does, you have to make a choice, and you have to make it now. The damage might be permanent, and there are always going to be scars. But even the angriest scars fade over time until it is difficult to see them written on the skin at all, and the only thing that is still there is the memory of how painful it had been.

All the kicks and all the blows...

Sometimes goodbye is the only way...

As he noticed you across the street, how you seemed happier than ever, how you seemed to have epitomised everything he is not - in that moment he was certain without a doubt, that sometimes solutions aren't simple, and the only thing you can do to stay intact, is to walk away. And so he did. He ran through the night, with memories of you rushing in his mind, reminding him that despite everything, he truly did love you, and the bond you shared will be something he'll be proud of forever. He is not afraid of the emotions that are ripping him apart, for he knows that in pain there is strength, and the path forward is always paved with thorns. The sun shall set as it forever has, and he will continue onward. Alone, yet never lonely, and with that same old grin on his face.

My own superhero...

Heart of steel...

I realised that it's not fair of me to be angry or disappointed in the people around me for not seeing the world as I do or understanding how I feel without me telling them. Nothing can be taken for granted, especially in our most sacred relationships. When you feel sad, you shouldn't feel ashamed to express it - in fear of seaming weak and pitiful. Friendship is supposed to transcend such things. It's supposed to bring peace where there is chaos, and serenity where there is confusion. But how does one react when such a bond no longer does any of that? When it brings sadness and pain and frustration? What happens then? Does life move on? A little lonelier, but more real? More attune with the journey we're on? With who we are in this instant in time? While there are no true answers, there is time, and as always, time enlightens even the darkest of days.

Turn the pain into power...

All his life he's been told,

he'll be nothing when he's old.

All the kicks and all the blows,

he won't ever let it show.

Because he's stronger than you know,

a heart of steel starts to grow.

When you've been fighting for it all your life,

and you've been struggling to make things right -

that's how a superhero learns to fly.

So I look across the mane...

He took you at your word, when you promised you'd take all of him, his every part. He believed when you said you've never felt like this about anyone, that you've never felt closer or more attune to someone. He trusted that you felt as profoundly as you claimed. He had not a single doubt about you, it was himself he was wrong about. Was what he felt love or something else? Lust or simply an obsession? A way of dealing with his past? A way to move forward? A way to grow? Perhaps even his selfish way of building his self-worth? Of experiencing things just to make sure he doesn't want them. Of experiencing life, just so he is certain it doesn't pass him by.

This is goodbye, my darling, this is thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy and happiness and thus leaving imprints that will sustain me for a lifetime. Thank you for showing me that love can exist - even in the most wrenching of circumstances. That it doesn't need reason or logic, but simply a strong belief of two hearts. Thank you for loving me, and showing me what it means to give love in return. But most of all, thank you for hurting me and leaving me behind. You showed me that despite everything, love can be such an easy thing to take for granted, such a simple thing to forget. Thank you for pushing me to become better, so that one day, when I'll least expect it, I'll be ready for a new kind of love. Perhaps everything ours couldn't be. Thank you for being the best thing that has ever happened to me, and for teaching me that in vein of forever, even a glimpse of happiness can be all I'll ever really need.

Looking for ways over water...

There are moments in our life, when we know, when there is not a shadow of a doubt that the path we are on is leading us closer to everything we ever wanted. It doesn't happen very often, especially amid all the chaos and blood of our daily grind. We are so quick to forget what we once craved for, and what we dreamt of every night before we went to sleep. It's easier to let go of the fantasy, and accept that our journey might not be as unique and magnificent as we had hoped. It's simpler to move on. But I am not here to give up. I'm not here to kneel down. And I'm certainly not here to surrender. I have lived through too much. I've seen too much and lost too much to just back down. The struggle is more real than ever, leaving me with no choice, but to throw myself even more fully at my destiny - hoping I somehow stay intact, and perhaps, against all odds, plummet towards the moon.

I'll go write a song...

The glass begins to break...

All the blood that I will bleed...

I feel like I'm running on a track with a train incoming behind me - with full speed and no sings of stopping. I've bitten off more than I can chew, and as my gag reflex begins to spasm, I hold my mouth for dear life and pray that I am able to calm down. I'm afraid that I won't just drop one ball, but all of them together, making it seem as if I had no business to juggle them in the first place. Overwhelmed doesn't being to cover the state I am currently in, and I'm fully aware that it's about to get far worse, and that's ignoring the fact that I've almost forgotten how much more weight I'd have to carry if I had something of significance - something great. Something to call my own. Whatever might come, and however the winds might blow next, I shall stand tall. Well ... maybe not tall, but steady for sure.

Denying all my crimes...

I can feel the floor shaking, 

and the glass begin to break.

The air is getting thinner 

with every breath that I take.

The calm before the storm, 

you can hear the drop of a pin.

Never been claustrophobic, 

but now the walls are closing in.

Of all the love I have taken,

all the hearts I've turned to hate -

hearts are easily broken when you're being made into shade.

Crossed every line, broken every boundary,

and now it's retribution time, 'cause the church that I went to,

it ain't that holy.

Strike me down, take me away.

Debts are due, it's time to pay.

Face what I deserve, here comes judgement day.

Burn my soul, it's not too late...

I've always been told that when the road ahead seems impossible to predict, all you can really do is march forward one step at a time, hoping to avoid potholes and trusting that somehow, against all odds, you'll end up where you're supposed to. Yet as I navigate my new surroundings I find that all of that was bullshit. Don't believe in a happy ever after. Don't hope for it. Don't wish upon a star to lead you there. Fuck that. Demand it instead. Scream at the top of your lungs, and don't go step by step. Rather leap. Jump over. Heck, do cartwheels. Life's too short to do anything else, because you might find yourself looking back and realising that you've been waiting for so long that your life has passed you by. Don't be a shadow in your own story. Be the catalyst. Be the hero.

What if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness, creep up right next to you and whisper: "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more" ... What would you do? Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Would you damn the world and its inhibited agenda to make an already insufferable experience last forever? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment that you would gladly live a thousand times more? A passage of time which made you certain that despite everything or perhaps because of it, life is such a beautiful thing.