He is waiting for daylight...

Bang my head against the wall,

though I feel light headed, now I know I will not fall,

I will rise above it all.

Found what I was searching for,

though I feel light headed,

I should have failed, and nailed the floor -

instead I rose above it all.

With every heartbeat...

It's all like a dream. Everything is ecstasy, inside. We just don't know it because of our thinking-minds. But in our true blissful essence of mind it is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. Close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for three seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught long ago and not even at all. It is all one vast awakened thing. It is perfect. We were never really born, we will never really die. It's a dream already ended. There's nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. I know this from staring at mountains months on end. They never show any expression, they are like empty space. Mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, empty and awake, will never decay because it was never born.

The actor starring in your bad dreams...

I've got a list of names...

I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. So when we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

In the nick of time...

Growing up means learning many different lessons. Because when you're little, you have a set of ideals, standards, criteria, plans, outlooks, and you think that you have to sit around and wait for them to happen to you and then life will work. But it doesn't really work that way, does it? You can't fall in love with a standard, you have to fall in love with a person. You can't live in a criteria, you have to live your life. You can't wait for your plans to materialise, because they may never do so the way you think they will. You can't wait to watch your ideals and standards walk up to you, because you can't know what's yours until you have it.

I've always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed. For me, I have accepted that I am doomed to never truly rest. Because it was that sort of sleep in which you wake every hour and think to yourself that you have not been sleeping at all; you can remember dreams that are like reflections, daytime thinking slightly warped. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

Look what you made me do...

I don't like your kingdom keys,

for they once belonged to me.

You asked me for a place to sleep,

locked me out and threw a feast.

The world moves on, another day, another drama, 

but not for me, all I think about is karma.

And then the world moves on, but one thing's for sure -

maybe I got mine, but you'll all get yours.

I need you on the other side...

I was not sure where I was going, and I could not see what I would do when I got there, but you saw further and clearer than I, and you opened the seas before my ship, whose track led me across the waters to a place I had never dreamed of, and which you were even then preparing to be my rescue and my shelter and my home. So I as lay my trust in you, and accept that while I might not know exactly where I'm going, holding your hand is all I need to feel secure. Sometimes I question what I did to come to this point in life - to deserve you and everything else that just seems to be falling into place. I wonder if perhaps all those painful decisions to march ahead on the high road finally payed off - if maybe all those nights spent alone rather than continuing on my self-destructive path, are gradually starting to make sense. I catch myself thinking these thoughts and becoming scared ... then I simply look into your eyes, and just like that, I know that it's going to be okay.

Too few of our old crew...

My eyes open when they feel the light...

I feel so much younger now...

In tako mi je bilo v trenutku jasno -

kot da bi vedel ves čas,

vendar se ne bi mogel spomniti.

Therefore, dear friends, he can finally put into simple words, what he wishes to tell: love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away, and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast. Be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn't necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the lonesomeness that you trust, and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it. And then one day you shall find yourself staring right in it's face, wondering how you weren't able to see it all along.

Listen to her magic...

On this day, as I celebrate everything you gave me and still represent in my life, I conjure memories of a time when you still existed, and I am not proud to say that it is harder with each passing year. So many things happen that life has no alternative but to erase and erode. Yet even though the details may be faded, the core memory shall forever remain intact. So, as always on this day of days, I make a vow to uphold all the principles you taught me. So here it goes ... here's to love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.

It's hard to learn, it's hard to love...

What about all the times you said you had the answers?

What about all the broken happy ever afters?

What about all the plans

that ended in disasters?

What about love? 

What about trust?

What about us?

Come and meet me in the sky...

So much for a home run...

And there you are ... it's been so long I thought I'd never see you again. Yet here you are, standing in front of me, as strong as you've ever been, reminding me that despite how much I think I've grown, despite how far I've come, my primal sadness is such an inherent part of me, that while it may lay dormant, it shall surely never be vanquished. Objectively, things are not as bad as they seem, yet the stakes are so high that even the smallest misstep knocks me to the ground. I am on the precipice of the rest of my life - my actions matter. My decisions have consequences. If I fail now, I can't brush it off as young foolishness or as just another lesson learned. A failure now is detrimental and can cause rifts that span for years to come. A failure now means everything I've ever wished for, everything I've hoped for can vanish into thin air - just like that.

He can feel again...

Some fairytale bliss...

I'm thinking this is too good to be true, right? There has to be some sort of catch. Something I missed and will come to bite me in the ass? And if nothing else, I have for sure jinxed it by now, haven't I? The other shoo shall drop, and I wonder how I'm going to react this time. I guess reverting back to old patterns is as good a plan as any, though it seems rather boring at this point in time. If I've really grown, then my breakdowns have to evolve as well. Something more meaningful - with a greater impact and more dire consequences. With a higher understanding of what was lost, and how much time was actually wasted.

Another page turns on the calendar, August now, not July. He is spinning the silk threads of his story, weaving the fabric of his world, for not long ago he spun out of control. Eating was hard. Breathing was hard. Living was hardest. He wanted to swallow the bitter seeds of forgetfulness ... somehow, he dragged himself out of the dark and asked for help. He spins and weaves and knits his words and visions until a life starts to take shape. There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore. He was finally starting to thaw.