Horses made of sticks...

This is a new thought. I'm not sure exactly what it means, but it suggests I'm a fighter. In a sort of brave way. It's not as if I'm never friendly. Okay, maybe I don't go around loving everybody I meet, maybe my smiles are hard to come by, but I do care for a lot of people.

I looked at myself in that window, oblivious to all the people around me and I stared and smiled that particular smile. You know that smile that seems to knock you and tell you how pathetic you are? That's the smile I was smiling. It was in that moment I realised that I'm not going to change the whole world, but I can change myself and feel free as a bird. I can be serene even in the midst of calamities and, by my serenity, make others more tranquil. Serenity is contagious. If we smile at someone, they will smile back. And a smile costs nothing. We should plague everyone with joy. If we are to die in a minute, why not die happily, laughing?

Devil's on your shoulders...

For lack of a better ending...

There's a gentle sigh which descends like billowing silk upon the soul that accepts its coming death. It's a gentle pocket of air in the turbulence of everyday life. The silk settles around you as if it has been drifting towards the earth forever and has finally found it's target. The flag of defeat has been mercifully dropped and, in this action, the loss is not so bad. Defeat itself is defeated by the embrace of defeat, and death is swallowed up in the victory of insuring that we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in foreign lands, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our home, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the shore, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

Life's a stranger, until I see you again...

Patience is not the ability to wait. Patience is to be calm no matter what happens, constantly take action to turn it to positive growth opportunities, and have faith to believe that it will all work out in the end while you're waiting. The key is to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not blindly look for answers. They cannot be given to you now because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

Lets dance like shadows...

Stood at the cold face,

stood with our backs to the sun,

I can remember being nothing but fearless and young.

We've become echoes, but echoes, they fade away.

We've fallen to the dark as we dive under the waves.

The devil's on your shoulder,

the strangers in your head,

as if you don't remember,

as if you can forget.

Making dire moves...

Fuck this. Fuck this wondering. Fuck this trying and trying for the sake of not giving up. Fuck this belief that you have to always strive to be ideal. Fuck this helplessness. Fuck this waiting for something to happen that probably won't ever happen. Fuck that. 

I have tried forever to stop being vulnerable, but it's not going to happen, so, fuck it, I'll just embrace it. And how many times have I let myself be overwhelmed by fear, I can't even count. But always, I have found the determination to overcome it. Being exposed has made me the artist I am today and continues to be part of my daily existence. How else could I open my heart and create? Worrying about not being good enough or being terrified to start a new project brings out the anxiety. So I guess I’ll embrace that too. Being courageous has brought me rewards I will never forget. From being able to travel the globe to realizing I could handle trauma in my family with strength I didn't know I had. All I can hope for is that I continue to allow myself to be open. To face my fears and go on with audacity. Maybe when facing my very human nature, I strip off my armor and adopt tenacity and valor with an open heart. Maybe that is the ultimate act of bravery.

The long haul...

A dream of spring...

Live and die by pretty lies...

I think it is time we say a word about fear, for it is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary ... how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention. It shows no mercy and does not discriminate. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of terror and panic because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you. 

Things fall apart...

Well, there's broken silence,

by thunder crashing in the dark,

and this broken record,

spinning endless circles in the bar.

This world can hurt you,

it cuts you deep and leaves a scar.

Nothing breaks like a heart...

My head aches, my eyes burn, my arms and legs have given up, and my face in the mirror has a greyish cast. All I want is to speak my truth. To be heard, with all purpose, to be acknowledged. To be seen, in all colours and all deformity. To be liberated. And yet be tolerated, and even forgiven, for my failures. And that is happiness without thought. To work with pleasure; when tired, given rest; when hungry, being fed; when sad, restored. Not excused, but loved. Because each wave that rolls onto the shore must release back to the ocean. I am the same. Denying this necessity does not remove it. So I teach myself to let go. To realise that, sometimes, the best thing to do ... is absolutely nothing.

Freedom is ours...

Throwing down my guard...

I literally have no idea how this is going to work out. Never before have I been so unable to predict the outcome of my circumstance. Usually I can at least sum up my karma and predict which way life shall swing, yet now, as I wait for answers that shall irrevocably shape my future, I am at a loss for predictions. Is it weird that I'm still so happy, though? I can feel every inch of my body pulsing with life. Beating in the rhythm of my heart, singing a song of triumph and defeat, of sorrow and bliss. Of kingdom come.

If we only had eyes to see and ears to hear and wits to understand, we would know that the kingdom in the sense of holiness, goodness, beauty is as close as breathing and is crying out to be born both within ourselves and within the world; we would know that the kingdom is what we hunger for above all other things even when we don't know its name or realise that it's what we're starving to death for. The kingdom is where our best dreams come from and our truest prayers. We can take a glimpse at those moments when we find ourselves being better than we are and wiser than we know. We catch sight of it when at some moment of crisis a strength seems to come to us that is greater than our own. It is where we belong. It is home, and whether we realise it or not, I think we are all homesick for it.

Only then I'll be free...

My beautiful crazy...

Beautiful, crazy, you can't help but amaze me,

the way that you dance, ain't afraid to take chances,

and wear your heart on your sleeve.

Yeah, you're crazy, but your crazy's beautiful to me.

Your unpredictable, unforgettable,

it's unusual, unbelievable -

how I'm such a fool, 

yeah I'm such a fool for you.

Keep me warm as life grows colder...

I have an idea that the only thing, which makes it possible to regard this world we live in without disgust, is the beauty that now and then we create out of chaos. The pictures we paint, the music we compose, the books we write, and the lives we lead. Of all these, the richest in beauty is the beautiful life. That is the perfect work of art. For there are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. Patterns hidden by patterns. Patterns within patterns. If you watch close, history does nothing but repeat itself. What we call chaos is just patterns we haven't recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can't decipher. what we can't understand we call nonsense. What we can't read we call gibberish. There is no free will.