It's been a long time coming...

Morda je prav, da te ni več...

A sinner or a saint...

I am sorry for a lot of things. I've hurt a lot of people over the years, some more than others, but what they all have in common is that none of them ever sought redemption, and being a vindictive person I find that hard to understand. Because if we don't settle old scores then our wounds can never truly heal, without vengeance there is no room for forgiveness, without forgiveness there is no way to move forward, past all the shitty things we've done to one another that make us scream out in agony and in pain, day after day...

I'm sorry. For everything. Every single time I said something that caused you to feel ashamed or less worthy. I'm sorry for letting my issues dictate how I live and how I interact with others. I'm sorry for not having the courage to tell you that you mean a lot to me and that I beat myself up every day for being so... distant... I'm sorry, I really am. I don't expect you to forgive and forget, I know I wouldn't. All I want to gain is some sort of self accomplishment, that I can objectively spot my mistakes and at least try to repent for the damage I've done...

You've got mail...

Did you ever get a letter which you knew contains something that can change your life? Its content is strangely alluring yet greatly overestimated. It's never what I think it's going to be. That is what makes it so fun, that's why we keep doing it, even though we've grown apart we still feel this distinct and pristine connection. The first cut is the deepest they say and boy are they right...

I didn't open it yet and I'm not going to. The thrill of actually not being sure what's inside is sadly far more exhilarating. Once I open it, the magic will disappear. I always build it up so much in my head, I think of countless different scenarios, each more liberating than the next. It's never what I expect it to be, it's always so much more. We both know what to say, what the other needs at a given time. We know so much about each other but really we don't know anything. We both changed. In our absence we reached new hights and maybe one day we'll find our way back...

I hate mail that I know might cause a shift in my life. I dread it everytime, even though it's inevitable. I'm not going to open it until the last moment, when I know there's nothing left to do. Maybe she'll forgive me one day, maybe I'll forgive her. If it's meant to be we will find each other, we will overcome any circumstance. If it's not, then these letters is all we have left...

The stars are shining bright...

I am flawed. I am far from perfect. I am damaged, on the inside as well as the outside. I have come to terms with all these harsh realities, but I can't seem to foster this profound and diligent frame of mind. I always get caught up in the tempest of self doubt and shame, even though I try with all my might to break free, the fierce winds show no mercy...

The thing I realised today is that the good thing about being young, is that there is no such thing as mistakes. It's all just research. Gaining knowledge and insight into what you like, how you function and how people perceive you. There is no such thing as regret, because all that happens now, right at this moment, fuels our individuality so it can bloom and grow, so the roots of our inner self can intertwine and entangle countless arrays of what was previously a damp, dark void...

We fought today. Like never before. Things were said that can never be taken back. We probably won't recover from this. At least I won't. If nothing else she taught me alot and her parting words linger still: "I at least have the courage to be what I am, do you?" ...

Make me beautiful...

There is nothing to believe in anymore.

There is no more faith.

She whispered, she had to tame me.

Did she embrace me? Did I condemn her?

My fifteen minutes of fame...

When something good happens in our life, we all too often let it slip by without really enjoying it and taking advantage of all the new doors and windows which suddenly opened. I know I was like that for a long time, but now I'm ready to milk my recent achievement for all it has, I won't let it go till the last drop, god knows I deserve it...

I just hope I don't get star-struck. If it all gets into my head, like it did a few years ago, history is doomed to repeat itself. But I'm confident that I'll do better this time, I pledged that I would and now I'm trying my best to balance "fame" and all the monsters that come with it. I'm guessing She's testing me again, to see if I've learned anything. She wants me to fail, I can sense it. I won't give Her the satisfaction. She won far to many times, always gloating afterwards, it makes me sick just thinking about it. I'll show everyone how I'm not the same person I was 4 years ago, but most importantly I have to show myself...

Good things do happen. Sometimes they're not exactly the way you pictured them, they're not quite the dream you fantasised about everyday, but at least it's something. What occured is far from what I thought would make me whole again, yet somehow I feel like it was enough to give me a push in the right direction...

I can't take it anymore...

The party doesn't start until I walk in...

It felt so good to unwind after all this time. I mean I had fun before, but this time it felt like everything just fell away as I regressed to a carefree individual. Every single worry, every bit of stress just kept tumbling off my body. I didn't stop until I knew all of it was gone...

I could have made excuses why not to go. Why not to enjoy myself. Why to deprive myself of everything that is worth living for. But I didn't. A few years ago, heck a few weeks ago, I would have. Yet somehow things changed, Circumstances changed. I changed, not a lot, just a little bit, just enough, to see things in a whole new perspective. The question that now remains is if I can actually fuel this new mindset and build a long lasting life around it...

It's so liberating to be able to go somewhere, anywhere, without the constant burden of analysing every single unimportant detail. I didn't care that unfamiliar people were there, who probably hate me. I didn't care that I may have made a fool out of myself. Because you know what? I deserve a chance, once in a while, to simply break lose of the shackles shackling me to the ground. Yet even when I do, I constantly remember the struggle I had to endure to get here, the energy I had to put into fixing myself and in hindsight it was well damn worth it...

Farewell my almost lover...

It's over. It's finally over. I'm free. All this time spent and for what? Almost getting to the finish line? Almost reaching the top? Almost living the dream? I failed just enough for everything to fall apart, yet I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. I still achieved a lot. More than most, less than some. I almost touched the sky...

Maybe I'm just not that person, who gets all he wants. Maybe I'm the guy who always strives for something, does a damn good job, but never really comes out on top. Maybe I've been fooling myself all this time, with all the wishing and dreaming, at the end of it all it didn't help, not one bit. But what if all this, the entire journey wasn't about winning, maybe it was about something else, something I've missed entirely. I have this strange feeling that it's right up my nose, staring at me, but I can't seem to pin point it, I see it for a second, then it disappears, it vanishes as quicky as it came...

It has just begun. It has finally begun. I'm free. Free to do anything I want, because if nothing else I've grown. Grown enough to see that I'll never be here again, that I'll never have another shot. I've grown enough to just go for it and be happy...

Come crashing down...

I don't know what you're expecting from me,

I've become so tired, so much more aware

and I know I'll end up failing too,

every step that I take is just another mistake...

I feel so numb...

In a world where kings rule and slaves do all the work, it's immensely hard to determine yourself if you fall somewhere in between. At times the long haul to royalty seems so close that you begin to lose grasp of what is and what could have been. While sometimes you can't help but surrender to your primal urges and bask in the simplistic reality of slavery...

I received a piece of information today and I wish I hadn't. It was just enough to make me doubt everything again, yet as little to still make me hope. I know I obsess way to much, but I can't help thinking about all the things I let slip through my fingers in order to get what I think can make up for what I did to Her. She would have been so proud, she would have known exactly what to say and what to keep to herself. If only I had been stronger, more careful, maybe I wouldn't be stuck in what feels like a devouring void...

I am not a king, neither am I a slave. Forever fighting to reach one side, any side, it doesn't even matter at this point. All I want is closure, a purpose. I don't care what it is, I just want one, but more than that, I need one. I did my best, I was polite, I did the right thing. Now all that remains is to see if all I gave was enough...

Debate a better world...

In life we sometimes come to a crossroad, where we have to choose a path. Left or right. For me that choice was one of the easiest things I ever had to do. It seemed so perfect at the time, while I knew the path would be rocky; I always thought that at the end of it all, I would find that something which could sustain me for a lifetime...

Yet this road feels never-ending. It's barred with countless vines with sharp thorns that rip away your flesh, leaving you to bleed until there's no more blood left to spill. It's full of brick walls that need a sledgehammer to break down. The people you meet along the way either present a distraction, a crush that makes you remember how human you still are, or they present a challenge, another wall you need to huff and puff to tear down.

I almost wish there was a way to go back, and rechoose my path. At times I can't shake the feeling that things would be easier, that I would be happier. But the more I think about it, the more the truth shines bright. There is no other place I'd rather be. There are no other people I'd rather fight and bicker with. This is the place where my life began; this is the place where it will eventually end...

Screw me into submission...

Culture shock...

So here I am again. Exactly where I want to be. Amid people that inspire me, encourage me and help me evolve into a person I can truly be proud of. Oh how I wish that could be true...

I found myself in a world which seems so familiar it's scary. Everyone is so very different yet at the same time we are able to come together as never before. I face one last challenge before it all ends. The really peculiar part is that I'm not nervous, I feel prepared, capable and above all I feel like this is finally my time to even out the playing field once and for all...

I only wish I had others to share this with. No one really understands, though some of them try, they cannot grasp what is at stake. I can't really blame them, not everyone chooses the path I did, not everyone has the strength or weakness, depending on how you look at it, to rise up and start working towards something, anything that can change your life in every way possible...

So here I am again. Exactly where I promised myself I would never be. Amid people that disgust me, that hate me and that make sure to tear me down every chance they get. Oh how I wish that wouldn't be true...

All the things I said, running through my head...

The more things change, the more they stay the same..

sometimes you get what you need...

Tudi čez tisoč let tu bom stal...

people always leave....

I walk a lonely road...

To get what you want, you have to sacrifice everything else in order to get it...

Pozabu sm kako se reče ne...

It has to get worse, before it can get better...

It's all just borrowed time...

dosti mene je ti, dosti tebe sem jaz, dosti mene še zdaj leti...

just a boulevard of broken dreams...

A new dawn...

I always took pride in my ability to build up walls to keep people out, to draw lines in the sand in order to protect the few fragments of my heart that weren't fractured during these past 18 years. I make sure I back down as soon as things take a wrong turn. I predict every single scenario in order to be one step ahead of everyone else. Yet in a thousand years I couldn't have forseen what's about to unfold...

I think I fell in love. I'm not really sure though. I'd forgotten how it feels. Yet this strange voice inside keeps haunting me. Her image keeps appearing in my head, my past decisions keep tearing me up. But as luck will have it, I'm probably too late. It's too wierd to do anything right now, seeing as how I'm about to depart for, what feels like a lifetime coming. Strangely I'm not surprised. A situation like this reeks of something that would happen to me. Once again I have a choice, one that is not really mine to make...

I can't expect her to wait for me. I'm no even sure she feels the same. She might, or I could just be fooling myself all over again. I've pushed her and everyone else away far too many times. There is no hope for redemption, no hope for forgiveness. All I have left is the thing I chose so long ago. Sadly enough, that's actually the last choice I truly made by myself...