Bold and fearless...

It's time to grow up. We need to take responsibility for what we have done. No more hiding, no more games, just the truth. I know it's hard. But if we do it together I'm sure we'll make it. Because for me, becoming an adult means realising that these ties that bind us to one another aren't a burden, they're a gift. We don't form them easily. Especially in this world, full of people who seem to care only about themselves. When was the last time you did something selfless, out of compasion, to simply help another person feel better about their life, about their gift, about the world they created?

It's time to jump. But I don't want to do it alone, not anymore. The bonds that connect us, will pull you down with me, so you can either break them or give in and jump with me and take that leap of faith. As we fall, we won't care what happens when we hit the bottom. All we'll be thinking about is how amazing it feels to finally be free of the past. It's time. I can feel it in my gut. Take my hand and on the count of three we jump. One... Two... Three...

Where you lead, I will follow...

I am inspired by many things. People, music, fiction, art, lust, love. Sometimes there's no way to stop it, I just have to pick up a pen and start writing. Most of the time, my works of "art" don't make sense, not even to me, but what I've come to realise is that it's not about creating something magical everytime you feel the need to shape your inner most thoughts into meaningless words, it's about the sheer act of allowing yourself to be inspired by the world around you, to let your guard down to the point where your surroundings can fill you up with an uncontrolable fire that enables you to reach out to people's souls...

Sometimes I wonder why I write. I mean everything has already been said a thousand times over. There is nothing more to add. Everything has already happened, everything has already been destroyed. It's all just borrowed time...

The last battle in the everlasting war will be won before it is even fought. It is a battle of ideas, of principals, of courage, of faith. We have been fighting in it since we were born. Only you and me are left standing. Each pointing a gun at the other. We look at each other and smile, we both know what lies ahead. We pull the trigger exactly at the same time, it's as if we're one single being. We collapse to the ground. The pain of our mortal wound lingers. Yet we laugh. We gaze upon each other for the last time and exhale our last breath. We did it, we changed the world...

The heavens tremble...

I did it it today. I let go. After all this time, she's gone. I didn't even see it coming, it just happened. I know I said it was over so many times before, but this time, it's different. Because before I hated her for what she did. She built me up only to tear me down. Yet today I woke up and I couldn't feel anything anymore. No more hatred, no more anger, nothing. And then I realised something; the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. I don't care anymore and I'm okay with that. Because for the first time in what feels like forever, I'm actually excited for what's to come...

The one thing I regret though, is all the people I lost during my healing period. Some of them I can never get back, some will never forgive me, most have moved on. But again strangely enough, I'm ok with that. It had to happen, we had to go through it, so we can be here now, standing tall and proud, looking back at what we achieved, at what we let go and most importantly who we gained. I would like to think I made a difference somewhere along the way, on someone, on anyone. It's what all of us really want, to feel like we're important to someone, that we're needed. It gives us power to move forward, to touch more lives in our own unique way...

To everyone who stood by me - you have my thanks, because without you I wouldn't have got over this. To those of you who brushed me off - you have my gratitude as well, because without you I wouldn't have seen who my real friends are. And lastly to those who I have hurt - I am sorry. You didn't deserve to go through that and I promise you all, I'll try my hardest for it to never happen again...

I'm on my mission...

I hear you call my name...

Sometimes all you can do is close your eyes, take a deep breath, and hope that you don't fall. I feel like I've been here before. I recognise the people, the situations, the subtle changes. I've been here before, I'm sure of it. It's exactly the same as it was, as it will probably always be. Saying things we regret, and regreting all the things we didn't say. The sad part is that I have no idea what to do next. I feel like I should have all the answers in the world, I mean if I really experienced this before I should know what to do, right?

I know who to turn to for guidance, but I'm afraid of what she might say. We haven't spoken in almost 4 years and we probably won't for a long time. The second we would, we would shift back into old rythems, the ones that destroyed us both. We jumped together, we fell together, I wonder if we'll rise together aswell. I'm almost there, just one thing left to do, the final test approaches. Have I changed enough?

I deserve a better ending this time. We all do. Even the ones that tore me down. But at the end, everyone must stand alone. I'm down on my knees when I hear your voice, it takes me everywhere, anywhere. We don't have a choice, faith will do it's job, it always does...

Once upon a time, I didn't give a damn...

Just don't give up, I'm working it out,

please don't give in, I won't let you down.

It messed me up, I need a second to breathe,

I just keep coming around.

Thanks for loving me,

because you're doing it perfectly,

so here we are, what do you want from me?

Swan song...

It's done. The journey has ended. And at the end of it all, I came out a winner, I came out on the other side and I'm right where I wanted to be. The world I created for myself, the people I met, the souls I destroyed, the isolation, the sacrifices, all of it suddenly makes sense. But you know what, when I was up there, getting exactly what I wished for, I realised something. I don't have to chose anymore between a life of meaning and a life of happiness. I decided I'm going to have both...

I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. But just you wait, I'll find a way, I always do. There's something out there for me, I can feel it. I've got this new sense of courage and stability. I'm ready to start my new journey, one that will undoubtedly be filled with things I can't even being to imagine. I have no idea what's waiting for me and for the first time that doesn't scare me, not even a bit...

My farewell was perfect. It felt like it did when I first started. But I guess that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm proud of what I acomplished, because I did it on my own and I was able to find myself somewhere amid all the craziness and superficiality. It's done and I couldn't be more glad that it is. Now I'm finally free and all I want to do is fly away...

Epic fail indeed...

It's funny isn't it? How we plan things to turn out a certain way, but then something happens and everything falls apart. All I wanted to do was get rid of the last bit of emotions I have for a girl I fell for, nearly 3 years ago. I wanted to destroy every single grip she might still have over me. I wanted to do that by doing what I do best - write. And so I did, I wrote from my heart, hoping it can cleanse me forever. The funny part? I didn't get rid of her, I got rid of someone who I have the upmost respect for, who I adore for having the strength of her own convictions, someone who I was beginning to fall in love with...

So here we are. Did you ever think we would end up here? So similar yet so very different. I profoundly care for you and I always will, even though you said a lot of things, I deserved all of them, you said exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you...

I know that going back is impossible and that this is something we'll remember for a long time. Well at least I will. I just hope you don't forget the favour I asked not so long ago. Because I really meant it. You are inspirational, you are unique and mark my words Desigual, one day the world will be under the spell of your magical words...

My final atonement...

Za to kar hočem povedat,

ne obstaja črk, ne stavkov,

ne rim, ne prekletih besed.

Vse kar obstaja je tvoj neskončn pogled.

Tist pogled k mi ga daš mal preden te stisnem k seb,

mal predn daš mi use, mal predn za trenutek pozabm

da moje duše ni več tle.

Vzela jo je kurba, navadna prasica,

k ni znala spregledat ene par mojih napak,

k ni znala vidit vse to kar sm zmožn postat.

kaj bi zdej rada? kaj me tok gledaš?

si jezna k vidiš do kje sm zmožn preplezat?

Kr njega glej, pa sebe,

kok sta oba še kr tam kjer sta bla,

mi ne sežeta do kolen, hah, kok sta mejhna oba.

Pa še vedno, čeprov sm daleč stran,

skos gledam nazaj, gledam za zvezdam,

gledam za vsem kar bi lahk blo, če bi le bil dost močn,

da bi laufa za tabo, k tist papagaj, se ga še spomneš?

Kdo je zdej zmagu, a? Kdo ma več?

Kdo je bolj srečn, kir bolj uspešn?

Jz mislm da ti, kr ko ležim tu na pojstli,

zadet od melanholije, razmišlam o teb,

o vsem kar si ustvarla, o vsem kar si mi vzela.

Katarza, sam to mi še ostane,

da najdem eno, ki sfukana je bolj od mene,

eno k se ne ustraš tko hit, eno k zna prečkat meje.

Če pa še to zajebem, kaj pol sploh še lahk?

Prepustim se dekadenci?

Pustim da ona zmaga?

Tak je že vzela vse, to je edino kar še mam,

rajš umrem,

preden dam še zadn košček svojga jaza stran...

The saints are coming...

5 years ago today I became an orphan. Not in the real sense of the word, but I lost my best friend, my mentor, my mother, my father, my idol all wrapped into one single glorious individual. Our bond was shattered instantly, without any warning and I've been trying to find a way to fill the void ever since. It hasn't been easy. At times I almost thought I'd come close. But as it always turned out, I was just chasing a dream that can never come true...

The day before yesterday, I broke. I cried in what seems like forever and I thought my tears were shed because the pressure and stress that is my life just came crashing down all at once. I blamed their false promises and vicious deeds, but now I know that my tears were in memory of Her and what she gave me and ironically took away. As I walked towards the graveyard of buried souls, I noticed something I never did before. Her pressence and her essence in the streets and all around me, were so spontaneously obvious as life itself. All I needed was the words to express it...

The thing about days like today, is that they never seem to end. They stretch on for countless days, months, years, as their melanholic breeze reminds us that even though we can pretend, even though we can forgive, even though we can move on, we never really forget...

It's over, before it even began...

Meet me halfway...

My senses tell me to stop...

Did anyone ever tell you that you're a really good person? We all have those special people in our life, who we confide in, with whom we go through better or worse, but do we actually ever stop and tell them how much they mean to us? It won't change anything, it's just nice to hear that someone cares, that someone accepts us despite all our faults...

I feel like everything is going to change in the next week or so. I have this lump in my throat and this uneasy feeling in my gut. Something big is going to go down. The game is going to change, new alliances will be formed, old ones will be broken. Amid the casualties we will find sweet sorrow of revenge. Who will stand beside you, when your enemies near? Who will be there to protect you when you've fallen to the ground? Who will be there to sacrifice themselves in order to save you? Who will love you even when you do the most atrocious thing imaginable? Do you see the images of those people in your head? Because those are the ones you need to call, right now, and tell them you care, you care about them and you care about the bond between you...

For me love is when you know somebody better than they know themselves and when you would do anything in the world to protect them. The hard part is letting go of the past because it's hard to know when to take the next step, but when the time is right you'll just know. It's a great feeling when you do, because everything in the world, even for just a moment, is just right...

Pull the trigger...

Because when I arrive,

I bring the fire,

I make you come alive,

I can take you higher.

So pray to god, to justify

the way you live a lie.

I wish I could be as cool as you

and I wish I could say the things you do.

But I can't and I won't live a lie

No baby I won't, not this time...

Wake me up when tomorrow ends...

I hate days when I know that by the end of them, something is going to change. And it can change in a really good way, or in a really screwed up way. There are so many things that need to be said, but the issue is that I'm not really sure how to express them, to say it is complicated would be a severe underestimation. But things go beyond interpersonal relationships. A lot bigger things are at stake. What happens when I stand up in front of everyone and prove them right? Why did I even get bundled up into all this? Shouldn't I have learned by now?

Say something, anything to make it better, to hold me back. I hate that I do this to myself. I hate that I do it to you. We deserve to feel better about ourselves, to be brave and confident. It's our turn to be happy. But I'm on a different path, one I've been desperately trying to get off, yet it drags me along everywhere it goes, I can't seem to shake it. I try, believe me, I do. But it's like this gravitational force is pulling me deeper inside the vortex of all the things I dread...

I'm full of surprises, there are things about me, you would never grasp as true. I'm thinking about pulling one more unexpected thing tomorrow. Everyone would see it, everyone would react. One more surprise, which can set me free. Once and for all...

Behind green eyes...

It seems just like yesterday that you were so inherently part of my life as I was of yours. We used to stand so tall. Together we faced countless obstacles while always having a smile on our face. We were unbreakable, nothing could go wrong. But the grim reaper had his way and with a single slash of his scythe, everything changed...

I need to tell you something, I know you won't be able to read it, but no one else can understand. You see, I have a problem. Sounds familiar, right? But this time it's different. Well... Sort of different. About a year ago I made a choice, more out of fear than desire. Today, I changed my mind, because I'm not afraid anymore. The thing is that it's probably too late. As time went by, I started feeling emotions I thought were tightly locked away. They started devouring my soul, until there was nothing left of me, except for what I pretend to be...

You would probably have a whole list of things I should do, but you left me to fend for myself. And to tell you the truth, I'm not doing so well. As always I'm making it seem a lot worse than it is, but you know me, I can't seem to appreciate the things I have. The funny part is that I never got the chance to know you. I mean, really know you. If only we had more time. I'll do my best to come out of this a winner, if that's even possible at this point. Thanks, you always know what to say...

I can't deny, I can't pretend...

I haven't spoken about you for quite some time now. You've been so consistent and understandable for the last couple of months. You were there and you did what you're suppose to do. You made sense, you did right by me. But when the moment of truth arrived, I didn't understand what was going on...

Where are you? What's going on? I didn't get what I wanted, I didn't get what I needed and I certainly didn't get what I wished for. And that's ok. It happened before, what's not right is that you didn't show me a way out, a door or even a window through which I could escape. Escape from the disappointment of knowing that I'll never truly break away, from my relentlessly agonizing past mistakes and from the dagger which keeps slicing away piece after piece...

It's over. But at least I can say I tried and only a few ever really do. I tried reaching for the stars. I made an effort to cleanse myself. But you know what, during the course of it all, during the journey to get where I am, I changed. I grew. And I can honestly say that I'm proud of myself, of the person I've become. Maybe not knowing where to go next is a good thing. Maybe I'll find something I would have never imagined. Maybe, just maybe, I'll find my way...