The time has come to face the music...

And I will turn off, and I will shut down,

burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground.

And I lie, not because I want to,

but because I seem to need to all the time.

So now I rush into the extreme,

to witness what I've already seen.

I confess to treason...

When I was younger, I had a lot more self control. If I was tempted I would run the other way. If I knew I couldn't handle it, I made sure I did as little damage as possible. I told the truth no matter what. It's how I was raised, it's what she always told me to do. But as I got older, I began to lie. About little things at first, which didn't really matter. Then it started to escalate. I used lies to get what I want, when I wanted it, and I wanted so many things. I didn't realise I was spiralling out of control until it was too late. I was no longer able to differentiate between the world I created and the world I was living in. So now I'm at a place where I don't think anymore. I just act, without contemplating the consequences of my actions. Now I lie, without even knowing it, without even knowing why.

I close my eyes and try to convince myself that this is where I want to be. I try to forget all the memories. I try to forget love, because as it seems, love has forgotten me. Pretty soon, I won't remember a thing. I shall be like a distant star, always there, but never really. As I say goodbye to all that once was, I stumble upon a piece I know I cannot get rid of. It's a promise, a pact I made long ago. And to whom it may concern, I would like to share the content of that promise. At the time, it felt so right and true. Now I realise how much harder it will be to uphold. It was nothing special, just a boy looking inward and vowing to never live the life they want for him, but to live the life he wanted for himself, even if that meant living alone.

Thus spoke Jenny Schecter...

Maybe this is all part of my flawed design...

A story of love, and lust, and loss...

Something struck me today. I think I've never been in love before, at least not really. As certain truths come to light, they illuminate the darkness of the past and reveal details which were burried deep inside my subconscious. I never actually loved, it was all an illusion I created for myself, for the people around me. And that realisation breaks me to bits. It destroys everything I once held dear. All the memories of heartache and lust seem so irrelevant. Every moment I thought had a profound impact on me, suddenly seems like just another test I was supposed to pass in order to get here. Some of my parts are screaming in contempt, while others are cheering what I'm about to do. A struggle I know well and dear. A battle I know I can never win. A war, which cannot be fought. I close my eyes and make a wish, for there is nothing else to do.

The book of love is long and boring, 

but I love it when you read to me, 

and you can read me anything. 

The book of love has music in it,

and I love it when you sing to me,

and you can sing me anything. 

It's full of flowers and heart shapped boxes, 

and things we're all too young to know. 

I love it when you give me things,

and you ought to give me wedding rings.

The king of spades...

I've never really belonged anywhere. I've always been the outcast. It doesn't matter how much I try, it doesn't matter how many times I try to redefine myself - I'm always the one looking in, instead of being in. I think that's why I'm taking this risk now. It doesn't have so much to do with how I feel, it has more to do with my desire to be a part of something. A group of people who embrace my every quirk, every quality and most of all, people who accept that I am flawed and love me despite of, or maybe even because of my imperfections. I have failed, as I knew I would. But with failure comes crystallisation. I'm supposed to be doing something different. I need to figure out what that is, before I lose myself again. I can't go back to that place. I never want to be that person again. Yet the more I run from who I was, the more I'm becoming who I don't want to be.

I inhale the fiery breeze, and as I walk closer to the flames, she appears by my side. A fleeting image of what once was and everything that was sacrificed to get here. She smiles, because she knows she won. I too, find the irony hysterical, so amid the blazing scorch, a wave of laughter fills the void. Like old friends, we hold each other as we walk towards the core and await the final lie. A single tear drops down my cheek  A tear of joy, sorrow and everything in between. "There was so much more, I wanted to do," I think to myself. In that very moment I fall to the ground with as many regrets as the stars in the sky. Life, it seems, has passed me by.

Hoping and wishing, wishing and hoping...

It's still a little hard to say what's going on.

I step a little closer each day.

I guess it's not hard to fall,

when you float like a cannonball.

When you know that you just don't know,

it's not hard to grow.

And I don't want to lose myself,

because it's not hard to fall,

when you float like a cannonball.

I am greater than the sum of my parts...

I've decided not to waste my time anymore. Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's not worth my effort. There are too many mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be one of them. Maybe that's just me being a dreamer again, but this is something I'm really sure about. I might have to wait a little while longer, heck a lot longer, but at least when it comes I'll know it's the real deal. I'm fine staying where I am, I've gotten used to it. First, I need to make sure I'm worth having, so then I'll be the one choosing. And you can be sure that I'll choose someone who loves me without fear, trusts me without questioning, needs me without demanding, wants me without restrictions and accepts me without change.

This whole journey won't end well. I'm sure of that now, yet strangely I'm also content. This is how it's supposed to be. I was never determined to have an easy life. I've always just prayed for the strength to endure a hard one. And I think I'll be needing all the prayers I can get, because it's going to be one hell of a ride from now on. Everything before this was simple. The bigger picture was always clear and sustainable. Now, I can barely see in front of me and even when I'm able to, everything around me just seems so fragile. Destruction is coming, and I realise now it's been a long time coming. This is when I'm truly put the test. This is when the people in my life are put to the test. I wonder how we'll all fare...

Courage will teach me how to fly...

Jz ne morm več v temi živet,

jz bi hodil na soncu, jz bi hotu njega met.

Predn svoj obraz v solze potopim,

rad bi videl, da še ti greš z mano,

skupi boma vidla, ka pomen adrenalin.

Vsaki duši, ki me gleda v oči,

povem na glas, da nism to kar se zdi.

Končno mi je nehal trest kosti.

Life taught me to die...

I've boarded a train, and I don't know where it's heading. And as exciting and thrilling as it is, I don't think I've ever been so afraid. Everything is happening so fast, and it's too late to stop it. I just have to keep ridding the wave, and hoping I fall on my feet. I had expected too much, like I always do. But this time it feels more personal, it hurts more, because it is such an inherent part of me. That will be my downfall I think, just like everytime before. The demons which tempt me are growing stronger and I'm losing all the power I once held. My life is no longer my own and there's nothing I can do about it. I've put myself out there, and if nothing else, at least it will make a good story.

"It's not hard to fall, when you float like a cannon," she said as he gazed into her eyes. She always knew what to say and when to not say anything. Until the sun completely sank into the ocean, they sat there in utter silence. They both realised, at the exact same moment that this was something they'll remember for the rest of their lives. It was not love or lust or romance, it was friendship. The kind that awakens the heart and warms the soul. The kind of friendship which surpasses reason and understanding. They were connected, imperviously and forever. Somehow they suspected it wasn't by chance. No, something so profound could only be triggered by one thing - fate.

Put your hands up to the sound...

Life is only worth a damn, because it's short. It's designed to be consumed, used, spent, lived and felt. We're supposed to fill it with every mistake and miracle we can manage, and then we're supposed to let go. All the hardest, and coldest people were once soft as water, and that's the tragedy of living. The essence of life is not being perfect, impressing people, or succeeding at everything. I think the core of it all is making mistakes, and then learning from them. It's about surrouding yourself with people that love you for being as fucked up as they are. So when the day comes, when your life flashes before your eyes, make sure it's worth watching.

You came crawling in my mind yesterday. It came out of nowhere really. I've moved on to so many better things, as I'm sure you did as well. But still I found myself wondering how you're doing, what you're doing and who you're doing it with. And I wondered why we were friends in the first place and why we aren't anymore. Why did we make the choices we did? There had to be a purpose, right? Parting was a turning point in my life, perhaps it was even in yours. For awhile we were almost the same person. Maybe I asked for too much, maybe you gave to little. I've long given up on finding the answer, but at times like yesterday I find myself wondering; will we ever meet again?

I've noticed that people get stuck in moments. I've done so on many occasions. Our hearts break, and they don't seem to mend. Life seems a disappointment and nothing we do can make it better. I'm far from fixed, but I've come a long way. When I accepted that if I want to get the life I want, I first have to accept the life I have, everything felt easier. Like a giant boulder was lifted from my shoulders. Someone once told me that life is war, and if nothing else, I never stop fighting. Through storms, and hurricanes, and whatever else the universe might throw at me, I battle on. Can you say the same?

I'm married to the game...

Try again, fail better.


Things are starting to make sense. They seem to be falling in place once again, and as always I am uncertain where they'll lead me. An adventure like any other, one I'm bound to never forget. As I imagine the people I'll meet, I can't help but wonder if my time has finally come. The timing seems perfect, almost too perfect. I try hard to not build it up too much in my head, but I guess I can't shed my skin. I dream bigger than ever before and even though experience has taught me otherwise, I hope and I wish and I fantasise. Each world I create is grander than the last, and each one further from reality. The board and all the players have been set in place, the horn has blown and the flag was raised - I dash forward, as if it is my first and last time I'll ever get to play the game.

It's been a ride. I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one. When I say I'll do something, I do it. And all those who would look down on me, I'm tearing down their balcony. I don't give a damn what you think, I'm doing this for me. Fuck the whole universe, because I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid to take a stand, to tell the truth. I may be alone, but I know I'm not the first to walk this road. I'm way too far to back down now, and I need to exorcise these demons. So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage. I'm getting up, I'm standing up, so I can come back a brand new me, one you'll be proud to see.

Feel me tonight as never before...

I toss and turn day and night.

I keep thinking about this game we play.

I try to run but I'm not that fast.

I started first, but I'm about to finish last.

Let me be the love that comes from the sun,

let me be your rainbow rising up.

Every single ray will shine on, shine on, shine on.

The summer for repairing broken things...

Tell me baby, are you wet?

If it doesn't hurt, you're not doing it right...

The worst kind of pain, is the one you know you can't heal from. The worst kind of wound is the one you know shall never mend. The worst kind of love, is the one you know you'll never have.

Mal predn se predam,
vedno znova reši me.
Tist občutek bolečine,
tist občutek agonije,
tist občutek depresije,
k spoznam, da to, je vse kar je.


Žalostno, ampak je resnica.
Čeprov sanjam o drugem svetu,
o drugačnem obrazu in o drugačnem razpletu,
se zavedam, res se že, da to, je vse kar je.


Še zadnič pustim mislim prosto pot,
vedno mi pobegnejo prek meje.
K pridejo nazaj, me ubijejo z obljubo,
da to mogoče res, ni vse kar bo.
Da obstaja še upanje za take k sm jz,
za takšne k sanjajo brez meje.
To kar je, ni to kar še bo. 
Spremembe prihajajo,
tako ali drugače, tako ali tako.
Zato zatisnem oči in se prepustim morju.
To kar je, ne sme bit, to kar bo.

And so he jumped down the rabbit hole...

I did something. And I know you don't agree. But you will, soon. I've always liked drama, and I just wanted this whole process to be special. I was surprised though. Your reaction caught me off guard and I found myself degressing back into old patterns. It's not that I'm disappointed, because I'm really not. It's just that when I pictured myself doing this, I always expected someone to be by my side. I need someone to hold my hand as I step beyond the doors of deceit. I don't know where I'm going, I just know how I want to get there. Maybe I am meant to go through this alone. I'm sure as hell used to it. Maybe I just need to be patient a little longer. Maybe the one, is right around the corner.

I have a theory. Every time we make an important choice, the part we leave behind continues to live the other life we could have had. Now I wonder, what happens when you lose control? When the future has to start, when past wounds have yet to heal. I think I just need to keep moving. I think that's all I can do. Just keep smiling and living. Because for all I know, I may be the only thing keeping somebody from stopping. If I stop moving, what's to keep them from stopping too? We need to stick together, for this world was build to tear us apart. We have to try, even if time might rip us to shreds.

Turning over a new leaf...

You were right. There really isn't anything I can say. I wish I could. I wish I could somehow make this easier for you, because in the back of my mind I think it's my fault. I'm the one who pushed you, I'm the one who planted this idea in your head, and so I'm just as responsible. I'm sorry, I really am. I hope you don't punish me forever. I was just so sure you'd get it. I can't even express how sure I was. But I guess it goes to show how little I know about this world. Good things don't always happen to good people, and try as you might, some things just aren't meant to go your way. I hope you don't lose faith, because even after everything I still believe in you.

But at least now, you know what you want. As for me, I still have no idea. I wish on every star in the sky for answers to my questions, for something to put faith in, for someone to hold. I have absolutely no control over myself, and that scares me like hell. Still stuck in this place between the past and the future, wishing I was miles away. It feels like I'm so far from home, so far from everything I know and love. The uncertainty just tears me to bits. I wonder how many people don't end up with the life they want, but with the life they're supposed to have. I wonder that a lot. But mostly I wonder where do I go from here. Which path should I take? The exact burning desires I had not so long ago, the same ones I still don't know how to achieve...