So much for my happy ending...

He is no longer who he once was, and yet who he's meant to be. So he remains somewhere in transition, floating through the mist of everything he destroyed. He tried to convince himself it wasn't true, that there's still time, but he can no longer deny that there truly is no going back. They can never forgive what he's done, and he can never forget the words which were thrown at him when he left. As teers creep into his eyes he takes a deep breath, and tries to imagine a world where everything is resolved and the future no longer seems so grim. For a split second he sees himself on that beach from long ago, he sees Her, and he can hear Her voice. The waves shatter the illusion and he is instantly transported back to his reality. There is but one single tear pouring down his cheek.

Days like today remind me how far I've come, what I've given up to get here, and how much I still need to gain. I've made many mistakes, most of which I can never repent for, and I feel as if there's nothing I can do to make them see how hard I'm trying to keep it together, to not fall apart, to not prove them right. I never wanted to push us this far, yet here we are, and there's little any of us can do to repair the damage that's been done. We're just too different, too unique. So tonight I drown myself in the new friends I've met, and in the substances I've always held dear. It won't solve anything, I know, but tonight isn't about fixing my problems, it's about trying to forget them. 

Our soundtrack starts, the scene begins...

Daleč, daleč, daleč stran.

Daleč beton in tobogan.

Like the moon and the stars, we shine on...

As I helped you carry your bags to the train station, and as we waved goodbye, knowing full well this is the last time we gaze upon each other, I felt a slight shift again, a shiver down my spine, and somehow I knew the next few chapters will be laced with what I learned from the life you lead. People walk in and out of it, yet still we endure, still we stand, taller and stronger than ever. Perhaps it is these bonds we form, ones we realise are destined to unravel. They touch us in ways nothing else can. They're fleeting, and heartache is a given, that's why their impact can knock you off your feet, much like life. It moves forward and so do we. Never the same, but always more genuinely who we truly are. 

It's so easy to walk in and out of my life...

Your fingertips across my skin,

the trees swaying in the wind.

You sang me lullabies,

with that sweetest sadness in your eyes,

what a clever trick.

We walked a crowded street,

you took my hand and danced with me.

And when I left, we didn't even say goodbye,

now I'm haunted by these images.

The boy that you turned down...

I'm not sure why, but I was thinking about you today, thinking about you a lot. I went back to all the times we laughed and made each other think of a world different from what we knew. The thing is, I don't feel sad when I conjure the thought of us within my mind. All I feel is inspiration. Inspiration for the road I have yet to walk, and the journey I already took to get here. Because for me, it was never so much about us being together, but always about how I was changing in the process. And boy did I change. Not only thanks to you, but more so, thanks to everybody else who left before. For all of you taught me that I have to search for people who don't love me in spite of my flaws, but because of them.

I inhale the green vapours unlike ever before and I silently gaze at the words I written what feels a like a lifetime ago. I try to invision myself at that time, what I was feeling, and everything I was not. Surprisingly it was clear as dawn, and what frightened me the most, is that years from then, I still feel the same. Time has passed me by, it seems, and I am left here to rot underneath emotions that should have been resolved by now. Here I sit, barely conscious, yet somehow strangely awake. There is no tomorrow, and yesterday is in a mist of smoke. So now, at long last, we all learn what it means to really live.

My increasingly poor decisions...

What I've found recently is that your life doesn't change just because you want it to, and more importantly, it doesn't change if you move thousands of miles away from everything, and everyone you hold dear. Change takes commitment, it takes strength, and above all it takes courage. Because more often than none, you're not really sure who or what you're becoming, and trusting the universe to guide you has never been easy. As I sit here and ponder what's yet to come, I am stricken with the realisation that if I really want to change, than I shall have to be bolder in my execution and more insane with my wishes. Perhaps then, I shall finally fit in.

This road is long, but I carry on...

As overwhelming as the last month has been, today at long last, I saw rays of light breaching through the darkness. They impaled it without hesitation or restraint and before I even knew it, I could see the sun. Nothing significant happened, I think I just allowed myself to look past the tiny imperfections and examine my life as a whole. Circumstances are starting to unfold and what I once thought was an interwoven set of poor decisions, now seem an insignificant glimpse of the journey I'm travelling. And while the future is still uncertain, I know that if nothing else, I am at least finally becoming the person I was always meant to be.

Once you have tasted flight, you shall forever walk this earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. Once your wings have sprout and felt the breeze of freefall, nothing will ever satisfy their hunger for freedom again. Once you have touched the sky and tasted the sweet flavour of the clouds, you will never settle for anything less. A curse and burden few dare to bear. Yet those of us who do, find solace in the fact that one day, perhaps even one day soon, we shall fly again.

Swinging in the backyard, whistling my name...

It's you, it's you, it's all for you.

We were born to die...

Don't make me sad, 

don't make me cry,

sometimes life is not enough,

and the road gets tough,
and I don't know why, 

but you keep making my laugh,

so lets get high,

and take a walk on the wild side.

Choose your last words,

this is the last time,

because you and I, we were born to die.

They say the world was built for two...

It's not that anything is wrong, it's just that, as I'm sure you know by now, I'm impatient as hell. I want to sprint through the experience and get to the peek of the mountain, even though I realise the climb is what makes it all worth it. This is the part of the story that's most important to live, yet hardest to write. I've always dreaded it, yet every single time, in hindsight of course, it's been the chapter I would most love to repeat. The settling in, the discomfort with ones self, the agony of adjusting to a completely new existence, you can't really describe those feelings, you just have to trust yourself enough to endure them. It will pass, and we shall laugh at the memories of a time when nothing felt right, yet everything sort of was.

I walk through these empty and foreign streets, and I wonder, is it by mistake or design? My heart breaks with every step I take, because each one takes me further from home. Sometimes life is just not enough and the road gets tough. So we get high and try to carry on. We take a stroll on the wild side, in the pouring rain, like we're insane. We are blind, and we hope that one day we shall see again. Until then, we gaze into each other's eyes and choose our words carefully. This is our last time, because baby, you and I, we were born to die.

I've learned the meaning of the sun...

My deepest fear is not that I am inadequate. My deepest fear is that I am powerful without measure. It is my light, not my darkness that scares me the most. I ask myself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented? But then again, who am I not to be? I tell myself the path I have chosen, is just a test for a future that is yet to unfold. A dream I have yet to conjure. Some shine like a candle, others burn like the sun, and as I feel molting wax dripping down my body, I think I finally understand how growing up and taking a step towards an existence no one believes in but you, sometimes means letting go. Nothing could ever prepare me for how hard it actually is. Your heart breaks and it keeps on breaking. But whatever might happen, whatever obstacle I might stumble upon, I never let them see me cry.

He opens his mouth, but words don't come out...

Sometimes the urge to curl up in a fetal position and lie in bed all day is just too much to ignore, so we find an excuse, anything really, and we do it. Because the realisation that you just might be in over your head can no longer be denied. It's hard to admit, but they were perhaps right, but I'd like to think it's way to early to tell. For this journey has just begun, and the current of my life has yet to lead me astray. If not here, then tell me, for hell's sake just tell me, where?

There comes a time when the world goes quiet and all you can hear is your heart, so you'd better learn the sound of it, all it's quirks and leaks, otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying. And the danger of that is you may one day wake up somewhere you don't recognise, you don't really want to be. But alas, that is how things go, and living has never really been about making the right choices, but maneuvering yourself through all the bad ones. So if this is our last goodbye, know that you have given me more to live for than you shall ever know. 

Wrong in all the right ways...

Just enjoy the show...

As he laid waste to the final pieces of all that once was, there was but a single tear in his eye. Not because of regret, but because of fear that he might never build something meaningful again. Exhausted from all the destruction, he stood in the middle of the rubble and imagined all that may one day be. He pictured the people he'll meet, and the friends he'll make, and the enemies he will not, and for a split second, a smile conjured on his face. For even amongst the smoke and dust, he can find a ray of light that shines hope, it shines potential.

Sometimes you just need to give yourself time to take it all in. You don't want to be comforted or understood. You just want to reflect on all that has been, all the pain left behind. You want time to analyse and pull yourself together again. Time to realise that all you ever wanted is now just a fading memory. Time to let go, and start again. Yet if anything, I've always been impatient. But that's the thing about the present, it demands to be lived, to be felt. As my heart is about to pop, I inhale unlike ever before, and remind myself that the universe itself has led me here, exactly where I'm supposed to be. 

You turned me out, and now I can't turn back...

I'm broke but I'm happy,

I'm poor but I'm kind,

I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby.

What it all comes down to,

is that everything is gonna be fine, fine, fine,

because I've got one hand in my pocket,

and the other is flicking a ciggarete. 

I'm sad but I'm laughing,

I'm brave but I'm chickenshit

I'm sick but I'm pretty baby.

And what it all boils down to,

is that I haven't got it figured out just yet,

but I've got one hand in my pocket,

and the other is giving a peace sign.

My life belongs to the other side...

It's a strange sensation, thrusting yourself into a destiny void of any certainty. One second you're going about your normal life, then you're suddenly standing at a train station in an unknown country, thinking about everything you left behind. Friends, family, a whole existence you were used to living, and now it's just gone. The exhilarating part about everything, is that I'm not sad about it, and I don't lose sleep thinking if I made the right choice. Because I've realised that in times when I find myself wondering what could have been, all I need to do is listen to my heart, which always, without question or doubt, screams the truth - freefall has never felt more ... right.

Dreaming is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It is for the those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a future that might never come. It is for those who have the patience to wait for events to unwind and don't rush into the fold. It's for those strong enough to endure rejection and for those who have the willpower to overcome the most dreadful of fears. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it enough. It's for the reckless and the young at heart. It's for those who stand up even when everything falls apart.