Wake me up when it's all over...

Time is standing still. I have yet to move on, and the future has yet to arrive. I am anxious and impatient. Curious and scared. Barely being able to catch my breath and constantly gasping for air. I guess you never really get used to the feeling of utter disbelief. I truly think I deserved another chance, that we deserved another shot, and I hope you wake up one day and realise it. Does that make me a bad person? Either way, it is time to take a bow and say farewell. Farewell to the moments spent embraced in each other's arms, and farewell to the potential I still believe exists. My plans have been thwarted. The story of my life has taken an unpredictable turn - one I cannot rewrite or change. I wasn't good enough, and now I'm starting to believe that I never will be. There has not been a time when felt a bigger sense of failure than I do at this very moment. But even saying all of this, even as hopeless and numb as I am right now, I will try again tomorrow, and I will not fail like I have before. I will fail better.

Out on the corner in the pouring rain...

I'm the captain of a sinking ship...

Was a long and dark December,

from the rooftops I remember,

there was snow, white snow.

Clearly I remember,

from the windows they were watching,

while we froze down below.

I took my love down to Violet hill,

there we sat in the snow,

all that time you were silent still,

if you love me,

won't you let me go?

Echoes start as a cross in you...

As he tries with all his might to let go, it is painfully clear that his love is vengeance that's never free, and his dreams are too vast to ever come true. The boy who promised to reach the stars, shot for the moon and somewhere mid-flight started falling to the ground. His wings are too weak to plummet back to the sky, for he hasn't grown enough, he isn't wiser. Rock bottom feels seconds away, but even as he's about to hit the surface, the sparkle in his eyes remains. It's there, though smaller than it's ever been, it's shining through. And while he might not fly, he may at least float to safety. Then, in the warm embrace of the clouds, he shall rebuild, he will take the time to heal, and his wings may sprout once more and slowly morph into ones more angelic than the world has had the opportunity to see. The boy who survived against all odds now faces even slimmer chances and the dreams he dreams are here to stay - until the sun forever sinks in the ocean, until the sky turns pitch black, until the very end.

The cycle repeated...

A morda, nekoč pa le.

My conflicted colours...

In order to move on

you must understand why you felt what you did

and why you no longer need to feel it.

Time passes, and I move further away from the disappointment of days gone by. I form new bonds, make bigger mistakes, and succeed in ways I never did before, yet the ghosts of who we were and who we had the potential to be, haunt me still. I am torn between completely shutting down or rising above the occasion. I can feel myself slipping away, needing only a shove to revert back to old patterns. I try to hold it together though. Before I fall asleep I whisper words that saved me long ago, hoping their power will shed the darkness as I awake. I am caught in a burning war and I'm waiting for something, anything really, to extinguish the fire. I'm not afraid to get burnt, I'm just terrified of suffocating from the smoke and demons that light the flames. I have survived worse, I know, but I can't figure out why this, this of all things, seems to have cut deeper than I could have ever predicted.

I really don't think there's any worse sensation than feeling like you're stuck. I was so sure I was finally on my way, but it seems I wasn't worth enough to be given a second chance, to be loved despite of my shortcomings. The fact that both extremes failed me, that I failed both of them, leaves me with little options. I've never been one for middle ground and as it is now clearly evident, I am meant to march this journey alone. Never lonely, yet always quietly hoping for company. But that's why I have this, that's why I have all of you. In union we grow, we learn, we comfort each other and we make sure that even when everything crumbles to the ground, there are helping hands digging us out from the gutter. This time shall pass, as yesterday has passed, and as this very moment is passing right now. We will get through this. We will get through it together.

I'll be bold as well as strong...

As he pushes himself to the extremes, and as surging pain rushes through his body, it is clear another metamorphosis is upon him. He has shed the mistakes of yesterday, and suddenly, without warning, a different person is staring at him in the mirror. He does not live for today. He lives for the future - for the man he'll one day become. It may be far away, and he knows he'll never get these moments back, so all he can hope for, is that the view from the top will be worth it. Opportunities slip by, old friendships fade away and while he is never alone, he is surely always burdened by the present, which so loudly demands to be lived. He will remember these times as those that changed him the most - the moments he will either rise to the occasion or land beneath the rubble. Come ruin or rupture, come hell or destruction, he is as ready as he'll ever be, and as foolish as he'll never be again. 

Silence seizes a cluttered room...

Echoes start as a cross in you,

trembling voices that came too soon.

Never said it was good,

never said it was near,

shadow rises and you are here.

And then you cut;

you cut it off

and everything 

goes back to the beginning.

Everything goes back to the beginning...

I'd like to believe that at my core I am good. I may be loud and obnoxious and judgemental, but when push comes to shove, I have always done the right thing. Now as I lie with a broken smile, mostly for the fact that I'm supposedly a bad person, I can't help but feel sad. I have tried so hard over the years to grow into my higher self, to become the best I can possibly be, yet it is now painfully evident that I still have miles to go.

You might not have been what he imagined, but he fell in love with you, and you were his first serious try. And failing himself, and failing you, fills him with an endless void of torment, even though he knows he shall survive this as well. He will take the time to heal, to become better, to transcend into the next phase of his journey. The tears streaming down his cheeks mean it was real. That what he felt was true. He is as far in, as he'll ever be out, and while it didn't kill him, it surely made him stronger. The memories remain, and up until their breaking point, they are covered in a blissful shroud of youthful ignorance and obscured reality - one spawned by true love and naive ideals. One that brought fire into his soul and awakened his heart. One he shall always remember, and forever hope, that you will as well.

Rainbows and butterflies...

The boy with a broken smile...

Both feet on the ground, I'm burning it down...

And all I ever loved, I loved alone.

Loneliness is his incurable affliction. It is his human condition, so he cultivates it. The way it tunnels into him allows his soul to mend. He does not expect to outgrow it or to find people who will understand or someone to fill that space. Instead he will strive to be an intelligent, sensitive person, the very great example. He realises that he cannot find comfort in others, and that the best he'll ever do, is to understand himself. He knows what he wants, and how he wants to get it. He will not let the cattle stand in his way, nor will he stumble for more than a second after each defeat. He is the common denominator, the only exception and his one true love all in one, and while it's a curse, it is also a blessing - one he gladly carries and forever dreads.

Don't forget me, I beg...

There's still one thing I can't seem to figure out about myself. What exactly is it about me that people find it so easy to walk in and out of my life? What is it about me that people find so simple to lose, live without and take for granted? I know I should have gotten used to it by now, yet each passing blow is more painful than the one before. I don't think I can handle it any more. It feels like too much to bear. Tell me, won't you, won't you please? If you had the chance, would you leave me all again?

No matter how frightened and discouraged I may become about the future, no matter how many tears I might shed, and how many times I might curse the cards I've been dealt - I look forward to the journey ahead. In spite of everything, or maybe because of it, I see beauty all around me every day. In the smallest of corners and in the strangest of people. Somehow I have this shaky assurance that everything will turn out fine. I have no idea at all, not a clue in the slightest, yet I have so much faith. This kind of hope is not easy to hold onto to. It is for the bold, for the reckless, for those willing to dream even when the whole world is telling them not to. It is for the young at heart and adventurous in mind. It is for those who find meaning in these words, and for those who stick by their beliefs no matter what. I have failed in almost everything I've ever set my mind to, and I am sure I shall fail again tomorrow. But when your dreams become more important than your pride, there isn't an obstacle in the world that would slow you down. I may take days to lick my wounds, but when the time comes, you can be sure that I'll pull through.

Heaven doesn't seem so far away...

Nobody said it was easy,

it's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

no one ever said it would be this hard,

can you take me back to the start?

But tell me you love me,

come back and haunt me,

as we fall apart.

Running in circles, chasing our tails,

coming back as we are.

Singing for the people like us...

Just a misfit living in a world on fire.

It seems that even though I've grown more than I ever imagined, there are still so many things I cannot grasp. And as I'm trying to make sense of the world around me, the people in it, and those who left - I see that I am as I've always been. I need not even say it, for the truth is clear enough. But this time I refuse to break down. While letting go of you has changed me for sure, I won't let it define me. I am more than the people who abandoned me. I am more than all of you who left, and I am more than who I am today, and who I'll be tomorrow. It's funny. Even after everything I still believe in my happy ending. Though my version of it is far from ideal, it is mine, and mine alone. I talk about my dreams, and I dream them with so much conviction that sometimes I scare myself. What would I be willing to do? How far would I go? And most importantly, how much would I throw away, to rise above the surface?

Keeping my head up...