Nothing is built to last...

He takes his jagged soul into his hands and decides to take it apart. He starts with the small pieces, the ones visible to the naked eye, those he can mold easily into stronger connecting fragments. As the exterior begins to take the shape he envisioned, he digs deeper, past the superficial and focuses solely on the demons that he has fought for what seems like an eternity. The battle takes its toll. Blood is spilled and the world trembles as death incarnate sweeps through his heart. When he finally lays down his arms, and as the dust settles, he realises, he is standing in a rubble of destruction and chaos. These parts are harder to rebuild - there is no true guideline or a set of rules on how he should proceed. Fear envelops him, and a shroud of insecurity looms above. Can he really change where it matters? Can he become a better person? A better friend, lover, son and brother? Can he learn to let go and truly save himself? The architecture has been laid out, and the construction is well under way, now all he needs is time and faith that all of this, is not in vain.

This is not a story with a happy ending. It's not one filled with magic or miracles. This is not a fairytale nor a bedtime lesson. It's not something you can learn from or even find meaning in. This is not something that can tell you anything about me. It's not my diary and this is not my life. Everything you read here is simply the ramblings of someone who finds solace in the words he writes, because so many other things don't make sense. This is not a cry for help, and it does not beg your attention or kindness. The fact that you are reading this means nothing. We are not connected and we are not friends because of it. The streams of my mind that are spilled here are for me. This story is mine to tell how I see fit, and for the first time since I started this thing that is not a blog, I secretly wish I never did. Too much has been given, too much revealed, and too little kept to myself. I am no longer free, because everything about me is up to unravel if you so desire. I have conceded my every thought, every emotion, every horrible thing I have ever done, and in return, I was given a void of silence that echoes through my heart and implodes my chest. I have given you all that I have and more, yet here stand, once again, looking for answers where there are none, and trying to change the trajectory of a path I should have accepted long ago.

We accept the love we think we deserve...

Do you know what's worth fighting for,

when it's not worth dying for?

Does it take your breath away,

and you feel yourself suffocating?

My faith walks on broken glass,

and the hangover does not pass,

I guess nothing is meant to last.

It's time to live and let die,

because I can't get another try,

something inside this heart has died,

so I lay down my arms, and give up the fight.

I'm tangled up in you...

The roads we have to walk are winding...

I can't remember a time when so many things were happening all at once. As a new wave of people come into my life, I find myself re-examining those who left before. The memories of our time shared together seemed to have somehow changed, or maybe I just understand them differently. I soar to new heights, and I allow myself to make more mistakes - to more profoundly live the life I have been given, instead of dreading the cards I have been dealt. Things will work out and I shall once again shine like the brightest stars and diamonds. All I need, all I've ever needed is the grace to let circumstances unfold in due time and the wisdom to know when the weave of my destiny has fabricated its final stream of stitches. I am here to stay, of that you can be sure, and in a strange way, I sing this lullaby because of you. All of you are my wonderwall, and while I should have let go by now, I think I'll always remain the boy who endlessly looks behind his shoulder, dreaming of the life he could have had - could have had with you.

Leave it all behind...

Frozen smiles chase love away...

Dear feelings going wild in my insides; please calm yourselves. Slow down the tempest that fuels your fire, and let me breathe. Try to compress yourself until you are nothing more than a string, then wrap yourself into a tiny ball and stow yourself away till I'm ready to understand you - to unravel you, to decimate every knot and every loose ray of fabric. I ask you to be patient, for I have always needed time, and have always held my promises. I will not forget you exist, I merely need space and distance from recent developments to make sure I still have the strength to stand, the serenity to let go, and the courage to fly without having wings. I shall come back for you, and when I do, I will finally understand why I failed, and if I truly failed at all. Memories shall be clearer, with a distinct aura of rationality and without the encumbrance of guilt or anger. We will dance again, dear feelings, of that you can be sure, yet as of now, the greatest feeling is to not feel anything, not anything at all. 

I think it's going to rain today...

Ena od tisoč zvezd mi bo prav,

nosil bom njeno ime.

Sometimes life is not enough. Sometimes we need to let go of everything that binds us to our seemingly static existence, and let loose the demons within. Then, when we're surrounded by a cloud of memories so thick you can't even move, you can finally see things for what they were, not what you wanted them to be. There are some stories that are not mine to tell, because I have yet to truly live them. And while I write these words knowing that they cannot truly change anything, I find solace in the fact that if nothing else, at least you got to know me, the real me. The person so far from everything you've ever imagined, yet somehow the closest you've ever been to finding meaning in the meaningless.

I want to know you. Each and every one of you. I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, and why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through. I want to know the first time you felt the weight of hate, and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you think anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? I'm curious to know all the ways you've been unkind, the moments when you were cruel. I want to grasp these things, because I want to see who's on the other side. I want to experience your lives, the way you get to be engulfed in mine. I want us to be more than voices that echo across the world, and sometimes, against all odds, touch and intertwine. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I want to meet you. Each and every single one. 

Reaching for an unreachable star...

Tame my flesh and fix my eyes...

And I came home,

like a stone,

and I fell heavy in your arms.

These days of darkness,

which we've known,

will blow away with this new sun.

So break my step and relent,

You forgave, but I won't forget.

What we've seen,

now in some way, shake the excess,

because I will wait, 

I will wait for you.

We almost had it all...

Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing its trajectory. You decide to go a different way, a completely unexpected route, but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Then suddenly you find yourself in an endless game of cat and mouse, forever being tormented by the sandy tornado, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why, you ponder. Why doesn't it leave you alone? Once you take a deep breath and take one more, the answer is clear and simple. This storm isn't something that blew in from far away or something that has nothing to do with you. This storm, this manifestation of nature which destroys everything in its wake, that forces people to abandon you, to leave you for better things, for better friends, lovers, family - this storm ... is you. 

My broken wings...

Dreaming in colour...

This feels like the end of one era, and the beginning of something else. Scary and exciting. So now what? I may never write on pieces of paper again, or on any canvas for that matter. Change - got to love it. I will continue to tell stories, to move people by being moved. Just that from now on I may be holding a different pencil. Maybe it won't be as sparkly and maybe it won't be shared with the rest of the world. Maybe it will be so quiet and delicate that only dogs can hear it whistle. But it will be my mark on the wall. I was here, I still am, and I want to be seen, to be understood deeply, and to not be so very lonely. 

I'm always in owe of how the universe orchestrates circumstances to remind me that no matter how far I go, I can't outrun my past. How is it possible that I'm thinking exactly the same thoughts as I did on this very day years ago? How is it that I've morphed beyond anything I ever imagined I could be, and still have to deal with the heartache which started this whole journey? How did it came to be that I still haven't forgiven myself for what happened and how in the world am I still here? Tell me. I beg you, because I don't think I've ever been so desperate for answers. I know I have to keep pushing on, and in reality, it's not that hard if you take it step by step - sometimes I just wish I could leap beyond this phase, this constant struggle to define oneself, to find that one thing which can make you whole. But there are no short-cuts, no easy solutions and surely no simple answers. My hallelujah screams as loud as thunder shakes my heart, and even though I've long given up on predicting the outcome of this story, know that even after everything, I'll never stop trying.

Some things just aren't meant to be...

I was thinking of you today. I was thinking of you a lot. I was wondering where you were at the exact moment I gazed towards the sun. I wondered what you were doing, and who you were doing it with. It's strange how certain people can wash away from your everyday, yet the vacancy they left in your heart remains forever. It seems a millennia ago since we were discovering life with a curiosity that can only be sprung by young and naive hearts. I truly hope you're living the life of your dreams, and that if like me, you now and then remember the road we walked together, you smile. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes I miss you, and I can't help but question if perhaps our destinies are supposed to intertwine once more. Time will tell, but until then, here's to our path overcome, the laughs we shared and the fleeting love that was never ours to have. Here's to you having a great life.

Once in a lullaby...

High above the chimney tops...

Hours turn into days, and days turn into weeks, and it feels as if I'm living a completely different life than I did just months ago. I guess when I decided to change, I wasn't ready for everything to change so quickly and so ... profoundly. I don't even think half of you would recognise me anymore. It's funny what heartache can push you to do - how it can propel the sleeping soul, and awaken dreams which were long forgotten. While this process of being rebuilt seems endless, I see my future self. I see a boy who jumps off edges into blistering cold water, just to see if he can. I see a boy who takes chances, and grows as an individual with each mistake he allows himself to make. You'd be surprised how much you can achieve when you set your mind to it. There's no such thing as impossible, and who you were, does not dictate who you are, and who you want to become. It's staggering how I always come to all these conclusions when my insides are torn asunder - when it's already too late to alter the trajectory of my journey. I figure the best I can do, the best anyone can do, is learn from these times, and let go of your insecurities, of the injustices inflicted upon you, and move on as stronger as you've ever been, and as brave as you'll never be again.

You take his hand, and you brush it against yours. You look deep into his eyes and you somehow see yourself. It may have started as lust, yet both of you feel it morphing into something deeper or perhaps the illusion of your fiery chemistry overshadows rational judgement. He is scared, because his story was not supposed to unfold this way. He was supposed to stay with the one he chose right from the start, but life got in the way, and now everything that's being written feels like freefall. They might land on a soft wasteland of grass or they might plummet into a gorge of thundering spikes. Who has more to lose? Who has further to fall? As always before, the words you read are but of someone who needs answers to questions he's afraid to ask, and keeps asking questions without any real meaning at all. So he remains stuck between two truths, being torn apart by his obsession to live the greatest story of all, the greatest story ever told.

Give me love like never before...

The dawn is breaking,

a light is shining through,

you're barely waking,

and I'm tangled up in you.

Even the best fall down sometimes,

even the wrong words seem to rhyme,

out of the doubt that fills my mind,

I somehow find, 

you and I collide.