You're going to miss me when I'm gone...

I've got my ticket for the long way round,

two bottles of whiskey for the way,

and I sure would love some sweet company,

and I'm leaving tomorrow,

what do you say?

Like a bird through the night...

The web that we weave...

From nothing to something,

from liking to loving.

There are days like this one when things simply work out. I just need to learn to have the patience to let them. That has been my biggest flaw so far. I want things now and I want them the way I imagined - but as I've come to obviously realize - life doesn't work that way. Solemnly do we get the things we want, and even more rarely so when we want them. It's all a game of pretend; who cares more, who has more to lose, more to gain. Loving you has been one of the most profound milestones of my life, for now I can truly say that I've experienced it, even though I might lose it tomorrow. As long as I do my best to calm the tempest that rages through my insides, I think I could make it. For the first time I feel like I am destined to have it all. A great love standing beside me as I live the life of my dreams. Your hand in mine, as we fly towards the moon, and gaze at the stars.

I'm nowhere to be found...

Sometimes I feel like the journey I walk is just delusion and pain, as if it were completely imaginary. It goes from life to death, and everything in between is conjured by our mind - the people, the cities, the emotions. It's like a novel or a fictitious narrative that anyone can imagine, all you need to do is close your eyes. It is in such a world that I strive to become something of worth. Something you cannot pass on the streets. Something that is not invisible, but shines too brightly to be ignored. That is why I write, that is why I continue to make this my home, even though practically no one is listening. I do so because I have nothing else, because this is the one single thing keeping me from giving up entirely. There is no love great enough. No friendship deep enough. No dream big enough. Everything falls short in comparison to you, to us, to seemingly meaningless words that do not leave the compounds of these walls. Nothing can come close to it, because of the simple fact that this is mine, and mine alone. Something I created, and something I nourish despite life. Despite death. Despite failure. I stay because of me, the true Karr, the one only you can see. 

Tomorrow doesn't exist...

You might be the best thing he ever loved, and you might just love him more profoundly than anyone before, but as life rushes forward and the present collapses into the future, he finds it increasingly difficult to balance who he was, who he is, and who he wants to be. The odds are slimmer than they were and he is changing too rapidly to keep track. He jumps, he flies, he falls, he gets up, and then repeats the cycle as if it were the only way of living he knew. Perhaps he is wrong about you, and this union shall crumble quicker than he can imagine, more intensely than he can bare. Maybe the wish he made so long ago is still taking its time to come to fruition, and all this is, is merely another step, another wall to climb to reach the next plane of existence - one uniquely shaped, and utterly different than the one before - one meant to destroy what was, and force him to reshape, once again, once more.

Feel my tears as they dry...

I'm holding on for dear life,

won't look down,

won't open my eyes.

Holding on for dear life,

just holding on for tonight.

Glazed eyes, empty heart...

Four walls are not enough...

I find it increasingly difficult to distinguish between signs the universe throws my way, so I ponder if they're even signs at all? I guess my frivolous attempt to understand everything and everyone at every single turn, made me see connections where there really aren't any. I convince myself there's matter behind the madness, and that despite evidence, there is a watchful eye glooming above me. Perhaps the biggest secret of them all, is that there is no secret, no hidden meanings, no truths to uncover - simply a life given, just so that it can be taken away.

Can you hear me? Do you understand what I'm here to say? Do you even care? As silent spectators you cast judgement where there is none to be had, and none even expected. As a ball recoiling from the wall, and back again, I keep coming here, to my impenetrable fortress of loneliness. I keep writing despite not truly writing anything. I'm not even sure if I'm a writer anymore, or for that matter, if I ever was. Words fall on deaf ears, and if no one can find meaning in them, then it's as if I sang a requiem to the dead souls walking across the narrow boulevard of broken hearts. I am nothing without you, without your approval, without your acceptance, without your understanding. I am a shadow, following anyone who would be willing to listen, who could wait a moment and try to unravel my thoughts, my inner most demons, my graceless fears. I am you.

Take my hunger, lie within...

My happy little pill...

How is it that I am surrounded by so many people, so many friends, so much love, yet I still find myself sitting alone, being lonely, and imagining a world where I am not? This curse should have been lifted by now. I should be miles ahead of who I was, and not let my inner demons destroy every relationship that sustains me. I have no idea how I ended up back here, how I can't recognise the person in the mirror anymore and how the dreams I've dreamt have somehow washed away. Everything I have seems to be slipping through my fingers - just like once upon a time, just like every time. As the common denominator I can't help but wonder if this shall always remain my reality? Having it all, just to throw it all away, just to get it back, just to endlessly destroy it again and again? As scared as ever, and as distraught like never before I try to get through the day with a smile on my face, hiding the fact that I have lost you. I have lost you exactly as I knew I would, exactly as she said I should.

Letting it play out...

Forever is just a series of nows.

As I maneuver between the life I have been given and the life I have always wanted to live, to breath, to make my own, I once again find myself re-examining the people walking beside me - the role they play, the joy they bring, the sorrows they vanish, and strangely enough, I am quite possibly exactly where I've forever been, where I have laid dormant since the beginning of this journey - at the precipice of change. What awaits are impossible choices, some I shall probably regret, others I will welcome with open arms. It seems the universe holds no understanding for pause, and simply rushes through, propelling you forward if you want to or not. As I brace for impact I wonder if perhaps all my dread has been for nothing? If there is certainty in her words, and if at long last, the boy who jumped, will fly?

Napoleon hill...

This time tomorrow...

So there now my friend, 

you're in the deep end,

just hanging on to hope

by a loose thread.

Well it's never good

to try and play pretend

But maybe what's broken,

can start to shine again.

Scared to look within...

You will disappoint me - that is an unavoidable fact. You shall do so because I set impossible standards, for in truth your only real purpose is to cause pain; which in turn serves as fuel for my rebirth. You are a means to an end, at least that's what I tell myself, because the alternative is far more frightening. I couldn't really love you, could I? And more importantly, you couldn't truly love me, could you? Even though the emotions that rush through my veins are unlike those before, and in the absence of you suspense controls my mind, this couldn't be it, the true love everyone talks about, right? Surely you are just another soul to haunt me as I navigate the boulevard of broken hearts, and taunt me as I give in to hope that despite everything which has transpired, despite who I always thought I'd be, perhaps there is still a chance that I might be the boy who loves as vigorously as the stars worship the sky. Life has never felt more dense, and each passing moment is a reminder that time is running out. 

Pull me up onto dry land...

V meni je takšna žalost in ne vem, zakaj.

As sinking sand envelops my entire body, and I start drowning in an endless stream of improbable and inconceivable dreams, the world starts shaking beneath my feet. Why have we been given this life? Why exactly now, why not some other time, some other place, some other universe? I ponder the reasons I am me and you are you, and if there is any force in this world that might allow us to change places, even if for just a fraction of a fraction of a second. Not because I would crave a different existence, but solely for the fact that I wish to understand. I wish to understand you, so that I may become a better me. I want to see the world as you see it. I want to experience how you feel raindrops on your face, scorching sun on your fingers and wind blowing through your hair. I want to see how you see me, how you see yourself, how you see the things I don't, the places I never will. I guess I want to be you, just to figure out if I'd be happier, if I'd be able to let go.

He shall die as will all of you. As will the man who greets him in the morning, as will the child crossing the street, as will the birds waking him from uneasy slumber. That is what he is here to explore. We are all hurtling towards death, yet here we are for the moment, a brief instant in time, alive, knowing that most of our time is spent being dead or not yet born. We stand tall, above all else and contrary to all evidence, as sentient beings, who realise they shall perish, yet each one of us secretly believing we won't. That somehow we are the exception to the rule, the one single person who can change the dogma of mortality, and will defy every single law in order to prove that he is indeed special. And as the end is built into the beginning, he acknowledges that you have been a part of him since forever. He breathes your names in every exhalation and you, all of you, are his belief that somehow, against all odds, he will make it. 

As I lay dying...