I wonder if she's gone to stay...

Don't nobody need you...

I had a dream yesterday. I appeared in an empty hallway with broken windows. There was a pale dead moon in the sky streaked with grey and I had this strange feeling it was going to rain. There was someone at the end of the hallway, I couldn't recognise her, so I started walking towards her. The longer I walked the further she seemed to be...

At one point I was running and then suddenly I found myself surrounded by scarecrows and strangely enough they were dressed, they had these wierd outfits only my dreams could come up with. They all started laughing, with this cold shivering smile. It was almost like they were trying to scare me away. When I looked over I saw the moon again. As I gazed upon its alluring cascade, I saw Her face. Exactly the one She has on the picture in my room, only this time she said something. I'm not really sure what, something about repeating my mistakes, it didn't really make sense at the time...

The inspirational moment was disturbed by the scarecrows, but this time they weren't so friendly. They started pecking away at me, I remember feeling this uneasy pain. Right as I fell to the ground, the girl at the end of the hallway stood right next to me. This time I saw her face and what I saw, who I saw, made no sense and all the sense in the world at the same time. I saw her face, and when I reached out to grab her hand, I woke up. I wonder what it all meant...

Don't nobody want you...

Life is precious, or so I've heard. I know now that everything that has happened was just me running away. It was like a shadow, a reflection in the mirror, a look which was so immensely shallow that it stroke right through my body into my heart. Maybe it's good that you're gone, that you showed your true colours. Maybe it was meant for you to silence me and strip away all I was willing to give...

We've come a long way, haven't we? You and me - we can move mountains. All I want to do is look through your eyes and see the world you live in. I want to gasp every breath you take. Me and my dreams, huh? I really don't know what I would do without them. All that is not enough I guess. The funny thing is that it never was. I always think it is, but I'm proven wrong time after time...

Life is precious, it truly is, yet we only see it, when we are able to share it with someone else. The hard part is finding that someone, anyone who is willing to come along for the ride. I've wondered this for quite some time now. If two people are meant for each other, is the ride suppose to be easy or hard? Are you suppose to fight for what you want or does it come naturally? Is it filled with drama or is it without burden? I don't know and I have a feeling that you don't either, but then again that's why I have this thing that is not a blog, so maybe one day, I can find out...

Believe like there's no tomorrow...

Did you ever meet one of those people, who have the ability to not only profoundly impact the lives of others, but they can go so far, as to steal little bits of people's inner self. You may even be one of them without even realising it. Nobody can recognise it, you either have it or you don't. We usually find out when it's too late, when they have already eaten away at our core. They're thiefs of the most dangerous kind, they take away something that can never be returned - our soul...

She was... She took something from me. She took little pieces of me, little pieces over time, so small I didn't even notice. She wanted me to be something I wasn't and I made myself into what she wanted. One day I was me and then suddenly I was lying for her, jeopardizing my future until I wasn't me anymore. But even then, I would have stayed with her, I really would have. I lost myself for a long time and now that I'm finally me again... I'm scared...

What if another soulstealer comes along? Out of nowhere, like last time. You'd think I had nothing more to give, but they find something, they always do. But you know what? I don't care anymore, I'm done being afraid, I'm done feeling like I have no control. If I'm meant to be ripped apart then so be it. I'm ready for anything, stronger than ever. So to all you soulstealers out there: your move...

You and me, we create infinity...

Nič ni narobe če verjameš, a?

Jaz verjamem v tebe, v sebe,

v popolnost, ki jo ustvarjaš,

v tvoj prekleti svet.

Nič ni narobe če verjameš, a?

Prepričala si druge,

prepričala si mene,

vse kar še ostane,

da prepričaš samo sebe...

Glorious bastard...

All of us struggle through something. A broken heart, shattered dreams, the first cut. But you'd be surprised what people can live with. We can do the most atrocious deed, yet we somehow manage to find a way to recover, to forgive ourselves and continue on the path we set on. We can live with a lot of things, but there's one thing almost no one can handle - murder...

I'm not talking about the homicide where you take someone's life. I'm talking about the one where you take someone's soul, their heart and you grind it into dust. We don't do it on purpose. Well we usually don't. It just sort of happens. We find each other in what seems like a perfect situation, then something changes, we change, they change. It doesn't have to be a big change, just enough to send you over the edge. If you ask me, breaking someone's heart hurts a lot more than you yourself getting broken into pieces. Knowing that you destroyed someone, that you took a way a fragment of their very essence, is something I simply cannot bear...

I don't hurt people on purpose. At least I like to think I don't. But when I inevitably do, I try my best to make amends. Asking for forgiveness is hard, but sometimes that's all we have left - a sorrow mind and a corrupted body, which cry out those dreadful words: I am sorry...

Blah blah blah...

For whom the wind blows...

It's a lot harder than they tell you. Everyone wants to sugar coat it, make it seem like it's really not so bad. But as we go through certain things in our life, we slowly start to realise that the lack of warnings we were given, are oddly suspicious. I mean someone was bound to be aware of all the perils that we face, right? I doubt I'm the first one who has to endure all this, yet I wonder why no one ever gave me a heads up on what to expect...

Maybe the point of it all is to experience it on your own, to make your own decisions based on your judgement and not of those around you. But if that were the case then it all basically doesn't make any sense, because if we're not here to pass on the wisdom and knowledge of today, to those who come tomorrow, then we have failed as a society. We're composed of egoistic individuals who give no food for thought of others and I profoundly believe that I am one of those people...

Am I ashamed of that? I know I should be, but I'm not. I'm actually kind of proud of it, in some weird and twisted way. I guess I don't know what's right, yet if nothing else I am honest. Honest about who I am and what I want. Right... Even I didn't believe that...

Between enemy lines...

I want to be better at this. At relationships, at love and all that crap. I want to have more courage, the strength of my own convictions. I want to be able to say I love you again and I want to be able to express my feelings without being afraid. I want a lot of things. But as luck would have it, those are the things, I'll probably never have...

Tomorrow I'm going to do something for myself, something that will hopefully make me feel a tiny bit better. It surely won't put all my issues to rest, but it might be a step in the right direction. I'm not sure really what to expect. Some grand catharsis, an inner cleansing that would wash away all the pains of yesterday and bring forth an era of stability and perhaps even happiness. As always I have high hopes for what's to come. Sadly enough, my gut tells me that I'll be disappointed as ever before, left with only memories of what I didn't say and hopes for all the things I should...

I need someone to take a chance on me. Someone who knows what they're getting into and is willing to help me through all this. It won't be easy. That I guarantee. Will it be worth it in the end? Most likely not. Will I be grateful? I'm not entirely sure. Will it change me? Most definitetly. Will it change you? It already did...

Say those three magic words...

I'm not a compressive person. I don't put my feet up, I don't sit still. Whatever the game is, I love to win and once I do, I find a new game. I push myself, it doesn't matter how much I achieve. There's always a new goal, a new set of values I strive for. There's always a new dream worth pursuing, there's always another mountain. It always was, except for now...

I want to pick up the phone and call. I want to tell you that I know I've been a jerk, but now I want to make things right. I want a clean break and I want it with you. You took me by surprise last time, I wasn't ready yet. You can count on me now, you really can. Just... say something...

Did you never notice how they always only take pictures of climbers on top of summits? They're all so extatic, triumphant. They don't take pictures along the way, because who wants to remember the whole agonizing journey to the top? I push myself because I have to, not because I like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of getting to the next level, no one takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember it. We just want to remember the view from the top. The breath taking moment at the edge of the world. That's what keeps me climbing and it's worth the pain. It's worth the sacrifice, it's worth everything, it's worth anything...

Beauty is a curse...

I don't have a lot of things going for me. I mean, the occasional ego trip I get from using my gift is usually enough to get me through the day. But when I'm bound to my bed, because of an unforseen illness, I can't shed my overanalitical nature, and chaos as we know it ensues. I fight with the image staring back at me, I start looking for ways to mold myself into something more... More than I am, more than I'll ever be...

I find ways to do it. You can be sure of that. There are always resources out there, which you can use to make yourself feel better, ever if for just a second. I mean everything we do is temporary. Nothing really sticks, at least not in ways that truly matter. I can't believe I'm so superficial. The funny part is that I might actually go through with it. Who would have thought that the mighty Karr can so easily succumb to societal norms and values of how we should alter ourselves in order to be percieved as individuals, who supposedly have some imaginary worth. I am weak. I always knew that about myself, but I try to use that weakness in order to get what I think I want...

She would be so furious with me right now. I can just imagine all the things she would say. She wouldn't cut me any slack and rightly so. Yet even she wouldn't understand. I have to do something. If I don't do it now, I might lose my shot. Most people have a hard time going after what they want. I have the opposite problem. I have all the strength in the world to pursue my dreams, if only I knew what the hell they were...

Stop the world...

Phoenix fire...

Nekaj je v tebi kar sem vedno rad imel,

a ostalo je samo, navidezno.

In tja grem sam.

Dim starih slik,

nosi bolečino svetlih dni.

In kje si ti?

Tam te vidim spet,

kako mu tečeš v objem...

Karr Karr, bang bang...

I am a detail oriented person. Even something as minor as a breeze can put me off if I'm not prepared for it. I like statistics and check lists and following protocol. I enjoy following the steps. But as much as I love relying on a plan, every now and then I overlook something, I forget to calculate all the anomalies and when that happens all hell breaks lose...

Did you ever walk into a room full of people and you knew that every single one of them is judging you? Whispering and thinking all sorts of diabolical things they can use to hurt you. I'm not sure I want to go through that again. I can choose, can't I? That's what life is suppose to be about, making your own choices, choosing your own path, not blindly following the demands placed upon you. Yes, I have a choice, the only question is, if I'm strong enough to make it...

It's the accidents that turn out to be the most interesting parts of our day, of our life. The people we never expected to show up, the turn of events we would have never chosen for ourselves. All of a sudden you find yourself somewhere you never imagined you could be and it's either nice or it takes some getting used to. Still you know you'll find yourself appreciating it down the line. So I go to sleep each night, thinking about tomorrow. Going over my plans. Making my lists and checking them twice, hoping I predicted everything, so I can avoid the fear and suffering that come with the unknown...

A devastating flashback...

There's no going back after this. I didn't think it would happen so soon, yet I'm about to make a choice, or more precisely I'm about to give the impression that I'm making a choice, which will most probably seal my fate. I always believed I had more time to figure things out, to fully fix myself, so I can proceed with confidence and pride. I guess I'll have to make things up as I go, because I'm not about to let this opportunity slip by...

Everybody is afraid of something, right? Heights, tight spaces, public speaking. Those are things you get over. But then there's the other kind. Will I fit in? Will I be safe? Will they like me? Should I just go for it? Those are fears you never really get past, so sometimes all you can do is take a deep breath and hope for the best. Things don't always work out, but you got to love it when they do...

I'm making a mistake, right? By all means, stop me! Tell me this isn't the life for me. Tell me I'm wrong, that I've been wrong all along. Tell me something, anything that can make this easier. Damn I'm weak. Pitiful. A disgrace. Maybe I am all of that, but you know what? So are you, the difference is that I am determined to make it work, because I realise that it's now or never...

Full speed ahead...

It's all starting to become too much. I know this is what I asked for, well sort of asked for, but I never wanted things to get so public. Don't get me wrong, I want everyone to know. To know of what I acomplished, to know that I was better than all of them. Yet there comes a point where the constant exposure simply morphs into this web of constant attention, which I can't seem to enjoy. I guess I'm afraid of how they'll perceive me after all is said and done. It's sad that I still care so much about what they think of me, of what she thinks of me...

People will think what they want to think. The damage has been done. I just wish there was a way for them to get a glimpse of what I truly represent, at least that way when someone hates me, they hate the real me, not some construed public image I unwillingly created. I hate myself for caring so much. I hate them even more for making me care. All in all, the situation is pretty screwed up...

What lies ahead is uncertain. The possibilites are endless, even more so than usual. But for the first time, the fact that everything is undecided, doesn't scare me, it excites me. All I know is that I have to be strong for what is to come...