I'm only half a man inside...

In zdaj hočem rešit svet,

lepo po pameti ventil zapret.

A v soju tiste bele sence,

pozabu sm, kako se reče ne.

Ker mi vznemirjaš fantazijo,

ker plavaš tam, kjer jaz lovim,

ker dobro mešat znaš sokove,

kjer me zalivaš, tam cvetim.

Some of his chords...

And so it goes as never before. Tomorrow the curtains fall and the dam will finally shatter. For too long have the vast and unruly waters of my soul been trapped within this meaningless facade. For too long has my spirit been warded by lesser beings. No longer shall I succumb to their expectations, while my inner self is refused freedom. It has been a long time coming, and none of you really understand how long it's actually been. I know. I know for sure, and I've always known. But because I chose a different journey, I decided to keep it hidden. I was afraid someone could use the truth against me. But now, the truth can no longer be contained. It roars, and hungers for life. My life. I am merely a vessel, I realise that now. It's not about me or my story. It's about the truth living through me, by me, in me. It's about this entity far beyond my reach, one I can only sense, but never see. It's about infinity.

I've made it a habbit to walk in the morally grey. To push boundries of right and wrong, and not think of my choices as inherently good or bad. I've always been a master at it, and I was able to rationalise just about anything. I need you to know, how sorry I am. Not because I supposedly stole, or because I reluctantly went behind your back. Mostly I'm sorry because I disappointed you. I was supposed to be more, I was supposed to be better. But as it seems, I am the worst kind. I manipulate, I cheat, I lie, I play the game. It's how I've always been, it's how I've always thought I should be. Now for the first time in my life, I started questioning myself. For the first time, I actually give a damn about someone else than me.

All that I can see, is just another lemon tree...

Is it wrong? Is it right?

It doesn't matter if I come home tonight.

It's so easy, I only have to go inside.

Now I'm lost in all these storms...

There were very few moments in my life, when I knew with absolute certainty, with no doubts in my mind, with a clear and rational head that the universe was giving me the finger. Today is one of those days. I can't even blame it on chance or a malfunction. The message was so obvious, so subtle, so straightforward. I've actually been laughing about it, because it's so genious in a way. Something like this cannot be produced by human thought or action. It's too grand, too complex, too fucked up. The only thing is, I'm not sure I deserved it this time. I followed the rules, I played the game, I put myself out there, literally as far as I could go. There must have been something I missed though, there has to be, because I've never been so close to the light. I can almost touch it. Almost.

I wish I didn't make so many plans in my head. I promised myself countless times before that I'm going to stop, but I guess it's a habit I can't shake. It wouldn't be such a problem, if some of them came true once in a while. It's because I build everything up so much in my mind, reality always keeps disappointing me. I fear who I might become if I continue down this path, I fear what I might lose. One day at a time, she reminded me constantly. I just wish some days weren't so hard to get by. As I prepare myself for yet another battle, as I lick my wounds and cover my scars, I remember everything she taught me and everything I learned over the last couple of years. And while many things are uncertain, one thing still remains true. I am a fighter, who's too stubborn to give up.

It's such a beautiful thing to fall...

I'm not even sad this time. I'm not upset, hurt or angry. I'm honestly just tired, exhausted actually. I'm tired of putting myself out there and not getting anything in return. Just once I wanted to be the one who gets to sit back and enjoy the ride. I'm tired of being constantly disappointed. I just wish something would work out for once. I still hope though. I hope that someday it will...

Spet še eden tistih trenutkov,
spet še eden tistih dni,
k se je težko pretvarjat,
da to, je vse kar more bit.                                                                                                                             -
Sm probu, sm skoču,
pa nism dubu kril.
Zdej padam v neskončnost,
do tam, kjer morm prit.                                                                                                                                        -
Utaplam se v depresiji,
si rišem masko čez oči.
Sam da me ne vidjo,
kok že skoraj več me ni.                                                                                                                                        -
Pogledam jo v obraz,
spet se norce dela,
spet se mi smeji.
Deva napačne mi napotke,
usmerja v nasprotne me smeri.
Jz pa slepo jo poslušam,
jz pa gluho ji sledim.
Skoz pa upam, da ve kaj dela,
da za vsem tem sranje plan stoji.

Taking a chance and holding my breath...

I'm taking my time, and I'm trusting in me.

As my life life goes by, I hope I find infinity.

I'm going to lose my mind tonight,

the excitement is just too much to bear.

Wish I could just freak out,

but I know it's so on right now.

I was always meant for do or die...

I'm going to trust again. I think it's time to sprout my wings once more. Because of you I never strayed too far from home and I found it hard to connect with anyone around me. That part of me is gone, or better yet, I'm doing everything in my power to suppress it. It's a curious thing, going against your nature. You have to fight like hell just to keep standing. Every step seems impossible to take and with each one you fade away a little more. I need to open my heart to someone - completely and without limitations. I need to love with no regrets and no doubts. I need to take a risk, and do what it takes, until I touch the moon. But most of all, I need to find someone who would be willing to do the same for me.

If you're going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know who you're falling in love with. You're falling in love with my countless insecurites, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my keen ability to overreact and take almost anything out of context. You're falling in love with my troubled past, and my dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. You're falling in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me. But you're also falling in love with the way I'll smile and look at you when we're together. The way I'll kiss you good morning after a long night of making love. You're falling in love with all the humorous and thought provoking things I sometimes say, and the way I blush when people ask about you. But the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking it could never happen.

Wracking my brain, until I find another way...

It took me some time to realise,

but today I figured out a remedy,

all I have to do is defy gravity.

Never a failure, always a lesson...

I want to believe again. Believe in the power of art and imagination. In the magic of writing and creation. In the mystery of love and the everlooming pressence of a higher power. I want to believe that I have made the right choices and that I'm on the right path, despite of all the mistakes I've made. I want to reclaim that piece of me, which I lost somewhere between where I was and where I am. I've watched the shattered glass of my soul for far too long. I need to start picking up the broken snippets and build a new me, a greater me. The times I have tried to do so, and failed, are too numerous to recall, and I think I finally know why. It is because I wish to become more than the whole of my parts.

I've found that for me, the two hardest things in life are having the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage to accept that sometimes I've waited for nothing. But it's the time in between I find most heartrenching. The time when you don't yet know if you've failed or if you just stumbled upon the greatest thing in your life. So as I find myself giving a remarkably convincing portrayal of a boy embarking on a very long journey, with no regard for the consequences, I can't help but feel as if I had forgotten something. Something important. It's on the tip of my mind, but I cannot for the life of me, figure out what it is. A tiny shard of glass was left behind, and as I lay here, contemplating all that is yet to come, I hope with every fiber of my being that it wasn't the one, which gives me the strength to dream.

If I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame...

When I said goodbye and let you walk away, I promised myself that I'd laugh at all the memories of the times we spent together, but here I am without a smile in sight. I promised myself that after a few months I would call you, just to see how you were doing, but here I stand without even the courage to dial your number. I promised myself I would let you go gracefully, but here I am hating myself for letting you leave. I promised myself I would trust and love again, but it seems you've done more damage than I realised. I've stumbled upon people who are so much better, so much more loving, but there's still this tiny bit of doubt inside me, one you've planted with your deceit, one that prevents me from sleeping at night. When it was over I promised myself I would move forward, but here I am, unable to take a single step. What if they leave me as well?

I always believed that there is this one single person for everyone. This one perfect somebody who completes you in every way. And when you meet, the rest of the world magically fades away, and then we live the rest of our lives in this bubble, forever united. But the thing is, there is no bubble, there are no soul mates. Because life is more than a series of moments. We can make choices, and we can meet countless people who can help shape our memories. Too long has she been making a fool out of me. I know her now, I know how she plays the game, and I'm not scared of her anymore. Because now that I think about it, who the hell is fate to stop me, who the hell is fate to give me pause?

This one's for all my underdogs...

I am flawed. 

You have no idea how great it feels to admit that. I've chosen to let go of all the bullshit, and pain and insecurities of yesterday, and just embrace the life I have today. It's far from perfect, it's far from what I want it to be, but it is mine, and mine alone. Fuck the people who can't seem to see all I can offer. Fuck those who'll never get to experience me at my best, just because they judge me at my worst. Fuck those who would deny me the chance to show them a world they could otherwise never witness. Fuck all my doubts and fears, they'll never triumph over my dreams. But most of all, fuck the haters. They might always be louder than us, but they'll never be as profound. In truth, we're so much more than them, and they know it too. That's why they put us down, because they're afraid. One day, we'll be so far beyond their reach, we won't even remember all these failures. So as I raise my glass, and think about everything I've yet to do, I urge you all to do the same. Together, we are unstoppable.

Nothing new, still on my own...

Alone again, I understand,

that it's all my fault what's done,

what's left behind.

I keep the faith, and I still believe

that all my mistakes were not so big at all.

So here I stand to save the day,

but no one cares.

Sadness lies right inside my eyes,

but I still carry on.

Sorry for party rocking...

When push comes to shove...

I'm not sure why I came here. I know there must be a reason, there always is. This time I just find it difficult to identify. I didn't meet anyone, I didn't learn anything, and I certainly didn't accomplish what I wanted to. This has never happened before. Never once have I not been able to find the purpose for what I was doing. Maybe I'm looking too hard, maybe it's something more simple this time. So I sit and wait and wonder; does an angel contemplate my fate?

I think it's time to call it quits. I've been trying to spread out, and write where I might reach a few more people. It isn't going the way I wanted. I'm starting to think this is one of those dreams again, one that's just not going to come true. I've had my fair share of those, I don't know why I thought this would be the one exception. I'm not sure how to leave it all behind. I hate disappointing people, even those I don't really know. But most of all, I'm worried this is a loss I won't be able to overcome. I admit, some things are meant to get broken, I just wish this wasn't one of them.

I need a new plan, a new goal. Winging it isn't working for my anymore. I need to be doing something more, something better. I think I need to get on a boat and set sail. I need to have faith and the strength to keep wishing, and dreaming and working towards something. This defeat is something I need to survive, even though it feels like it hurts so much more than everything I've experienced. Maybe this is what I was supposed to accept during this voyage. I tried again, and I failed better, I failed unlike anything before. But life won't break me, I won't let it. Wherever it might take me, at least she won't forsake me. And I'll be loving angels instead.

Halfway back home...

I have this dream about taking this thing I'm doing here, and just breaking away. I may stay here, just for the hell of trying. I picture myself standing infront of the gate to the airport, and then suddenly I stop. I stand there for hours, watching one plane after the other fly away. I wouldn't say anything to anyone, I would just vanish. No one would ever know, no one would ever suspect. I wonder how I would fare, I wonder how far I could make it. Even after all these years I'm still involved in the process of self discovery. I think it's better to explore life, and make mistakes than to play it safe. I think mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.

Distance has widened and new things have grown in place. Nothing is really forgotten, but at this point it's fluid. It's taken me long to encourage myself to stop wishing for a return or a sincere apology, to just let go and hold the hand that's here. Do you know the most surprising thing about heartache? It doesn't actually kill you, but like a bullet to the heart, it should. When someone you've promised to cherish forever, suddenly lets you go, it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know.

The city that Care Forgot...

It's kind of a funny story. Everything is unfolding exactly how I thought it would and nothing like it. She's doing this on purpose, I know she is. But the more I look around, the more I realise that I've been here before. I've met these people in the past, and whatever happens in the next few weeks, shall just be a repeat of what already was. I'm sure this is a test. I'm supposed to react different this time. I'm supposed to do something differently, I'm supposed to be someone different. Yet I don't quite know if I have the resolve to see it through. I understand what must be done, and what must be avoided. Why then can't I shake this little voice inside my head that keeps whispering the dreadful truth? Why then can't I pull the trigger and let loose the demons that bind me to this prison? Why then can't I for once, just simply be myself?