We always knew...

If you care to stay, you and me, could hide away. Do we dare? We'll soon forget that there's any other place, that there are any other people in the world. Just us, in our little corner. Like we've always dreamt, but never had the courage to do. In another time and place it might have been different. But thinking along those lines is pointless now, because we don't care anymore, do we?

The mist starts to form as we stand close to one another. It is a distant fog that rises from the horizon, and I find that I grow fearful as it approaches. It slowly creeps in, enveloping the world around us, fencing us in as if to prevent escape. Like a rowling cloud, it blankets everything, closing, until there is nothing left but the two of us. And when we're finally alone, we wish it could last forever. We both know it won't. Yet still we let ourselves hope even though reality has proven us wrong too many times to count...

It is important to me, that you know who I was, who I am, and who I plan to be. The past is unrecognisable, even for me. The present keeps changing so quicky, I barely have time to live it. And the future is like it always was. A sea of unimaginable circumstances and twists, making sure not a single day in our life is boring. Tonight, we share a sweet embrace for all the moments we can never get back...

Here's my key philosophy...

The places I go are never there...

Only you can make you wait. Nobody else can. You need to decide what you want and what you're willing to give up to get it and then you have to be ok with that, or you have to be ok with waiting. Ask for what you want. No, demand it. Then if it's not handed to you, it probably wasn't even worth having in the first place. Some things are just not meant to be, no matter how much we wish they were...

There is no pretention here, no hidden meanings, no elaborate plans to impress. I realized that a risk free life, isn't much of a life at all and if I was going to change once again, I might as well start right now. I mean it's a fact. I'm different now than I was back then. Just like I'll be different at the end of this journey. And I'll be different tomorrow, from what was today. Even if the path is the same, if I meet the same people, if I make the same choices, it won't be the same. Because really, nothing truly is...

I've been doing this for quite some time, yet there are still so many things outside my realm of knowledge. I accepted that I can't do anything to stop the inevitable, I just wish I knew when it was coming. Tell me something. If it couldn't have been love and it didn't feel like lust, what was it? Nothing can describe it and nothing comes close to explaining why, for the first time, I felt the urge to tell her the truth. In another time and place, perhaps, I'll understand what it feels like to know someone without limitations, without regret and with absolute certainty. I'll know what it feels like to create infinity...

Broken windows and empty hallways...

Scarecrows dressed in the latest styles,

a pale dead moon in the sky streaked with gray,

the frozen smiles to chase love away,

human kindness is overflowing,

I think it's going to rain today...

Yesterday is over, it's a different day...

I've noticed that I can get used to a lot of things, if given enough time. Yet there's something, I realised, I can't live without. I'm not going to tell you what it is. I mean, where's the fun in that? But just know, that whatever you go through in life, there is that one regret you'll carry with you till the end of dawn, which will always feel like it could have changed your life. And you're right, it could have...

This is not goodbye or a fuck you speech. All it is, is what I feel needs to be said. She came into my life and gave me joy and love and she received both in return. A lot of the memories I will cherish forever, some I can't wait to forget. But most of all we showed each other that there will come a time, when we can both eventually let go. We were very different yet the pieces somehow all fit together...

I have come to realise that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them, and I find myself wondering why - out of all the people in the world I could have ever loved, it had to be you. Now I'm left lying here, alone in the dark, seeking the answers I so desperately need. You just need to know, there is no apology that can make it better, or I would have said something a long time ago. It is what it is. It was what it was. And sooner or later, we're going to have to accept it. But that doesn't mean I'll give up that little piece of hope I have left. Because what are we, after all, without our memories, without our dreams?

Nobody saw him fall...

It is life, I think, to watch the stars. One can learn so many things. It isn't about surviving the hardships that come your way. It's about understanding them. I was wrong. It wasn't over. It still isn't over. But with that realisation came another one. Sorrow is a large river and you can't swim against the current. You just have to try your best to not get swallowed by the sheer magnitude of the watery abyss...

Day and night are connected in a way that very few things are. There cannot be one without the other, yet they can't exist at the same time. How would it feel you ask? To be always together, yet forever apart? You have to experience it, to truly grasp its meaning. And I really wish, you would never have to know...

If you ask me, writing isn't to be analysed. It is meant to inspire without reason, to touch without understanding. And when it fails to do that, it no longer serves any purpose. You are not a writer until someone tells you that the words you created changed their life. And as I sit here and wonder what's to come, I can finally accept that I failed, because knowing that, doesn't change the fact that I managed to save myself in the process. And in the end, I know I'll do the right thing, even if it's hard. You may call me a dreamer or a fool, but that won't change my belief that still, after everything that's happened, anything is possible...

Stand there and hear me cry...

For the last 5 years I would spend this day in accordance to her beliefs and as such I had a simple ritual. I would get up, lie to my parents about going somewhere, then I'd go to dead man's crossing and I'd light a candle to celebrate her life and everything she gave and took to make me the man I am today. But as I sat infront of her eternal resting place, something didn't feel right. I'd usually just lay there for an hour, and talk about my life and everything that happened. I'd tell her about my failures, my achivements, my broken heart and mostly how much I missed her. Yet today, as I was staring at the heart of an unlit candle, I realised that this year, I don't really have anything to say...

I just watched the candle burn, for what felt like ages. No thoughts, no emotions, no movement. Just an empty soul, tired of everything and everyone. If nothing else, I made a vow. Next year I'll have so many things to tell, I'll have to spend a whole day there. It's going to be a tough year, of that I am sure. Uncertain paths, indestructible obstacles, and a lot of work. But I'm hoping that along the way, I get to have some fun and meet a lot of interesting people, who will undoubtedly change my perspective of the world. And maybe I even stumble onto the person I've been waiting for my whole life...

Right before I drown, you resuscitate me...

Message in a bottle...

A story keeps finding its way into profound parts of my mind. It's about family, first love, second chances, mourning death and also causing it, and mostly about the moments in life that lead you back home. I found myself noticing that the future is dictated by what we are, opposed to what we want and as much as I want to fight it, I know there won't be a next time...

The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that can heal it. The reason it hurts so much to be seperated is because I think our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one, and in each of them we've found each other. Which means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past and a prelude to what will come...

You know when you're feeling like your failing in practically every area of your life? When happiness seems as distant and unattainable as space travel. When mistakes are made, regrets form, and all that is left are repercussions which make something as simple as getting up in the morning seem almost laborious. I realised today I want something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe something as simple as not being second...

The rage controls us both...

They get me off so much,

they pick me up when I'm feeling blue,

now how about you?

Oh sweet home baby,

where the skies are so blue,

I'm coming home dear lord,

it's time to tell the truth...

I like the way it hurts...

Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful, because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart. When I look in the mirror, I know I'm looking at someone who isn't sure he deserves to be loved at all. Yet I know I loved and the feeling was even more wonderful than I ever imagined it could be...

The best kind of love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach out for more; that plants a fire in out hearts and brings peace to our minds. It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realise that the people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on, not with resent, but with fond experiences, which changed your life...

Every great love starts with a great story. It doesn't really matter what the story is, the only thing that matters, is how the story is told. Did you ever love somebody so much you could barely breathe? It was too far-fetched to believe, and to obvious to ignore. There it was - love. It is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day. So when I am silent, and afraid to utter a single word, I let my actions speak. Can you hear them?

When a tornado meets a volcano...

The saddest people I've ever met in my life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Love is like the wind, you can't see it, but you can sure as hell feel it. So I've figured out something. It's not going to be simple. It's going to be really hard. But honestly, nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy...

It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time the grief... lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming. Our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold, I still can't believe ours didn't go on forever...

Sometimes you have to be apart from the people you love, yet that doesn't make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them even more. Right before everything went black, the very last thing that entered my mind, was you. Love doesn't change. People do, circumstances do. But love is always patient and kind. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes...

The problem with time, I've learned, whether it's those days I got to spend with you, or the final two months I got to spend with her, eventually time always runs out. I have no idea where you're out there in the world, but I understand that I lost the right to know these things a long time ago. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to be as true as ever was - I will see you again...

As long as the wrong feels so right...

I could never tell you what really happened. I can just tell you how it feels. And to be honest sometimes I'm so ashamed, that I simply snap, and when I do, it's awful. I can't breathe, it's like I'm in a fight with myself. So drunk from the hate, that I nearly sufficate. And right before I'm about to drown, she rescues me, and I tell myself I hate her for it. But really, all I want to do, is run back to her, and to all the things she helped me achieve...

From now on I'm going to stand here and wait until something happens. I know we said things, did things, that we didn't really mean and we keep falling back into old patterns, the same routine. But if you think about it, we're really the same. All of us. When it comes to things like love and happiness we're all blind. I'm tired of our games, there won't be a next time. Guess we should go our seperate ways. It seems like the healthy thing to do. If only the moments we get lost in wouldn't feel so fucking good...

I'm a liar. But don't you just love the way I do it? Most of you would never know. She did though. Right from the start. It's about that time of year again, when I can't stop thinking about her. However I don't long anymore, I just remember the good times and the bad ones don't feel so bad anymore. Time changes a lot of things. It sure as hell changed me. Yet there's one thing that remains the same. My lasting desire to make a difference...

Sending out a prayer...

I started to inhale it,

smell it,

started sniffin' it.

It became my cocaine,

I just couldn't quit,

I just wanted a little bit...

I'm going to let you down...

I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. But it still wasn't enough. I find it kind of funny, but also kind of sad, that the circle I keep running, is the only thing I have. Strangely it's actually quite comforting at times, to feel like at least something is predictable. We're beautiful and there's nothing wrong with us, except for all those things we don't have the strength to admit to ourselves...

Hold on till it's over. Because believe me, it's about to get rough, even more so than before. It's sort of thrilling, isn't it? The choices we have to make everyday. They seem so little, so insignificant. But sooner or later, they lead to a crossroad, which changes practically every bit of who we are. One step at a time, but before you know it, you'll be looking down at a chasm of a cliff, wondering what path led to this moment. You won't have the willpower to jump, all you'll be doing is looking back at all those little decisions and you'll be wishing you could have another go...

A story. A man fires a rifle, then he goes to war, and afterwards he comes home and he sees that whatever else he might do with his life; build a house, love a woman, have a child, he will always remain a jarhead. And all the jarheads - killing and dying, they will always be me. I am still in the desert...

Resistance is futile...

There are still holes. I just find ways to fill them. There are still barriers. I just find ways to overcome them. There is still pain. I just find ways to suppress it. There is still darkness. I just find ways to bring forth the light. Yet there are no more tears, not because I find ways to dry them up, but because her death took them all away...

Evil has many faces. We can never recognise it until it's too late. I wouldn't have predicted this one in a million years. I don't know what makes her hurt inside, or why she feels she's not enough. But I hope that one day, she sees that she is great and she is worth fighting for...

To be a brother, to have a friend, to have a family. We want it so bad, that some are willing to invent it by themselves and just play all the parts. But if you play a role long enough, if you really commit, does it ever become real? Could I become real? Most actors toil in obscurity, never stepping into the spot light, but if you hone your craft, work diligently, you might just find yourself cast in a role of a lifetime...