You feel a lot of things, when you lose someone. First you feel like you could have done more to help them, to save them, but it's not true, you did everything you could, even though it won't feel that way. It will hurt every time you think of them and over time it will hurt less and less. Then eventually you'll remember them and it will only hurt a little. You'll always punish yourself for either the things you'll do or those you won't. Everything will look like a screw up. You'll know you have a problem, you just won't be able to fix it. You'll resort to substances that make you forget, that make you numb, so you can feel better, for even a moment...
It's funny really, I've decided something I know I'm going to regret, but it has to be done. It's because of you. You ruined everything. Yet I keep thinking that they were always meant to get broken, scattered into a million tiny pieces. We rush through life, then we suddenly stop and take a look at ourselves and we don't seem to recognise the person we've become. It all went by so fast, how is it possible we missed it? Why did we let fear start dictating our life? I hate that I let it control me this much, but I also know that it's going to take one hell of an event to make it go away...
