I'm under your spell...

Without a shadow of a doubt - I have fallen for you. I'm not sure how it happened, yet as we saw each other after all this time, I instantly realised you were exactly what I need. I've probably already jinxed it or somehow messed it up, but know that what I'm writing now is true. I don't think I've ever felt like this before, because it's not even that I'm in love with you, I think I might love you, the real you, without imaginary expectations or agenda. I see us going the distance, the walk and the march all at once. I'm scared of my emotions, I really am. I've ruined these things in the past, and as it stands now, I'm not sure I'd be able to help myself. It's everything about you - the way you talk to me, and the way you brush my hair, the way you make me smile, and the way you hold your stare. I'm even fucking rhyming, that's how pathetic I've become, and the worse part is that I don't really care, because even the thought of us together, makes my insides flare. I should stop now, I really should, but my humiliation be damned, this game is something I intend to play until the end.

The crazy days, the city lights...

All I've got is sinking sand...

I wish that love would never die.

I'm sorry. I know it means little at this point, but I am, and I really need you to realise that. I tried. I think if you knew the circumstances you would all agree that I tried - to be true, to be strong, to be kind, to love, to be right. I tried to overcome my greatest enemy, myself, yet as it seems I am as much of a victim of my twisted mind as all of you. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be better for you, but I wasn't, and I never will be. All is lost here, all is being washed away, except for my soul and body, that is, what's left of them. It's inexcusable, I'm certain of that. How it could have taken this long to admit this to you, I'm not sure. But it did. I'm fully aware of it now, and even though I didn't want to go, I didn't want to leave, somehow I ended up hurting you, wounding you like I never thought I possibly could. I hope you know that I fought until the end. I'm not sure what that is worth, but know that I did. I'm sorry.

Meet me on the other side...

Honey now if I'm honest,

I still don't know what love is.

Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled,

and now the floodgates cannot hold

all my sorrow, all my rage,

the tears that fall on every page.

So scared to look within,

the ghosts are crawling on my skin.

We may race and we may run,

but we'll not undo what has been done

or change the moment when it's gone.

Deep roots are not reached by the frost...

He grabs his sword, knowing full well that the battle cannot be won. The monstrosities have surrounded him, and they have enchanted the forest to emit a deafening screech - ensuring that the last thing he hears before he falls, are the screams of everyone he let down. They have bested him before the fight has even started, for our knight in blackened armour is fatigued and barely awake. Yet there he stands, as steadily and proud as ever. Foolishly he looks up at the stars and smiles. He is not afraid to die, he is not even scared of the pain. For this knight, your knight, has done the unthinkable - he has transcended beyond this world. Beyond the superficial, beyond the physically graspable, beyond words. Can you see it in his eyes? Can you feel it in his gaze? Can you sense it as he exhales? His veins are seething and even first blood does not quench his resolve. They hack into him, tore him asunder, and as he crumbles to the ground, a ray of moonlight breaches through and shines upon his heart. The meaning of it all eluding even the wisest of men.

Home is where I'm loving you...

This clock never seemed so alive...

Even fools they say,

can find their way out of the dark.

Young and beautiful...

There will come a time when I shall be reading everything I write today, and I will laugh. I will laugh at the top of my lungs at my youthful foolishness to believe, inspite of the world trying its hardest to crush my spirit. I'll laugh at my obscure tendency to make my every experience out to be the greatest drama since early man discovered the form. I shall laugh at my uniquely distorted view on reality, and how I, above all else, somehow need to feel pain where none really exists. There will come a time when everything will seem reasonable, and the feelings I'm feeling will make sense. A time when I'll be able to open my heart and with it, the inherent darkness which lies within. When I shall love greater than I have ever before, and when I'll truly be able to say that I've met someone who knows me, the uninhibited me, the Karr all of you get to read about day after day. Yet until such strands of time are woven, this is the walk, and this is my game face.

Shining like a diamond...

Everything seems to be falling in place. The memories that tormented his sleep have lost their hold, and as he awakes from his deep slumber, the sunlight breaching through his window illuminates the past. He did not fail, he did not disappoint, and he was not taken advantage of. But in fact, he did the very best he could, and he received the very best in turn. There was no other way this tale could have unfolded - they are just too different, and their journeys are heading in completely opposite directions. For a moment there he had forgotten where he was actually going, and he let the sensations of today cloud the prospects of tomorrow. He never wanted this, he never wanted that life, so in hindsight, walking away was the best thing that ever happened to him. It pushed him to another level, to more eagerly plummet towards his every dream. In the pain there was healing, and as soon as he was able to let go of his pride, the truth was clearer than the skies after a heavy downpour. Who would have ever thought that the boy who writes so fiercely about love, is the boy who'll never again let it deter him from his goals. And in-there lies the tragedy of this story - the story of the boy who runs so fast he leaves burning footprints in his wake, the story of the dearly departed and the forever alone.

Won't bow down...

I was in the dark,

I was falling hard,

how did I read the stars so wrong?

Now it's clear to me

that everything I see,

isn't always what it seems.

I was dreaming for so long,

now I'm wide awake.

I'm falling from cloud nine...

Soon it will all be over,
buried with our past
yet still, I miss our little talks.

I wanted different things, with different people, in different places. Life has a funny way of working out like nothing we imagined, yet somehow like we always knew it would. Perhaps it is time to grow up, and accept that there are dreams which cannot come true. They are too far away - halfway around the world and a few miles more. As much as I'd like to let go, and lead a normal life, I think I'll always be that person who strives for the unreachable. That's why I think I've never been able to love without the encumbrance of guilt - for no one has known the true me, and as it stands now, I'm not sure I'll ever allow anyone to even try. There are bigger things at stake, the odds greater than ever before, and the next few months shall be detrimental to the rest of my life. There are moments I can feel it being so close, so within reach, so fucking attainable I could caress it with my tongue. Yet it slips from my grasp time after time, like a grasshopper it jumps away and mocks the very idea that I would even chase it. Such is the destiny of those of us who still dare to dream, who even after everything, or perhaps because of everything, defy all the signs the universe throws our way, and just keep on marching through.

They say if you ever truly loved someone, you will have the strength to let them go, and find joy where you could not give it. So I guess that means I really loved you, each and every one of you. There is no more jealousy in my heart - for even though countless miles might be between us, I'd like to think that you're happy. That at this very second you're gazing into the eyes of your one true love, and that you feel invincible in a world that is determined to destroy you just for being who you are. There have been many of you that have touched my soul, stolen my heart, and returned it slightly deformed, yet I hold not a single grudge, because in a twisted sense of irony - I have come so far solely for the fact, that all of you made me feel like I wasn't good enough. And you were right - I wasn't, at least not back then. I wonder what you'd think if you saw me now, if you saw how hard I pushed myself, how much I've grown. I think you'd be proud, and maybe, just maybe, a little sorry that you don't get to share my spoils. Whatever the case, when our eyes finally do meet again, the world shall tremble beneath our feet, of that you can be sure.

My imminent selfdestruction...

From the ashes a phoenix shall rise.

Through the jungle, through the dark...

There is very little I can say right now. It feels as if I'm stuck in this perpetual state of disease. I know I'm not good enough, at least not yet. I need to push myself further, I need to become stronger, and I sure as hell need to learn to calm the whirlwinds that torment my insides. I cannot remember a moment when I was filled with such determination to overcome and reach beyond. I think I owe it to you. You were the straw that broke the camels back, and by walking away, you showed me that I was on the wrong road to begin with. This whole experience has been a journey to find my way back home. Back to her, and the safety of her embrace. I will not get there tomorrow, and I shall not get there in a years time or even a decade. This march will continue until my final breath, until my farewell, then as my eyes are about to shut for the very last time, she is going to hold me as she did all those years ago, and she's going to tell me that I've finally arrived - I'm finally home.

Forgetting everything I've seen and known...

You're so vain, 

you probably think this post is about you.

The world is burning...

No one can prepare you for the thrill you feel when you go against every value you hold dear. The deeper I plunge in, the clearer it becomes that this was a path I was always meant to walk. I just needed a push, and you pushed me further than I'll ever allow anyone again. Perhaps this is a downward spiral I'll never recover from, and maybe that's just fine. I mean if one road does not lead to where you need to be, the other surely must, right? The voices of the dead echoed through the silent night, and the truth was clearly evident - if she saw me now, she would be so disappointed with me, with who I'm becoming, and more importantly, who I'm not. The world I'm discovering makes me rethink everything I thought I knew, and I think there's so much more I need to learn. Tell me, do you think fools like me can find their way out of the dark or are we destined to walk in the shadows, eternally trying to find the light that inexplicably eludes our grasp? Nothing makes sense, and I'm afraid nothing ever will again.

He knows he tracks a troubled thread, and that the only way forward, is through. His thoughts are hard to focus, and he acts without reason or necessity. He wonders if he shall regret the mistakes he makes today, or if he'll ever wish he'd never given up. The stories he experiences at the brink of consciousness fuel his art, his passion for life, and his resolve to create, to make a difference. You would not even recognise him - he is no longer the boy you all fell in love with, he is something far more sinister. He is exactly what you despise, and he is the complete opposite of what you expected him to become. He has transformed into the anti-hero, the character in the play everyone wants to defeat, the monstrosities hiding in you closet, and the cautionary tale you'll tell the ones you'll love after him. He is your biggest mistake, and your greatest regret. He failed as a friend, as a first love, as love all together. He has failed, that is for sure.

It should have been me...

It's not about trying to reclaim lost lust or love or affection. It's not about the person, and it's not even about me. It's about the principal. It's about the common notion that we should have finished what we started. And I know it's childish and immature and selfish, but the fact remains that this is how I feel, and this is how I choose to express it. As burned out and wasted as I am, I have realised that perhaps my ideal vision of how I should lead my life was meant to be broken. Maybe this means I can finally let loose the chains which bind and embrace the fact that I am not that good of a person, not that good of a friend, not that good of a partner. Maybe this is my moment to let go of my insecurities, of my pride, and of my inherent ego - to reach beyond my limitations and become that which I have always wanted, yet immensely feared. The boy who said he'd never give up, is crying wolf, and the time has come to finally, against all odds, defy every single rule I've ever made, and just go for it. I think if I want something I never had, I need to do something I've never done. So tonight marks the milestone when they have won, and I have admitted defeat. Tonight I give in to my lesser instincts - and pray to god that I don't stray too far.