Fare thee well...

Our little space in between...

Every burden has been lifted. 

Every tear has dried. 

Every laugh has been silenced. 

Every sorrow has been forgotten. 

Every story has been told.

This is most probably the last you'll hear of me. I shall finish off this this year, then I think it will finally be time to stop. I have unravelled at my seams, and I have become everything I never wanted to be. I always believed that if I was patient enough, life would unfold in ways that would make me understand every setback and disappointment, yet as it stands now - absolutely nothing makes sense. I will not say goodbye, for I'd like to think we're above that. I'd like to imagine that we shall live on, and that we shall write stories and somehow, against all odds, be able to touch through the sheer willpower of our minds. Think of me when you are down - I shall be there to offer a comforting shoulder. Think of me when you'll be the happiest you've ever been - I shall be smiling right there beside you. Think of me when you have lost all hope - I shall be there to remind you that in order to be strong, you first have to be weak. Think of me often, think of me fondly, think of me as infinite.

The story of my life...

Written on these walls 

are the tales I cannot explain,

I leave my heart open, 

but it just stays empty for days.

It seems to me that when I die, 

these words will be written on my stone.

Not all who wander are lost...

I don't write because I would do it well or it would come easily and naturally to me, and I don't do it because I have this amazing gift I urgently need to share with the world or for the fact that everything I write is golden and begs to be read. I guess I would consider myself a writer because even after days like today, when life laughs in my face, and makes sure I not only trip beneath its will, but fall flat on my face, I keep on writing anyway. Even when nothing I do shows any sign of progress, and I have burnt every bridge to every person I held dear, I pick up my pen and somehow, almost magically, a giant weight is lifted from my shoulders. Even when there is no more hope, and love has failed me once again, or one could argue, I have failed it, I make sure that all my days end with words on pages and not with tears on my cheeks. I have given my soul to you, I have bled my heart dry, and now, after all these years, it is evident that you, that this thing that is not a blog, is my only constant, and in a way - the love of my life. I guess what I'm trying to say is; thank you. Thank you for sticking with me through thin and thick. Thank you for giving a hopelessly lost wanderer the courage to wander till the end of his days.

Moats and boats and waterfalls...

Leave me crashing in a blazing fall...

This year needs to end - for sure. Not that it hasn't been great or filled with countless memories that will be etched within my mind forever, yet as of now, I don't think I've ever felt such a need to finish off a chapter, and start the next. As I look into your eyes, I see the potential for greatness - for us to transcend our circumstances, and come together unlike any union before. You make me feel as if I'll really be somebody one day, like I'll achieve every stupid dream I've ever dreamt. So as our story starts to be written once more, I am certain it will be my last downfall. Either we touch the sky or fall beneath the encumbrance of our fears, these truly are the last words that need to be scribbled down. After you, I shall stop. There will be no more agenda, just the simple fact that everything I wanted to tell has already been told. Always in my unique way, with an overload of passion and drama, with a sense of irony and self-depreciation, with a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eyes; with resolve in my soul and warmth in my heart.

The full moon has foretold of the events to come. There is nothing he can do to stop it. The weave of destiny has started to unravel, and his only option is to let it. No more excuses, no more hanging on to past lies. His life has become for rent and those seeking to occupy it shall find only cluttered shelves and dusty corners. He is tired ... so fucking tired that he can't even sleep anymore. Something has to change, something has to give or this tale might end sooner than we've ever imagined. Nothing he has is truly his, and to this moment he fabricates unattainable scenarios and ludicrous outcomes. Rain falls on his cheeks, and washes away the tears that have long since dried up, hoping that those he wept for, have forgiven his mistakes. He is coming home, tell the world that he's finally coming home.

Your love keeps me warm...

Carpe Omnious...

I've been struggling to think of what to say ... so I stopped thinking. I was convinced I didn't know who I wanted to be, let alone who I was, but then I realised - the answer was all around me. I want to be someone who is willing to forgive. I want to be someone who cares more about others than himself, someone who isn't afraid to tell it like it is, even if it might hurt. I want to be someone who would give up everything for the right reason, someone who sees the best in everyone, someone who is a true friend. I want to be someone who always wants to be a better person, someone who has the courage to learn from his mistakes. I guess I want to be someone who can encompass all those things so I can finally be that boy who doesn't need anyone to make him happy. The boy who is willing to leave things behind even if it almost kills him. The boy who'll know how to dance all on his own.

I press play, you press pause...

I can't change,

even if I tried,

even if I wanted to.

Your love,

it keeps me warm,

and love is patient,

love is kind,

your love,

she keeps me warm.

Scream my name, and I'll be gone...

I am always in owe of how little I actually know about life. Just when I think I have things figured out, my slumbering nature rears its toxic head, and I am left with the simple notion that I'm not the person I wanted to be, that she wanted me to become. I am flawed in more ways than I can count, and I am still such a coward when it comes to things which matter. I don't live to be happy, I live like I was writing a story I would want to tell someone when I shall be grey and old. I let people go just for the shake of seeing if they'll come back, and as it turns out, none of you ever do. I am the common thread, the reason all of you leave, and the sole denominator for our undoing. Perhaps in another alternate universe our stories will carry on without the encumbrance of my undermining rationality or my aching body or restless soul. And maybe, just maybe, one day you shall think of me without resentment or regret, but with a smile on your face and peace in your heart. 

Live and let die...

Every demon wants his pound of flesh...

He never imagined he would meet someone like you. Someone who so utterly resembles the first story he ever wrote that it's almost frightening. That's why he's fighting so hard and cares so deeply - for you are the first fragment of his imagination and the very last piece of this puzzle. Whether you fall together, or rise alone, this is surely the last tale that needs to be told before he is finally ready. It has been a long time coming, and even as the past comes crumbling down, the future has never felt so promising.

Once again I was not good enough for you to stay, for you to realise that I needed a friend more than ever - though now it seems as if these shackles were always meant to be broken. You are free of me, free of the burdens I placed upon you, free of the memories that we created together - free to be happy, as none other deserves to be.

We cannot undo what has been done...

Even after all this time,

the same truth comes to mind:

the more things change,

the more they stay the same.

Love you like a love song...

I made a vow to wait until the end of this year. To wait until my heart was ready to beat again, to beat for someone else. Yet as it seems, that vow shall be broken, because not even I could have predicted that you'd ever come back into my life. When we first met, I thought you'd only be a passing ship, someone that would help me forget the memories that tormented my sleep, yet as it turned out, the potential of what we had the chance to be, haunts me unlike anything before. If this does not work out, I think you'll be the one that got away. That person I'll always look back to, and think; what if? What if I had fought harder, what if you'd stayed longer? What if we weren't so damaged and afraid? The story that is being written now is one I never imagined I'd be writing, but here I am, desperately trying with all my might to make you see, to make you realise that together, we're infinity.

The floodgates cannot hold...

It's been said and done,

every thought has been already sung,

and I guess right now, here's another one:

Your melody will play on and on,

you're beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible,

sinful, miracle, lyrical,

you've saved my life again.

You are magical, lyrical, beautiful...

Ko čakanje postane edini čas, ki ga poznaš.

He could tell from your expression that you wanted to kiss him. That you wanted to hold him in your arms the way you did during the summer both of you will never forget, the way you had done a thousand times. The situation as a whole broke his heart to bits - yes he had been hoping, hoping with every ounce of his being that you have finally realised how stupid you've been, but deep down he knew there were other things at stake, other people to consider, and that perhaps he wasn't the most important fracture in this equation. Without a doubt, he has missed you, he has missed every part of you. Your darkest torments, and your brightest imperfections. He has missed the life you almost had together. But that wasn't enough, not anymore. This time you would have to fight for him, fight like you've never fought before. 

There is nothing left to see here, nothing left to read. I have been repeating myself for the last 5 years, and truly, I beg you to stop. You have watched me rise, and you have witnessed all my falls, and for the life of me, I still can't understand why any of you stick around. I am nothing special, and my story is boring as hell. Resowing the same patterns, not even bothering to introduce new characters - just a roller-coaster of my insecurities and simply ludicrous reactions. There are no answers here, no magical meaning - just a stupid boy, who never learned how to let go of those who let go of him. Perhaps it is finally time for us to part ways. But fear not, the person behind these words shall live on. He shall prosper, and he shall suffer in the same ways he always has. He will not die, for what you helped create here, will live on for eternity - just the way I planned. 

I'm under your spell...

Without a shadow of a doubt - I have fallen for you. I'm not sure how it happened, yet as we saw each other after all this time, I instantly realised you were exactly what I need. I've probably already jinxed it or somehow messed it up, but know that what I'm writing now is true. I don't think I've ever felt like this before, because it's not even that I'm in love with you, I think I might love you, the real you, without imaginary expectations or agenda. I see us going the distance, the walk and the march all at once. I'm scared of my emotions, I really am. I've ruined these things in the past, and as it stands now, I'm not sure I'd be able to help myself. It's everything about you - the way you talk to me, and the way you brush my hair, the way you make me smile, and the way you hold your stare. I'm even fucking rhyming, that's how pathetic I've become, and the worse part is that I don't really care, because even the thought of us together, makes my insides flare. I should stop now, I really should, but my humiliation be damned, this game is something I intend to play until the end.

The crazy days, the city lights...

All I've got is sinking sand...

I wish that love would never die.

I'm sorry. I know it means little at this point, but I am, and I really need you to realise that. I tried. I think if you knew the circumstances you would all agree that I tried - to be true, to be strong, to be kind, to love, to be right. I tried to overcome my greatest enemy, myself, yet as it seems I am as much of a victim of my twisted mind as all of you. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be better for you, but I wasn't, and I never will be. All is lost here, all is being washed away, except for my soul and body, that is, what's left of them. It's inexcusable, I'm certain of that. How it could have taken this long to admit this to you, I'm not sure. But it did. I'm fully aware of it now, and even though I didn't want to go, I didn't want to leave, somehow I ended up hurting you, wounding you like I never thought I possibly could. I hope you know that I fought until the end. I'm not sure what that is worth, but know that I did. I'm sorry.

Meet me on the other side...

Honey now if I'm honest,

I still don't know what love is.

Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled,

and now the floodgates cannot hold

all my sorrow, all my rage,

the tears that fall on every page.

So scared to look within,

the ghosts are crawling on my skin.

We may race and we may run,

but we'll not undo what has been done

or change the moment when it's gone.

Deep roots are not reached by the frost...

He grabs his sword, knowing full well that the battle cannot be won. The monstrosities have surrounded him, and they have enchanted the forest to emit a deafening screech - ensuring that the last thing he hears before he falls, are the screams of everyone he let down. They have bested him before the fight has even started, for our knight in blackened armour is fatigued and barely awake. Yet there he stands, as steadily and proud as ever. Foolishly he looks up at the stars and smiles. He is not afraid to die, he is not even scared of the pain. For this knight, your knight, has done the unthinkable - he has transcended beyond this world. Beyond the superficial, beyond the physically graspable, beyond words. Can you see it in his eyes? Can you feel it in his gaze? Can you sense it as he exhales? His veins are seething and even first blood does not quench his resolve. They hack into him, tore him asunder, and as he crumbles to the ground, a ray of moonlight breaches through and shines upon his heart. The meaning of it all eluding even the wisest of men.

Home is where I'm loving you...

This clock never seemed so alive...

Even fools they say,

can find their way out of the dark.

Young and beautiful...

There will come a time when I shall be reading everything I write today, and I will laugh. I will laugh at the top of my lungs at my youthful foolishness to believe, inspite of the world trying its hardest to crush my spirit. I'll laugh at my obscure tendency to make my every experience out to be the greatest drama since early man discovered the form. I shall laugh at my uniquely distorted view on reality, and how I, above all else, somehow need to feel pain where none really exists. There will come a time when everything will seem reasonable, and the feelings I'm feeling will make sense. A time when I'll be able to open my heart and with it, the inherent darkness which lies within. When I shall love greater than I have ever before, and when I'll truly be able to say that I've met someone who knows me, the uninhibited me, the Karr all of you get to read about day after day. Yet until such strands of time are woven, this is the walk, and this is my game face.

Shining like a diamond...

Everything seems to be falling in place. The memories that tormented his sleep have lost their hold, and as he awakes from his deep slumber, the sunlight breaching through his window illuminates the past. He did not fail, he did not disappoint, and he was not taken advantage of. But in fact, he did the very best he could, and he received the very best in turn. There was no other way this tale could have unfolded - they are just too different, and their journeys are heading in completely opposite directions. For a moment there he had forgotten where he was actually going, and he let the sensations of today cloud the prospects of tomorrow. He never wanted this, he never wanted that life, so in hindsight, walking away was the best thing that ever happened to him. It pushed him to another level, to more eagerly plummet towards his every dream. In the pain there was healing, and as soon as he was able to let go of his pride, the truth was clearer than the skies after a heavy downpour. Who would have ever thought that the boy who writes so fiercely about love, is the boy who'll never again let it deter him from his goals. And in-there lies the tragedy of this story - the story of the boy who runs so fast he leaves burning footprints in his wake, the story of the dearly departed and the forever alone.

Won't bow down...

I was in the dark,

I was falling hard,

how did I read the stars so wrong?

Now it's clear to me

that everything I see,

isn't always what it seems.

I was dreaming for so long,

now I'm wide awake.

I'm falling from cloud nine...

Soon it will all be over,
buried with our past
yet still, I miss our little talks.

I wanted different things, with different people, in different places. Life has a funny way of working out like nothing we imagined, yet somehow like we always knew it would. Perhaps it is time to grow up, and accept that there are dreams which cannot come true. They are too far away - halfway around the world and a few miles more. As much as I'd like to let go, and lead a normal life, I think I'll always be that person who strives for the unreachable. That's why I think I've never been able to love without the encumbrance of guilt - for no one has known the true me, and as it stands now, I'm not sure I'll ever allow anyone to even try. There are bigger things at stake, the odds greater than ever before, and the next few months shall be detrimental to the rest of my life. There are moments I can feel it being so close, so within reach, so fucking attainable I could caress it with my tongue. Yet it slips from my grasp time after time, like a grasshopper it jumps away and mocks the very idea that I would even chase it. Such is the destiny of those of us who still dare to dream, who even after everything, or perhaps because of everything, defy all the signs the universe throws our way, and just keep on marching through.

They say if you ever truly loved someone, you will have the strength to let them go, and find joy where you could not give it. So I guess that means I really loved you, each and every one of you. There is no more jealousy in my heart - for even though countless miles might be between us, I'd like to think that you're happy. That at this very second you're gazing into the eyes of your one true love, and that you feel invincible in a world that is determined to destroy you just for being who you are. There have been many of you that have touched my soul, stolen my heart, and returned it slightly deformed, yet I hold not a single grudge, because in a twisted sense of irony - I have come so far solely for the fact, that all of you made me feel like I wasn't good enough. And you were right - I wasn't, at least not back then. I wonder what you'd think if you saw me now, if you saw how hard I pushed myself, how much I've grown. I think you'd be proud, and maybe, just maybe, a little sorry that you don't get to share my spoils. Whatever the case, when our eyes finally do meet again, the world shall tremble beneath our feet, of that you can be sure.

My imminent selfdestruction...

From the ashes a phoenix shall rise.

Through the jungle, through the dark...

There is very little I can say right now. It feels as if I'm stuck in this perpetual state of disease. I know I'm not good enough, at least not yet. I need to push myself further, I need to become stronger, and I sure as hell need to learn to calm the whirlwinds that torment my insides. I cannot remember a moment when I was filled with such determination to overcome and reach beyond. I think I owe it to you. You were the straw that broke the camels back, and by walking away, you showed me that I was on the wrong road to begin with. This whole experience has been a journey to find my way back home. Back to her, and the safety of her embrace. I will not get there tomorrow, and I shall not get there in a years time or even a decade. This march will continue until my final breath, until my farewell, then as my eyes are about to shut for the very last time, she is going to hold me as she did all those years ago, and she's going to tell me that I've finally arrived - I'm finally home.

Forgetting everything I've seen and known...

You're so vain, 

you probably think this post is about you.

The world is burning...

No one can prepare you for the thrill you feel when you go against every value you hold dear. The deeper I plunge in, the clearer it becomes that this was a path I was always meant to walk. I just needed a push, and you pushed me further than I'll ever allow anyone again. Perhaps this is a downward spiral I'll never recover from, and maybe that's just fine. I mean if one road does not lead to where you need to be, the other surely must, right? The voices of the dead echoed through the silent night, and the truth was clearly evident - if she saw me now, she would be so disappointed with me, with who I'm becoming, and more importantly, who I'm not. The world I'm discovering makes me rethink everything I thought I knew, and I think there's so much more I need to learn. Tell me, do you think fools like me can find their way out of the dark or are we destined to walk in the shadows, eternally trying to find the light that inexplicably eludes our grasp? Nothing makes sense, and I'm afraid nothing ever will again.

He knows he tracks a troubled thread, and that the only way forward, is through. His thoughts are hard to focus, and he acts without reason or necessity. He wonders if he shall regret the mistakes he makes today, or if he'll ever wish he'd never given up. The stories he experiences at the brink of consciousness fuel his art, his passion for life, and his resolve to create, to make a difference. You would not even recognise him - he is no longer the boy you all fell in love with, he is something far more sinister. He is exactly what you despise, and he is the complete opposite of what you expected him to become. He has transformed into the anti-hero, the character in the play everyone wants to defeat, the monstrosities hiding in you closet, and the cautionary tale you'll tell the ones you'll love after him. He is your biggest mistake, and your greatest regret. He failed as a friend, as a first love, as love all together. He has failed, that is for sure.

It should have been me...

It's not about trying to reclaim lost lust or love or affection. It's not about the person, and it's not even about me. It's about the principal. It's about the common notion that we should have finished what we started. And I know it's childish and immature and selfish, but the fact remains that this is how I feel, and this is how I choose to express it. As burned out and wasted as I am, I have realised that perhaps my ideal vision of how I should lead my life was meant to be broken. Maybe this means I can finally let loose the chains which bind and embrace the fact that I am not that good of a person, not that good of a friend, not that good of a partner. Maybe this is my moment to let go of my insecurities, of my pride, and of my inherent ego - to reach beyond my limitations and become that which I have always wanted, yet immensely feared. The boy who said he'd never give up, is crying wolf, and the time has come to finally, against all odds, defy every single rule I've ever made, and just go for it. I think if I want something I never had, I need to do something I've never done. So tonight marks the milestone when they have won, and I have admitted defeat. Tonight I give in to my lesser instincts - and pray to god that I don't stray too far.

Down the waterfall...

And I see it in your eyes, 

the emerald reefs of the primordial seas, 

troth with the first stirrings of life 

- infinite in mystery and miracle.

Lying on the edge of a star...

"I just want to be them", he says to himself after watching a movie or reading a book. The boy who's all built up and shattered at the same time. Telling himself that when he wakes up, hope will be restored, and everything will seem possible once more. Meanwhile, he is here. Somewhere in between. Vivid words in his mind, seeing inspiration floating around and wondering. Wondering how on earth could he finally erase you - every single fractionated memory of you. If only he could erase, erase everything, forever, then he could move on. Instead he lays here, with crumbled friendships and lost loves, wondering if they'd even recognise the man he is today. Do they even miss him? Perhaps they do not, because they have become as heartless as he is, as numb to the world as he ever was, and as fragile as he'd never dare to admit. He is not brave anymore. He is broken. They have broken him, and while you can be sure that he will get over it eventually, maybe even really soon, that does not change the fact that as of now - he is lost in the meadows. 

Everyone is faceless...

Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love,

it's a waste of your time.

There are too many mediocre things in life.

Love shouldn't be one of them.

Up to my neck in darkness...

I am quite sure I've been here before. I've written these words, I've mulled over these thoughts, and I have gazed at the very same stars, making the very same wish. I moved miles, yet not a single inch at all. I have failed at love, and love has failed me - so now that I stand at the precipice of another journey for the lonely hearted, I am more scared than I've ever been. I am afraid that I shall be broken once more, and that I shall be forced into things I never wanted in the first place. That is why it has been decided. I will not pursue you, I will not pursue us. I just wouldn't be able to survive if it didn't work out, and knowing myself, knowing how I function, it would surely end in disaster. I need you to realise that this is the hardest decision I had to make in forever. It does not reflect on you, and I have no issue admitting that I've never been as intensely in love, as I am in this very moment. But I simply cannot allow myself to go through it again - I have witnessed defeat too many times to think I could make it work. So I shall remain here. Alone and in silent agony. Waiting to forget you, and the lust I feel for everything you are, and everything you'll one day be.

Right now, there are people all over the world who are just like you, just like us. They're lonely. They're missing somebody, and grieving for those who were taken away from their lives too early. They're in love with someone they probably shouldn't be in love with. They have secrets that would make you gasš when you'd hear them. They wish, dream, hope, and they look out the window whenever they're in a car or on a bus or a train and they watch those who pass by on the streets, and wonder what they've been through, and where they're going. We are never alone, because there are those who are like you, who are like us, and if we'd ever meet, we could tell them anything, and they would understand. Just like that.

Can't help falling in love with you...

These quiet times...

I miss you even though you've never been mine. I miss the way you look at me, and the way I can get lost in your smile. I miss how you used to hold my hand and tell me that everything will be just fine. I miss the faint smell of strawberries when I'd undress you, and the way I could feel your warmth when we got lost in our embrace. I miss the journeys that we shared and the tales we told each other. I am at a loss for words when you even send a glance my way. I think you might be the one, the one this soul has craved and ached for since it was torn asunder. You are the missing pieces. The exception to the rule, and consequently the reason it even exists. And he is the boy who has dreamt that you will be his, that one day you shall lay in his arms and feel as if there is no greater love in the world. We are but a moment away from intertwining, and while it shall certainly be hard either way, the threads of this story need to unravel. It has gone on long enough, and the universe demands a satisfactory end. I think you might be my one true love, the person who'll give me every reason to stay, and make me want to love until the end of time. All that needs to be done is the impossible - to leap without knowing how deep, and to fly without having wings.

You've changed the way you kiss me...

I know that life won't break me...

Psychosis 1.33

It's happening exactly as I predicted, and I can't even pretend I have the power to stop it, to stop myself. I am repeating old patterns, and I guess the only logical conclusion is that I am indeed insane, because I still hope for different results. I can feel myself slipping, I can taste the darkness and while I swore I'd never go back to black, it seems life has other plans. I am in owe how even after all this time, I'm still trapped in this god forsaken cycle of self-sabotage and destruction. I try to place blame on circumstances and all of you who left, but as it turns out, the blame lies with me alone. I am the common denominator, the common thread in all of our stories that ended so abruptly, and accompanied with such inherent sadness. The curse has yet to be lifted, so I am left with what I started with - myself. I need not their praise, nor their compassion. I needn't crave the tiniest portions of their attention, for I have something they have lost long ago. I have my dreams, my aspirations, and my everlasting desire to make a difference - to touch by being touched, to inspire by being inspired and to love endlessly by being loved eternally.

My day of reckoning...

I sit and wait and I wonder,

does an angel contemplate my fate?

So when I'm lying in my bed,

thoughts running through my head,

I finally realise that love is dead.

And through it all you offer me protection,

a lot of love and affection,

whether I'm right or wrong.

And down the waterfall,

wherever it may take me,

I know that life won't break me,

when I call, you won't forsake me,

I'll be loving angels instead.

A loose cannon...

The road ahead is clear. He must do what he has always done. He must defy the laws of nature, overcome the hand he has been dealt, and play the game to win. They will hate him for it, and they will whisper behind his back, yet this is the life he chose long ago, and this is the journey he shall march till the end of time. His drive has been renewed with a greater sense of what is at stake. He is running out of time, and the future has never demanded so loudly to be lived. The choices he makes at this very moment shall echo his entire life, and growing up feels harder than he ever thought possible. The chase has begun and soon he shall be forced to say farewell to the child within - to the innocent façade of all that was once holy, and embrace all that which he ran away from. These moments are golden, they are like tiny pieces of fabric being sown and weaved into the shell that surrounds him. The strands of time wash away, and he is left with the simple notion that if he wants to reach the stars, he'll have to breakway from the friends that bind, and the love that withholds - he will once again have to be alone.

The good lord will take me away...

The more things change,

the more they stay the same.

Walking down a one way street...

I'll be loving angels instead.

I only just realised something yesterday. While this whole process of self discovery and this journey towards my higher self has been utterly gratifying, there have been pieces of my being I wish I never lost. I see a different person in the mirror, and sometimes I shed tears for the boy I once knew. The boy who was an impenetrable fortress of ambition and drive, of dreams and goals. I'm not sure when exactly things started to crumble, but it is impossible to deny that I am now one of those people who crave love, to receive it, and give it in turn. The mighty have fallen for sure, and while I had never imagined I'd be saying all of this, the truth is futile to ignore. My salvation is clearly evident - I must choose to be alone, just to make sure I still can. I have actively sabotaged recent chances and while I may one day regret passing on the opportunities for stable relationships, I'm certain that in the end, I shall be stronger for it. I don't need anyone but myself, that's what she told me, that's what I was raised to believe. And if I will be broken, if I will find that one person who'll shatter every single stone in every single instance of my wall, then that person deserves credit when credit is due. Until then, I shall come here, and share my inherent sadness with all of you, and for the briefest of moments, the world won't be such a lonely place.

He is a lost wanderer - a soul begging for release from the infernal chains that bind it to its cage. For he was born a dreamer in a world that destroys those who dare to reach beyond the superficial, the norm, the life we're forced to lead. His heart has been broken, and it has been restored, and so it continues in an endless spiral of happiness and an unbearable feeling of failure. There is no going back and they will never love him again, and that truth scares him to his core. Those he help rise to the sky, have flown away without thought of helping him when he needed them most. He is left stranded and without the proper means to survive. As it was foretold, he is gasping for air as his surroundings slowly turn into a bog of mist and plasma. He is the broken hearted and the endlessly over-dramatic boy you were all warned about. He is the biggest mistake you will ever make, yet in the same breath, the most beautiful thing you were ever part of. He is both the one that got away, and the one who wishes, he'd never let you leave.

Salvation lets my wings unfold...

I'll always be blessed with love...

When I am grey and old I shall undoubtedly regret many things. I will look upon my life and think of the opportunities I let slip by. I will wonder about how further I should have gone, and how much sooner I would have embarked upon the journey that led me to my final breath if only I'd known the whole truth. I will ponder the possibilities of different circumstances, of loves lost because of words unspoken and rash decisions made out of anger and disappointment. But aside that, I shall also look back at the moments that made my heart burst from excitement. The moments I felt like I could fly, touch the stars, and live on the moon. I shall remember the times our lips touched and the world stopped. I will hold these memories dear and as I stop breathing I will know, I will know without a shadow of a doubt that I have lived a full life. That I have experienced every emotion our fragile existence has to offer, and I will know that my life was worth the ride. Then one day, when I am forgotten, and the world has moved on without any traces of me left, I shall drift in the endless void of the boulevard of souls, and I even though there will be no one to hear it, my laugh will be as loud as a star collapsing on itself, and instead of all of you, I'll be loving angels instead.

Fatal mistakes are so easily made...

Softly now,

you owe it to the world,

and everyone knows you're my favourite boy,

but there are some things in life that aren't meant to be,

I'm not meant for you, and you're not meant for me.

Here's to our problems,

here's to our fights,

here's to our achings,

and here's to you having a good life. 

My moment...

He had always believed in the same fairytale - that he has to be patient and endure in order to get the ending he deserves, the love he dreams of. He was implored to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell apart the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe, just maybe, his happy ending does not include a person. Perhaps ... it's just him, on his own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing himself for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is simply moving on, and knowing that even after all the disappointment, through the blunders and misread signs, through all the pain and embarrassment, he never gave up hope.

You do not get to decide how you will leave this existence, but you can decide how you'll live it. So do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to be? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breath in and out, then decide, because in truth what all of us want to do, is just survive the storm of life. We pray to get to the other side, but we can never really imagine what it will be like once we get there. What if when the storm passes, there's nothing left? He always said he could handle anything, but he was wrong, he couldn't handle this. While he was mistaken about many things it seems, there is one he could not have gotten more right - he was right about you.