The years keep coming, they won't stop coming...

Lose yourself in the music...

Why so serious? We may be wrong, but we're wrong in all the right ways. The beat goes on, and all we can do, is just let go. We'll find each other one day, you can be sure of that. And when we do, no words need be spoken, for our eyes will say everything. As this year comes to an end, I'm proud of myself, I really am, because I lived without fear, with no thought of what was and what might one day be. I may have failed at certain things, but never before have I failed with such conviction. That in itself is the best victory I could have hoped for. While doubts creep in my soul every now and then, I still believe, I really do. We've endured, together, as one. So this is for us, the kids who try their hardest to be good enough, who listen to the same song countless times, because it reminds them of who they want to be, to the kids, who deserve much more than they get, and are willing to fight for. This one's for us. The underdogs.

Underneath this boy, there's an endless story...

The morning rain clouds up my window,

and I can't see at all.

But your picture on my wall,

it reminds me, that it's not so bad,

it's not so bad at all.

So I lose myself in the music,

and hope when I own it,

I never ever let it go.

Because I'll only get one shot,

and I'm afraid I'll blow. 

I open my mouth,

but the words won't come out. 

I'm choking, I guess I'm the joke now. 

Then I snap back to reality,

and realise I just defied gravity. 

For you I'd risk it all...

I had a dream about you last night in what feels like ages. It's not that you haven't been on my mind, I just think I've grown used to looking for you, even though I know you're never there. I dreamt I was fourteen years old again, with my whole life ahead of me, and you took me in your arms, and said that one day I would reach the stars. You spoke with such conviction, you were so sure, I almost believed you. I don't think I've ever missed you as much as I miss you right now. Sometimes I wonder if you'd be proud of the person I've become. I wonder if you'd accept me for who I am, and not push me into being who everyone wants me to be. But one thing I never question, is whether you'd be on my side, because I know that no matter what, you would always love me, and I think in a way, you still do. It's just a thought, only a thought, but perhaps one day, when I exhale my last breath, we shall meet again, and everything will be as it should, as it was meant to be.

I say this without hope or agenda. Without pretense or illusion. Without remorse or regret. Without contention or deceit. I say this with upmost pride and dignity. I say this with a sparkle in my eyes and a smile on my face. I say this with hope and confidence for the future. To me, someone who is flawed and raw as few dare to be, you are perfectly unperfect. You showed me things without even knowing it, and you taught me more than I ever thought I could learn. I hope you find what you're looking for, because I really do wish you the best. I've charted my path, set my goal, and now I'm on my way. Who knows where I'll end up, or if I'll even make it at all. But that's the beauty of it. That's why the future is so exciting. Because it's sort of like a dare, it's potential, and in the end, it's all we have left. 

Turn into something beautiful, something wonderful...

So here's the plan. Since nothing I have is truly mine, there really isn't anything keeping me here. I've never found a place I call home, because I never stick long enough to make it. And now that I've set the future in motion, all I can do, all I was ever able to do, is hope that it unfolds in ways that take my breath away. Something changed again, the winds feel different somehow. And since it was never truly about lust or love, but always what makes a good story, I'm starting to wonder if anything will ever be real. I'm scared more about who I'm becoming than who I've been, and that in itself, tears me to bits. I've left such a mess, I can't come back again, and I understand why you had to leave. I always knew I would go down with this ship, as every good captain does, yet strangely, for the first time in my life, I welcome the watery abyss. Because if anything, I've learned that I can't drown, and no magnitude of destruction could ever make me surrender. I'm in love with life, and I always will be.

Did you ever think about how long it would take to change your life? What measure of time is enough to be life-altering? Four years, like highschool, a year in college, an eight week summer escape? Can your life change in a month, a week, or even a single day? It seems we're always in a hurry to grow up, to go places, to get ahead, to get even. But what I've found to be true, is that when you're young, one hour, or maybe a fleeting moment, can change everything. So as I lay witness to what a single word has done, I am in awe of life and death and everything in between. We smile at each other, as countless times before, and then we continue walking, again, as countless times before.

I'll let it pass and I'll hold my tongue...

Well well, here I am again. Exactly where I knew I'd be. There is no white flag above my door, of that you can be sure. I had to say it, because if I didn't, I would have still felt it, so where's the sense in that? And while I realise goodbye's aren't guaranteed, this ship seemed to sail away faster than it ought to. Perhaps if I hadn't kept such a tight hold, things would have been different. I guess I'm still a child when it comes to these things, and all of this has taught me countless lessons. Most I could have foretold, yet some really caught me by surprise. Sometimes I find that what I wanted, isn't really what I need and the dream and all it's promises were never really meant to be. As I gaze onward, towards the final march, I am confident. Not quite in myself, but in the universe. While I might flip it the finger sometimes, and while we might not always see eye to eye, I've grown to like the way it works in mysterious way. So before I fall asleep, I look out the window and wink at the brightest star. For only it knows what I'm going through and what I still have to overcome.

Dance the past away...

Čas je spet, da rečem kej.
Čas je spet, da se spovem.
Čas je spet, da s poezijo prestopm ta greben.  


Tko k vedno, sm dal preveč
in se zaletel v raj. 
Sm upu, čeprov sm vidu konc 
že tisoč milj nazaj.


Še zdaleč nism dost,
da tebi bil bi v ponos.
Vem in ne zamerim sploh,
kr sm bil na tvojem mestu
in sm še hujš spelal,
naredu velik več škode
in še prej zbežal.


Da grem naprej enak,
bi bla laž, bi bla iluzija.
Ker vse prej blo je sranje,
to med nama pa potencialna fantazija.


Adijo moja prva zares prava,
adijo moj skoraj vse,
adijo nesrečna romanca,
mogoče še kdaj, srečava se. 

I've been awake for awhile now...

No tears.

Just life.

This is how our story ends...

I know you won't believe me, but I'm actually not that sad about the whole thing. I admit, I'm a little disappointed, yet I stand behind what I said. The point of all of this wasn't a happy ending, but it even starting in the first place. I hold no animosity towards anyone involved, because in the past few months I've learned more than ever before, and it would be selfish to be angry because not all of my dreams came true. Heck, if that was reason to be upset, I would have given up a long time ago.

It's true, a freak like me just needs infinity, and maybe if one day you change your mind and decide to trust in me, you might find it as well. And while there are many things still left unsaid, I am grateful for what was. She was right all those years ago. I am bulletproof and all I'm feeling right now, well that's life, that's what it means to put yourself out there. The thing is, I'm not afraid to move on, I'm actually quite excited. What lies ahead is a stream of endless possibilites and adventures, ones I'm bound to hold dear. I may look back every now and then, but you can be sure, I'll keep marching forward.

Inhale as profoundly as you can and laugh. Remember who you are and why you are here. You're never given anything in this world that you can't handle. Be strong and flexible, love yourself and love the people by your side. Always remember that all you have to do to survive, is take a step forward. You can go as slow as you want, you just have to keep walking, you have to keep breathing. But never forget, even in your darkest hour, that paradise is around the corner.

Hold to the love that you know...

"Do you remember the way things used to be?" She said as quietly as the wind. They gazed into each other's eyes, and suddenly everything fell into place. She held his hand as he fell to the ground, and she wiped his tears as they poured down his face, and she mended his wounds as blood rushed through. They somehow knew they would survive, because in truth, this was nothing compared to what they faced in the past. She smiled at him, and he smiled at her, and for a split second, the pain vanished without a trace. The sun prepared for slumber, and they sat near the ocean and did what they do best. They waited. Waited for the future to unfold, for the universe to make sense, and for their lives to transcend into what they were meant to be. They waited for someone to rescue them, all awhile never understanding that they already saved each other.

I really don't understand the world sometimes. Things that make absolute sense to me, are a mystery to others, and things I expect to happen, never actually do. I should be better at this, I know, yet I seem to be failing at every turn. It's not so much that I'm disappointed, I'm just so tired. For once, I wish things could be simple and would unfold without complications. What they don't tell you when you're growing up, is that denial isn't the worst thing in the world. It's the time in between, when you don't know, when you're not sure where you stand. That's what hurts the most, that's what I find too much to bear. I'm truly confused as to why this keeps happening, and I'm curious what I'm doing wrong. But mostly, I wonder if I'll ever be able to break free from the past, forget about the future, and live in the moment, for nothing else but the present.

It starts in my soul, then I lose all control...

People keep warning me of the road ahead. They pass judgement and offer advice, yet none of them truly understand. I know how this story ends, trust me when I say I do. But where's the joy in quiting? That's not what life is about, that's not what my journey is meant to look like. It doesn't make sense not to live for fun. Because I'll never really know, if I don't go, and I can't expect to shine, if I don't glow. My world is on fire, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Only shooting stars break the mold, and even from afar, this one is blazing. So how about it? Ready to follow me into the abyss?

Tell me something will you? How can two people, who are basically different in every significant way, come together in such a wave of shared experience? How can they even hold a conversation? And most importantly, why do you illicit such strong feelings in me? The thing is, in a way, you are everything I could have been, if I chose differently, and you're everything I was always afraid to be. And that fascinates me beyond reason. So what's the problem baby? The world will follow after, we just have to take the first step. Spring is coming without a doubt. I wonder what shall bloom, I wonder what shall grow, and above all, I wonder what shall forever be destroyed.

Feel the heartbeat in my mind...

So here's the plan. No more bullshit, deception, and lies. Just the truth, because after all these years, I'm so tired of the constant pretense. Games are for children and I've long outgrown them. While I may still need to figure a few things out, here's what I know to be true. I'm falling for you, I'm falling for you hard. And I realise it's meaningless to even say it, since it's quite obvious, but nothing is completely real until you write it down. I'm not sure, but I think you might like me too. I dare not claim if that's the case, yet somehow we found ourselves embraced in each other's arms, stopping time and forgetting the world exists at all. I don't want to change you or make you into something you're not, but I need you to accept that I'm young and fragile and compared to you, sorely lacking in experience. If anything, all I ask is that you take my circumstances into consideration, if you decide to move things forward of course. So now here I stand, unlike ever before, because this time, I'm not afraid, not one bit. I'm exposed to the elements and rain, ready to get soaked to my bones. With my heart on my sleeve, I exhale as if it was my first breath.

As your shadow crosses mine...

I come alive for you.

Moving through the morning light...

Feeling the past moving in,

letting a new day begin.

Hold to the time that you know,

you don't have to give up, to let go.

And to the memory that you keep,

remember when you fall asleep,

hold to the love that you know,

you don't have to move on, to let go.

Waiting in highest room, of the tallest tower...

In another life, perhaps, things could have been different, and maybe they still have the possibility to be. I just have to become more, I have to grow more, and ultimately I have to become better. Before, my fear was being vulnerable. The ability of another human being to tear apart my soul at any moment, was enough to keep me running. You see, once you feel such pain, once life and death make sure you experience it, you do whatever you can to shield yourself from ever falling so far. In the past few months, however, I've met people who made my insides come alive, without me being able to stop it. Some of you, I somehow know, shall stay with me forever, even if only in my heart. My smile became permanent, my laughter more frequent. You took away my doubts and gave me hope. But more importantly, for the first time in my journey, instead of wanting to run, you keep giving me every reason to stay.

It's that moment, when you've figured out how far you've come, and how far you still need to go. It's that moment, when you don't want to look back, and you can't see too far ahead. It's that moment when you realise, you're living for yourself and no one fucking else.

I don't have to move on, to let go...

It's funny. The more I try to deny it, the stronger and brighter the truth sinks in. There's no other way to spin it. I've been here before. Exactly here. The fact that what I wrote approximately a year ago applies to the letter of my present, is a testament to that. Indeed, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I won't stop trying to shatter the cycle though, of that you can be sure. I may take a break once in a while, and I might cheat a little, but I play the game no matter what. I love, lust and hope like I have nothing to lose, because I actually don't. I'm not afraid of life and I'm not scared how I might appear or come across. And if all of that makes me someone you don't want to be with, or even spend time with, then I'm sorry to say, but you just passed on something that has, even still, limitless potential. So this is to all of you who left, who let me go. One day, you'll wish you hadn't.

Believe in love. Believe in magic. Believe in your dreams and your wildest fantasies. Hell, believe in santa clause. Believe in others. Believe in yourself. Because if you don't, who will? Jump off the edge everytime you can. Take risks, be bold and reckless and a little crazy. Don't let fear keep you down. Stand up and fight the battles which need to be fought and wars that need to be won. Do it for yourself. Do it for me. Do it for everything we created. Together we can break these chains that bind us. Together happiness will find us. Today I leave my past behind. Today my life begins.

Please be gentle, I'm still learning...

I take my time. I don't rush. For me it's a marathon, not a sprint. I'm fine with waiting. But know this. I live my life like a story I would want to tell someone. And while I might miss a few opportunities, and some chapters may be laced with doubt, you can be sure as hell, it's going to be a fucking epic tale.

Next thing I knew, we were playing as three...

I'm speechless actually. Never have I thought certain bonds could unravel with such speed and new ones could entangle with such conviction. Now that I think about it, I've always been this way. I fall in and out of love faster than anyone I know, and I'm not even sure it's love at all. It's a fantasy perhaps. Or maybe a story of unprecedented possibilities. I don't forget anyone though, especially those who leave without saying goodbye. I remember those, I learn from them, and I grow as much as I can, whenever I can. And if I keep doing that, I think I'll be able to survive, at least for now. I dare not claim what tomorrow brings, or if it even comes at all. I've long given up on charting my course. I just walk on this boulevard of broken souls and shattered dreams, never losing hope that one day, someone will find me, and make me whole again.

"No ... pa nadaljujmo," je rekel skoraj neslišno. Poklali so se že prevečkrat, da bi sploh še zaznali, kako zdaj že od krvi toplo rezilo, bode v telo. Predali so se. Ne življenju ali smrti. Predali so se drug drugemu in samemu sebi. Prav posebna zmaga za vsakega izmed njih. Niso se več sovražili, zdaj jim je bilo preprosto vseeno. Utapljali so se v apatiji in uživali ob melanholični melodiji v zraku. Čutiti je preveč bolelo, je preveč žgalo. In tako so obsedeli na strganem kavču in kljub okoliščinam, še vedno živeli. No ja, ne ravno živeli. Obstajali morda. Ali pa še to ne. Ne vem več. 

My bangers, beans and mash...

Look at the stars,

how they shine for you,

and everything you do.

You came along,

and I wrote a song for you,

and it was all yellow.

Your skin, your bones,

they turn into something beautiful,

and I swam and jumped across for you.

Oh, what a thing to do.

What a thing to do, and it was all yellow...

While I'm already used to expect the unexpected, this one really came out of left field. No one ever told me that once you open your heart to someone it's a lot easier for others to get in as well. It was just a look at first, a simple glance, yet from the second I saw you, I knew we'd mean something to each other. From there, all we needed was an awkward introduction, and before we even realised it, we were gazing into each other's soul, forgetting time exists at all. I hate to admit this, but as the gloomy street lights paved my way home, I couldn't stop thinking about the one who started all of this. I wondered where you were, what you were doing, and who you were doing it with. But mostly I wondered if in this exact same moment, you might be thinking of me as well. But then I reminded myself that if you wanted to see me, you knew that all you had to do was ask. The moon smiled at me, and I smiled back, already accepting that this is the journey I was meant to track.

And so the boy with the dragon tattoo marched on towards his destiny. With a sturdy weapon in one hand and his molting heart in the other, he realised there was nowhere else he'd rather be. He was engorged with lust and passion and heat, and no amount of defeat could dampen his resolve. His might shall be tested unlike ever before, yet he was calm and ready for what's to come. He has learned his lessons and he has payed his dues. Now all that is left to do is wage war like he has nothing to lose. And as the steel blades of thunder and enemies long forgotten march near, he sets loose a shattering battle cry. One heard until the depths and beyond and one felt till heaven and back. He no longer fights for just himself, he fights for all of you as well. Because without you, there would be no him, without you there would be no battle to win, because he would have already lost. 

I heard that rumour has it...

I've got my head stuck in the clouds again, and as I try my best to navigate to the surface, I am suddenly struck with a katarsic realisation. I guess it's true, you really can't get hit by lightning if you're not standing out in the rain and I've always liked getting wet. Soaked to my bones, I've come to accept that I never really wanted to find my way out. I love being way up high where no one can touch me. I love dreaming of everything that could be, should be, and maybe even can be. I love picturing people in my life just coming together in a wave of shared experiences and simply enjoying life. I love fantasies of the improbable and the impossible, especially when they involve Her, you and him. But most of all, I love that I always tell people how I feel and that I say what I mean, even when it's hard. Because you see, opportunities for happiness are lost in a blink of an eye, but regrets, they last for a lifetime.

It wouldn't be my life, if I wasn't waiting for something that will never come.           

Hoping you'll come alive for me...

The reason I find it so hard to be happy, is because I always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. When I have the courage to take a step back, and look at the bigger picture of my life, even my darkest parts can't deny that things aren't as bad as I try to convince myself they are. And while there are many things I still want, many things I still need, somehow I know that I'll make it whether I get them or not. And I'm sure of that, because I've given everything I possibly could, I did everything one is supposed to and everything most never dare. And if wearing my heart on my sleeve will be my downfall, then there truly is no other way I would rather go. Today, as I walked home through the misty twilight, one thing was clear. Never have I felt more alive than I do right now.

The most difficult situation one can be faced with, is deciding if you should move on or hold on a little longer. Move on, and maybe you'll lose a chance at the best thing that could have happened to you, or hold on, and have the possibility of creating something that could one day be the biggest disaster which ever transpired. I'm not sure where I fall right now, and in times like these, her advice shines brighter than anything else. She told me once that there is no greater achievement in life than knowing you made someone's dream come true. The thing is, I would give anything to be able to do so, I've just never been given the opportunity. So as I sit here as countless times before, I make a silent pledge. My dreams need a break, they'll be waiting for me for the rest of my life. Now I think, it's finally time I focus on making someone else's wildest fantasies come to fruition. Who knows, if I find someone who's willing to take a chance on me, I may just succeed.

Some of us just want to be abused...

In the stormy night, I'd fly away,

and I would travel the world and the seven seas,

everybody is looking for something,

who am I to disagree?

You make me move like a freak...

When I was just a boy,

I expected the world,

but it flew away from my reach,

so I ran away in my sleep.

And so underneath these stormy skies,

I know the sun must set and rise.

Now everytime I close my eyes,

I dream of being with you in paradise.

Now I dream of paradise...

You know, maybe there are some stories that aren't meant to unfold. They're so perfect, it's better they remain in my head. Reality wouldn't do them justice. As the truth I knew all along firmly stands ground, I do not feel remorse or anger. Even I'm surprised that the only thing I feel is gratitude. Gratitude for the excitement and thrill that ran through my veins everytime I waited for our interwoven circumstances to unwind. And while there could have been so much more, I'm happy there was just enough to ignite a part of me I thought had been broken too many times to heal. I'm moving forward with the same conviction as always, yet this time, thanks to you, the grin on my face is a little more convincing.

You can call me many things. A crazy romantic, a sentimental fool, psycho. But one thing I am not, nor have I ever been, is a coward. Sometimes I may come across as desperate or out of my mind, but at least I go for it no matter what. Life goes on, even when it gets so heavy we almost can't stand it. So as I close my eyes and let go of all my doubts and thoughts of humiliation, I am overwhelmed with a sense of accomplishment. I wouldn't have wanted to handle it any other way than I did. I am raw and flawed, and anyone who can't accept that, doesn't deserve to experience how sometimes, even I can make your dreams come true. And that is how this chapter ends, for the story of my awakening has only just begun.

But when you're with me, I'll make you believe...

This one's for you.                                                                                                                                       .
The girl who came out of nowhere and landed right in my reach with circumstances so bizzare that I can't even begin to describe them. The girl who puts up with more taunting and endless torture because she knows I tease people I love the most. The girl who I call first to tell about my big news or just to talk to someone who understands and listens. The girl who picks me up at any hour and at any place, when I'm too love struck to remember how to get home. The girl who makes me laugh without even trying and makes me feel better without even knowing how. The girl who loves tequila as much as I do and isn't afraid to make mistakes. The girl who pushes me to persue my silly dreams. The girl who wouldn't give up something if it makes her happy, and would never let me do the same. The girl who puts up with my drama and never questions my intentions. The girl who I adore more with each passing day. The girl who is the friend I always wanted, needed, and hoped for.

This is to you.

Shoot me down, but I won't fall...

Turn of events have been quite predictable actually. As of yet, the universe has been consistent with what it gives, offers and takes away. My life, it seems, is predetermined to unfold in ways I can see coming from miles ahead, yet still, everytime, they knock me off my feet. I've been thinking a lot about the decisions that led me to you, and I can't help but wonder, if maybe I'm not even supposed to be here. In the grand scheme of things, I'm just another boy who fell for you. And even though I stopped it from going further, that night still meant a lot to me, more than you'll probably ever know, more than I'll ever admit. It's funny how we're sometimes given things, just so they can be taken away. And it's not even about love or lust or passion anymore, it's about reaching for eternity and coming back empty handed. It's about everything this thing that is not a blog was always about. It's about me being stuck together in a world that never stops trying to tear me apart.

If there's a crisis, we don't freeze, we move forward, and we force each other to march on. Because we've seen worse, we've survived worse, and we know we'll manage to overcome this as well. For we may be dark and twisty, but it's not a flaw, it's our strength. It may make us awkward and weird, but it's who we are, it's who we've always been. And as long as we have each other, I know we'll endure anything the universe throws our way. Because in the end there really is no other truth, than accepting that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of, it's just life.  

Forever a little of your taste in my mouth...

And with a single kiss, the curse has been broken.

He's coming to take the pain away...

I dont think I've ever wanted to kiss anyone as much as I want to kiss you. You are by far the biggest crush I've ever had. And I know I sound like a sappy teenager but what I feel transcends reason. Have no fear, I shall survive this too, even though I'm quite certain it will hurt unlike anything before. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do for you right now, and I realise that makes me weak and fragile but I can't help myself. I give to you my heart. Eviscerate it, if you so please. For it does not matter what you do, because the simple fact that I was able to find someone who makes me feel alive again, is enough. Tomorrow can wait, because tonight, I am dreaming of you.

As the saying goes, every road comes to an end, but sometimes the end feels just like the beginning. Even when you think you've come a long way you can suddenly find yourself right back where you started, because every journey is frought with twists and turns, and one false step could spell disaster. But no matter what, you still have to stay the course and forge your own path. There's no going back now. And it looks like this one, is going to be the ride of my life. 

We're ten thousand miles apart...

Just when I felt like giving up on us,

you turned around and gave me one last touch,

that made everything feel better,

and even then my eyes got wetter.

Maybe I've just been California dreaming

in this California king bed.

You won't get to see the tears I cry...

For the last couple of months I've been in what I like to call an intensive yes-phase. Meaning that I basically say yes to everything, especially things I would normally never even consider. It hasn't really worked so far, and come to think of it, most situations ended in disaster, but I'm sticking with it. Because you never know when a simple yes can completely change your life. Be it a blind date, a weekend getaway, a new friend, a new opportunity to write, I just go for it. Something has to hit, right? I've realised that when the universe is giving you the middle finger, all you can do, is give it right back. And while you may find regret behind my green and hazel eyes, you shall not find selfpity. Even though I'm barely hanging on, I can't pretend I'm not having at least a little bit of fun. If I lost my ability to laugh at myself, then I would truly be hopeless. So when I think there's really nothing more that can go wrong, and then something more does, I just look up to the sky, and smile. For there is no greater victory than finding amusement in your downfall.

Hodila sva tako dolgo, dokler nisva pozabila na čas. Pred nama se je razprostiralo širno zeleno polje. Spodaj je dražilo kolena, zgoraj je žgečkalo rdeče nebo. Najini čuti so pridobili še dimenzijo tega travnika. Brez vsakršnega dvoma sva vedela, da takšen kraj preprosto ne more biti z našega sveta. Narava ni dovolj ustvarjalna, da bi se spomnila česa tako osupljivega. Spleteno je bilo iz mladostniške domišljije, poletne vročice in esence poželenja. V vsaki bilki je sijal delček naju - intenzivno, a nekako neprisotno. Odsev najinih duš morda. Strmela sva v življenje samo, prostrano in neokrnjeno. Lahko bi prišla do konca, otipala njegov rob, celo odkrila nekaj povsem novega. Raje sva gledala drug drugemu v oči. Življenja naju je bilo še strah. 

Sweet dreams are made of this...

What do you believe in, when everything turned out to be an illusion? 

Do any of you remember that boy, who gazed so fearlessly into the future? With no thought of failure or defeat. I miss him, I miss him a lot. And it's not even about getting what I want, it's about receiving what I need. I've already accepted that I'm simply not one of those people who'll get to experience happy ever after, but I think everyone deserves something great in their life, at least for a while. It feels like an eternity has passed since I felt the warmth of another. I imagine myself embraced in your arms. You don't have a face or body, you're just there. Mine. As I listen to the soft beating of your heart, I am reminded that I have one as well. And then for a somber moment, I feel as though nothing will ever be better.

A few years after you died the hurt began to fade and it was easier to let go. At least I thought it was. But in every person I met, I found myself looking for you. A familiar touch, voice, smell. It didn't matter what it was, as long as it made me think you're still here with me. When the feelings got too strong, I'd write you another letter. Even though there is nowhere I can send them, and even though you'll never get to read them, they keep me sane. I vowed to never forget all that you gave and sacrificed to give me the life you thought I deserved, and that's a promise I intend to honor, even if it means losing myself in the process. 

Just shoot for the stars and aim for my heart...

Days like today don't come around often. Nothing really happened, but in fact, so many things actually did. Change doesn't always have to roar, sometimes it can be a gentle breeze, and it doesn't even have to change all that much. Subtle and unsubstantial, yet ever so important. A promise made my the mind, sealed by the heart, and forever embbeded into the soul. Many of you have laid witness to my journey, some of you even helped me steer the wheel, and then there's those few, who completely changed not only the rules, but the game itself. I welcomed some, dreaded others, yet every single one of you made me who I am today. I'd say I'm grateful, but the truth is, who I am, is still not good enough. I need to become more, I need to reach higher, I need to dream bigger. I know I'll never transcend, but the beauty of my life is that I'll never stop trying.

It's laughing with your friend at a time you know you shouldn't. It's the sweat on your palms when you'd give anything just to talk to someone, and the pit in your stomach and throat when you actually do. It's being touched by hands that aren't your own. It's the thrill of an escape that almost wasn't. It's the embarrasement you feel, when you utterly give yourself to someone else. It's helping a friend find something they lost. It's a smile, a joke, a song. It's whatever you like doing and everything you like remembering. That's what it's about. That's what my life shall be from now on. So how about it? Do you want to jump with me?

Only we know what it's like to be mistreated...

But my dreams, they aren't as empty

as my conscience seems to be.

As I reached out my fingers...

I will always be one of those people who look out the window instead of being in the room. It's just who I am, it's who I'll always be. I tried to change, trust me when I say that I gave it my all. I flip between personalities, communites, families, yet the fact that I'm an outsider always remains. Tell me the secret, I beg you. I'm certain some of you know. You must. Please, just enlighten me. How do I belong? How do I fit in? How do I love, without being scared to my bones? How can I live with no thought of what can go wrong? Tell me, how do I let go and just be free?

I hate it when people tell me that they can't believe I've never been in a serious committed relationship before. What's so hard to believe? I've just never been good enough for anyone. And I know it takes patience and time and effort, but there comes a phase when even trying seems pointless. I keep running into the same obstacles. And while circumstances change, the end result is always the same. Me, in my room, pouring my heart and soul into words that will never truly be read. I don't understand, I really don't. One day I was walking towards my dreams, then suddenly I got lost. And to this day, I cannot find my way back. A maze like no other, more perilous than one can imagine, and guarded by monstrosities of unequal terror. The only thing that can save me, keeps slipping from my fingers. So now I wonder, if my time will ever come.

You gave me one last touch...

Eye to eye, cheek to cheek.

Side by side, you were sleeping next to me.

Arm in arm, dusk to dawn with the curtains drawn,

and a little of last night on these sheets. 

But in this California king bed,

we're still ten thousand miles apart.

The only one in the world, who won't be home...

If he could learn to love another, and earn their love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he tumbled into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?  
                             .
I'm telling you, you don't want to fall for me. You don't want to even be with me. I'd make a terrible boyfriend, as I always knew I would. I'm horrible at keeping in touch with people. I'd forget to call, I change my mind way too often and I can't seem to live without some sort of drama. I love going out with friends, and I can't settle. I've fallen in love and had my heart broken, more than once by the same person. I've lost the pieces so don't bother trying to put them back together. I'd never cheat on you, but I'd make you worry. You really don't want to fall for me. But I'm definitely falling for you, and if it's ok, I want to change all those things about me, just to be with you.

In tako sem tri leta kasneje sedel v isti kavarni in bral svoje zgodbe in ko sem pogledal skozi okno, je na drugi strani stal zamaskiran moški, ki je v rokah držal kamen in baklo. Bil mi je tako znan, kot brat, kot ženske, ki so vsak dan kupovale sadje na tržnici, in kot tisti fantje, ki so jih poljubljali. Naslednji dan sem se vrnil na svoje mesto ob šanku in na svojem mestu sem obsedel tudi potem, ko je padla prva molotovka, pa druga, in sedel sem, ko so domoljubno prepleskali pročelje z vsemi slovničnimi napakami vred. Tako sedim vsak dan, pišem svoje zgodbe, jih berem in ni zadosti ognja na tem svetu, da bi me pregnal. 

Standing by, waiting at your backdoor...

I'm speechless, because I was wrong. You are flawless. And once again the universe has proven how I'm nothing more than its bitch, who she can play with, who she can control. There could have been no greater taunt, no greater lesson in where my place is in this world. You are without question, far beyond anything I could ever aspire too. Perfection personified, in a way very few things are. You are the essence of every broken dream I've ever had. That's why I feel so intensely about you. I guess in my twisted mind I believe that if we'd be together, I'd be able to repair all the other shattered pieces as well. One day I'll look back at these times, and think; that's when my life changed in every imaginable way. I knew from the second I saw you that you would transform my world. The funny part though, is that you'll never know, that you'll never be mine. I however, will always be yours. All you have to do, is make a move. Go ahead, I dare you.

You can recall the creases caused by the smile on a loved one's lips or the way tears crept to your eyes. But pain is hard to put into words and in life there is always pain. It is as natural as birth or death. Pain shapes us. It teaches us and tames us. I can destroy us and save us. But always, without exception, when it happens, it takes our breath away. It turns us into stone, and then we have to be strong enough to break through the tough exterior. What's left is who we are, who we're meant to be. I'd like to believe each and every one of us represents a star in the pitch black sky. We can shine with the rest, sometimes we twinkle alone, and sometimes when we least expect it, we make someone else's dream come true.

Winter is coming...

I don't think I've ever been so infatuated with anyone, so in love. It's everything about you. I'm not even bothered by how awkward and socially retarded I acted when we finally got to spend some time alone. And I don't care if we'll never be a real couple. Because it's the kind of love that need not flourish. The fact that it exists, is amazing enough. You were everything I had hoped you would be, and nothing I feared. You're not perfect, far from it, but the thing is, neither am I. We met half way, well at least in my version of things we did. I can't even see clearly anymore. All my senses are engored by your fiber. Your smell, your taste, your laugh, they echo in my heart. I can't stop shaking. I can't stop laughing. The game has changed it seems. This time in a way I didn't think was possible. And I'm loving every minute of it.

An ending I saw from a mile away, but still, it takes me by surprise, when the truth shines clear and bright. I can't even pretend I didn't know all along. It's just so personal this time, and so profoundly more complicated. I guess it was just another silly dream. You were too in love with yourself to notice me falling apart at your feet, and I was too busy holding on tight, to realise the ground beneath me was sinking. I hope that one day we meet again, and when you see me, your heart stops. We'll look at each other and remember how things used to be. But as we both know - you pushed me away. I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there was no one else you'd rather be with and that you'd rather be alone than without my hand in yours. I wanted that person from the beach, telling the whole world that our friendship will never die.

You go back to him, and I go back to black...

You went back to what you knew so far removed,

and I tread a troubled track, my odds are stacked,

I guess I'll just go back to black.

It's the price of an artist the price of my dreams...

Guess I'm not meant to be with you right now,

but I'll wait here for you, 
I don't know how.

No matter how much I want you to stay,

it's a life of solitude that I must pay.

So please hold me tight, 
and say we won't fight,

because our days are numbered,
 before we take flight.

They'll never know your story the way I do...

Čakam. Še vedno ali že spet? Ne vem več.

                                                                                             

I think I got left behind somewhere. As it seems, most people don't have patience for hopeless romantics. I don't belong in this era, because there's far too few of us, and finding each other has never been easy. The worst kind of people, I've found, are those who have no real problems to speak of. Those more often than none, simply make them up. A disease, a disorder, a lack of selfesteem, it makes them feel special, and above all alive. Sometimes I envy their determination. It takes a lot of effort to convince yourself of something which never was and never will be. I envy them, because at any given moment they can decide to stop pretending, and just be normal. How I wish I had that luxury. I'm ashamed to admit how fast I would take the opportunity; how quickly I would accept that life, that love. She once told me that happiness is for the ordinary. Perhaps one day, I can prove her wrong.

Nevermind I'll find someone like you...

I'm at a loss for words really, even though I know there are so many things that need to be said, that need to be explained, that need to be told. It was as if nothing had changed, yet everything did in a way. It was easy to fall back into old patterns, but where we were, is somewhere I definitely don't want to be again. The road ahead has to be greater, we have to be greater. Circumstances are different and I'd like to believe we're better people now, better friends. I don't know though, I'm at a point in my life, where I'm more skeptical than ever. Perhaps this is our second chance, perhaps it is nothing more than a twisted joke from the universe. I dare not claim what it is, but whatever the future might hold, I'm confident in my resolve. I realise there are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept, things we don't want to know, but have to learn, people we can't live without, but have to let go. I wonder still, if you're one of them.

People always leave right? Well sometimes, they come back.

Please hold me tight...

There is no elaborate plan here, no notion to impress, no thoughts of grander. Just me and my story. How wierd is it, that even after everything, I still think the world is such a beautiful place. Magic is all around, we just have to open our eyes. Be it an unexpected new friend, who does everything all those who preceded never wanted to, or never could. Or be it a single touch and smile from my crush, or just the simple fact that twilight illuminates my path home. It's wonderful actually, how no amount of defeat can dampen my spirit. And I think I owe it all to you, and this thing that is not a blog. When I started I never imagined how much it would mean to me, how much it would change me. An unexpected twist in an already chaotic journey, and to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by what other people think. Don't let the noise of others drown out your inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. Don't waste your time asking why such an amazing thing could happen to you, just let it happen. Don't doubt that you could be loved, just let yourself be loved. Don't ask why, it's such a wasteful question. Why? Because that's the way it's supposed to be. That's the only answer you can have. Accept it. Live it. 

So I threw us into flames...

You set fire to my heart,

 but you didn't rise to claim it.

Now there's a side of me

I never knew, that was never really true.

The games we play I never seem to win,

I can never set fire to the rain.

Out of my league...

I wonder how I can step forward, when I've yet to forgive what lies in the past. How can I love someone for who they are, yet want to hate them for what they've done? I guess what it breaks down to is this - there are always going to be those defining moments, the times which make us, or break us. Build us, or tear us apart. And whichever path we may choose, there are consequences of equal value. It's a true test of what we stand for, where we came from, and where we're going. These are moments that we live for, breathe for, fight for. They leave imprints in our hearts, shaping our souls, impervioulsy and forever. In the end I am confronted with the simple truth that if I want to be free of the past, I have to forgive it. And forgiving may mean letting go. And so that's what I'm going to do, that's what I've already done. Now all I have to do, is take a step forward.

He knows it doesn't make sense, that it's never going to happen. Yet still he dreams and hopes and wishes. They are too far above, they always were. His wings were cut off long ago, and now he has no way to reach them. As he gazes into their eyes, and as he lays witness to their happiness, he is overwhelmed with a sense of desperation. All the things she said, were never true, he can accept that now. But still it burns when he cries, because tears scream out his name. Some say he is going the wrong way. But the path is just his, away from the rest, right through the meadows towards his goal.

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables...

Close enough to start a war,

all I have is on the floor.

God only knows what we're fighting for,

all that I say, you always say more.

Under the haunted skies 

I see where love is lost,

I see where your ghost is found,

and as hard as you try, 

I will never defy.

How the mighty have fallen...

I am content with where I am. I've said goodbye to people I never thought I would, but I've also said hello to a couple of new one's as well. The agony of holding on, was just so much greater than the pain of letting go. So I did, and now I'm heading for limbo. Even though life keeps closing doors and shutting windows, I know I'll endure. Because if anything, I've always been handy with a sledgehammer. I was a fool to think it would be easier this time, I realise that now. It's not supposed to be simple. It's meant to be the hardest thing I'll ever do. I've lost my fear of failure and it's been the most liberating experience I could have imagined. As I look around and see the shattered pieces of all which once was, I make s silent pledge. Never again shall I settle for less than I deserve.

I'm not sure when my story began, and I certainly don't know how it's going to end, so I guess what you're reading is everything in between. All I can hope for, all I've ever wished for, is that some of you will come along for the ride. As much as I hate to admit it, I can't do it alone. And come to think of it, I don't want to do it by myself anymore. I don't want to be self-sufficient, I don't want to be strong, I don't want to walk this empty street with my head held high. At the core of it, I think I just need to belong. Because together we are so much stronger, so much louder. This might be another one of my fantasies again, but I don't care. Rather a boulevard of broken dreams, than a life without them. I'll set fire to the rain, just wait and see.

We can always party on our own...

There are days, when I wake up in the middle of the night, and ask myself; where have I gone wrong? A voice quietly whispers; this is going to take more than one night. And then I laugh as loud as I possibly could, until I fall asleep again. This game we play, called life, is just so confusing to me. The rules keep changing, the scoreboard never seems even, and I find it difficult to identify a way to win. And if it's not about winning, then what is it about? I just have so many questions, still after everything. I need a new game plan, of that I am sure. I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg people to be my friends, to be nice to me, to show me they care. I'm not giving up though. I'm sure they're out there, I just need to find them, and then try my best not to drive them away. Perhaps someone as flawed as me or maybe someone who has it all figured out. Or simply someone, who's willing to fight for me, someone who doesn't make me want to run, but gives me every reason to stay.

At the beginning of this year, I was petrified and confused, so I made a steep turn left. Right through the bushes and trees into the decrepit abyss of the unknown. As the wildlife slowly creeps in to devour me, I let loose a silent scream. It is far from over. Mark my words when I say that the fury of battle, the sincerity of life, and the amusement of freefall, have just begun.

Sometimes it lasts in love or it hurts instead...

As you know, I'm not good at goodbyes, but I guess that's what this is, a real one for a change. Because as much as I thought I wanted us to be friends, I guess what I want more is to be one of those people, who lives every moment of his life without indecision and without regrets. Someone who dares to disturb the universe without a thought to the consequences, and you're just not one of those people, at least not yet. Maybe you'll prove me wrong about that one day, hope you do, but who knows? I'm not mad or angry or resentful. I had just wished and hoped so hard you could be the one thing I could finally count on. And even after it's all said and done, I still think you're amazing. I'll cherish every moment I ever spent with you and every smile you conjured on my face. I'll forever be thankful someone like you was brought into my life, even if it had been taken away so soon. See, you came at a time, when I was further gone than you will ever know. You're not poison, you were my miracle, and I'll never forget that. I'll miss you as I stumble down this road. I wish I was heading towards you, but as it seems, I'm only moving further away.

Old friend, why are you so shy? You shouldn't hold back, and hide from the light. I dreamt you settled down, that you found your girl, and you're happy now. I saw that your dreams came true, I guess they gave you things, I couldn't give to you. I hate to call out of the blue, uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you'd hear my voice and you'd be reminded that for me, it still isn't over. You know how time flies? Only yesterday was the time of our lives. We were born and raised, in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days. Nothing compares, no worries or cares. Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Here comes the rain again...

Že spet ista zgodba,

že spet iste skrbi,

še vedno ista poezija,

še vedno ista kri.

My life without me...

This is you. Eyes closed, out in the rain, being soaked to your bones. You never thought you'd be doing something like this, you never saw yourself as one of those people. The ones who like looking up at the moon, who spend hours gazing at the waves and the sunset. You love being like this - fighting the cold, feeling the water seep through your shirt and getting through your skin, the feel of the ground growing soft beneath your feet, and the smell, and the sound of the rain hitting the leaves. You've become all those things they talk about in books you've never read. This is you now. Who would have guessed?

I go out. I party like never before. I have endless conversations with friends, but I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. I want to take all the drugs in the world, even though I know they aren't going to change the undeniable truth, that my whole life has been a dream, and it's only now that I'm waking up. I'm not fully awake though, a part of me is still deep in slumber. So as I wait for that one single kiss to bring me back to life, from the one who makes me tremble and shake inside, I close my eyes and imagine a future without me. I wonder what would be different, if anyone would miss me, and most of all if maybe some would even be happier. The answers scare me, they kill me actually. Because a memory, is something I've yet to be.

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it...

I can't believe I let myself think it would be different this time, that it would be easier, that I would somehow be able to transcend. I admit, I floated high above, with dreams more vast than anything before. Now as I lay where I've always been, I can't help but smile. It's so histerical in a way, so profound. How during these four years, as I've been searching for myself and a place to belong, I've literally come full circle. I recognise these feelings, I recognise the faint smell in the air and the gloomy sunrise, which fails to enlighten the darkest corner of my room. I recognise my reflection and the hint taste of straberries in my mouth. It's genious, it's poetic, it's a tragedy in its purrest form. But I need to make one thing perfectly clear - in no way am I depressed about my reality. I've long accepted the role I've been given to play, and I shall do so with regard, with dignity and an everlasting grin on my face. I may come here and vent, but mark my words, my resolve has never been stronger.

The way I tingle and slighty shake when I see you, the way I am at a loss for words when our eyes meet, the way I glance your way every chance I get, the way I yearn for your attention, the way I nearly lose my breath when you touch me, but most of all the way my heart races everytime I think of you. That's the way I want to feel forever, that's the way I want to live, that's the way I want to love. I may never get it, I may never claim it as my own, but that has never really stopped me before. I am nothing without my dreams, without my fantasies, and I adore that about myself. Who's to say they won't come true this time? Who's to say I won't get everything I've ever wanted? Maybe just this once, I might just do. 

She promised me she'd be around...

Remember when we were such fools,

and so convinced in our friendship,

and just so cool?

Someone said a year from then,

you'd be just a memory,

a wound I'd have to mend.

But I didn't know better,

because you said forever.

My darling, until we meet again,

it's your look I'll cherish to the end,

and always think: who knew?

Falling from the stars, becoming who we are...

I hate that I still feel the need to write this thing that is not a blog. I hate that I still have to work out things I should have accepted a long time ago. I hate that I'm still stuck together, yet torn apart by my nevervanquishing desire to be noticed, to make a difference, to be a memory. But most of all, I hate how I don't hate myself anymore, because now when I break down, I don't have anything to fall back on. I don't know who I'm becoming, but I do know who I don't want to be. I'm scared I might end up exactly where I was, exactly where this whole thing started. It would be poetic in a way, even ever so slightly romantic. Oh how I wish I wasn't such a sentimental fool, perhaps then things would be easier. Perhaps I'd be happier. Perhaps I'd even be in love.

As I lay on the bathroom floor, still aching from all the vomiting, with the scent of rotten tequila in the air, it dawns upon me. I didn't embark on a new journey, I'm still walking the old one. What I thought was a new beginning, was just a crossroad in this long and perilous quest. The last five years have gone and passed, yet I'm still searching for the same thing. I think I always will be. But there is something different, though. I'm different. You can barely see it, but it's there. A new sense of belonging, of self awareness. I have a long march ahead of me, but I'm actually looking forward to it. Each mistake I make, is just a due I have to pay. A toll I cannot avoid, nor would I want to. I am flawed, and that's ok, because you know what? So are you.

We can rescue the world tonight...

I'm anxious, I really am. More so than ever before. I realise that in the past I've been full of bullshit, but this time I know it to be true, because I truly have no idea what I'm doing, or where the fuck I'm heading - and I love it. Now it finally isn't about the destination anymore, it's about the ride. So even when I find myself overwhelmed, I just inhale a big breath, and suddenly all the ghosts, which torment me, lose hold. The present just seems so exciting, doesn't it? It's filled with endless possibility and hope. I roar, and for the first time in my life, I can hear the echo of my screams. No longer do I shout in vain. No longer do I gaze without intent. This is a new chapter for sure, and as I turn each page, I find myself feeling content, I find myself feeling alive.

I love how they make me feel. I love how they enlighten details I could never see. I love how they accept me without questioning, without fear. I love how they made me love myself again. It's everything about them. Every touch lights me on fire, sets me ablaze. And even though I walk on virgin territory, with my innocence intacked, I'm not afraid of what lies before me. It was always meant to unfold this way, I was always meant to walk this road. I'm through apologising for things I cannot control and I'm through with being laced in selfdoubt. I've taken the first step, now it's time to leap. Now it's time to fly.

A requiem for the dreamer...

Ripping through like a missile,

ripping through my soul.

The innocent will never last...

I don't write because I want to look into my soul. I write to see if I have a soul at all. And as I contemplate recent developments, I can hardly grasp the way things are about to unfold. We never think something like this could happen to us. We never think we could be the one who gets hit by lightning. But when the day comes, when we have to face our fleeting mortality, something changes within us. Something important. The problems we had, suddenly don't seem so scary anymore, and as I reexamine the people in my life, I realise we are friends more so because of necesity, than actual desire. And that thought terrifys me. It kills me. The truth and all the agony which comes with it, is right around the corner. So now I wonder; who is going to save the world tonight? Who shall bring me back to life?

When you died, I used to constantly look for people to replace you. Someone to talk to everyday, someone to believe in, someone to trust, someone to love, someone to have the time of my life with. I searched far and wide, and a few times I thought I stumbled upon the real deal. I could see the reflection of your face in their eyes, even if it was ever so distant. I could hear patterns of your voice when they spoke, and I could smell you faint presence, when we hugged goodbye. I stopped looking though. I learned some people really can't be replaced. I doubt I'll ever find someone better, and everytime I admit that, a piece of me washes away. In my darkest hour, I remind myself that I was lucky to spend any time with you at all, and then for the briefest of moments, I can breathe again.