It's time to pick a side...

The glue that holds me together...

Did you ever wonder why we don't just collapse under the pressures of life and why we always seem to find a way to move on, even though we feel like we have nothing left to live for? Why am I still here? Why do I keep going? The universe has sent me so many signs that it is never going to happen, yet I still allow thoughts of what could be to surface within my fragile mind. To this very day I have the same dream when I go to sleep, over and over again, forever haunted by the sheer possibility that it might come true...

I am weak. I don't have the power to let it go. I tried, I really did, but when something is so profoundly secluded behind the four walls of my very existence, I simply can't pull out a magic wand and make it go away. It will probably always be there. Reminding me of what could have been, if only I hadn't been so careless...

The war has been long. Sadly there have been very few victories. Actually there haven't been any so far. But I won't stand before you defeated. I'll be damned before I let her win. I know what you're thinking. How can poor little Karr stand a chance? Well here's the thing. She may have a bigger army and countless resources, but I have something she'll never have; passion that drives me forward to pursue my dreams...

Something I never told anyone...

I'm awesome...

The awakening...

Polna ponosa si končno to noč priznaj,

z belo zastavo v rokah se predaj

in ne vračaj se več nazaj...

Oba skrivaj upava,

oba skrivaj sanjava...

All hail the king and queen...

I never had a lot of friends. Probably because I say way too many inappropriate things and I have this twisted sense of humor. People usually don't want to spend their time getting to know me and my world. I don't really blame them, because all the drama I bring to the table is surely hard to bear...

Yet somehow I found myself slowly connecting with a few individuals. I let my guard down without even realising it and things just started to unfold from there. I would have never expected to find people who were so like me, but at the same time so very different that I'm always guessing what's next. Amid all our issues we miraculously stumbled upon each other, forming bonds none of us thought we ever could...

So this is for them, for her and him, who made me a better person, who helped me get through all sorts of scandalous things, who never gave up on me, even though I sometimes pushed them away as hard as I could...

Now the only question that remains is: how long will it last? I know it's a strange thing to ask but I just can't shed my skin. Memories of betrayal and humiliation keep creeping into my mind. The ghosts of my past aren't allowing me to forget the moments that changed everything. They keep resurfacing as a never ending stream of emotions that bring forth pain and agony. But that's why I have my dear queen and king, who are there to help me shoo the ghosts away...

It's the season to be jolly...

Sometimes people will surprise you. It can be in the form of an unexpected gesture or a token of good will. But more often than none, the surprises in our lives come from people that we never would have guessed could let us down. The people we believed in so much, who we looked up to and idealised. With one single act, the illusion was destroyed. Nothing will ever be the same and all she did was say two words. Two words that ruined everything...

I'm probably being overdramatic as usual. But I'm far to stubborn to admit it. Is it so wrong to want things to be a certain way? Am I really being that unreasonable? Maybe my bar is set way too high, but I like it that way. Because if I still manage to get myself in situations like this, then it obviously isn't high enough...

She said that I set it up so far in the sky, because I want others to fail reaching it, so I can reaffirm my already made up opinion of their incompetence. Maybe she's right. Maybe I do set impossible standards. But here's the thing. It's not all about living up to them, the sheer will to never give up trying, is enough for me...

Harder, better, faster, stronger...

The devil wears black...

Did you ever decide to do something that you knew would almost definitely end very badly? Well I usually don't, but for some reason, this time, I just can't help myself. It will probably be very humiliating. People will probably say all sorts of things, they'll maybe even go so far as to shun me entirely. But you know what? I don't care. I allowed the same fools to bully me out of my life a few years ago and I'll be damned if I let them do the same thing again...

Who are they to tell me what I can or cannot do? Let them scream, let them give me looks, let them throw a few punches. At the end of it all, I'm better than them and they know it just as much as I do...

I wonder if they changed enough, if I changed enough. Maybe we'll find that happy middle that eluded us all. Or maybe we're destined to fight, to wage war against each other. Either way, I'm going fully armed, ready to take down anyone that might oppose me. With ammunition in one hand and hope in the other, I'm ready to take things up a notch...

It's nice to be nice...

I've decided something. From now on, I'm going to be nice. I'll let things slide, I'll forgive. Because life is series of choices. A big combination of moments, little ones that add up to big ones, which create who you are as a person. And I've just realised that I might not have made the best choices, but that doesn't mean I can't get back on track...

People ask me, what's your secret? Well I'm ready to tell you. My secret is, that I'm not afraid to shake things up. I'm tired of hearing people complain how their life is meaningless, how it doesn't live up to the image in their head. Shake it up people! Get out of your box. Even if that box is where you've lived for your whole life. It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone, people will tear you down, tell you shouldn't have bothered in the first place...

The secret though, is that there's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abusive things at you. Convince yourself that they are cheering for you, that they're supporting you, and if you try hard enough, if you don't give up, then some day, they will...

The Karr bitch project...

She was supposed to be the light amid all the darkness, a beacon of hope for the future. But of course the universe twisted the situation in a way that made her just like everyone else. I didn't deserve a break, or so it seems, even though I really need one...

I don't think I've ever been so wrong about a person before. The way she spoke to me, all of them would truly be proud of her. It's as if they trained her to say exactly the things that hurt the most. The funny part is that when I break it off, I'll be the bad guy. People won't be able to see through her image of innocence, the same way I wasn't able to in the beginning. How could I have misjudged her so much? She was supposed to be the one, the one who could have saved me, yet alas it seems, that she is going to be the one that will drown me...

The pain that is unbearable is the pain you don't see coming. And I couldn't have predicted this one in a million years. I just took an enormous leap backwords, one I wasn't willing to take. I won't go down without a fight, of that I swear. I won't give them the satisfaction, of knowing they won. She won't get away with what she did, I won't let her. Even if it means becoming the person, I vowed, I would never become again...

I feel like someone is watching me...

Another day begins,

the stars are falling down,

my dreams are fading now.

Your love is a symphony,

all around me, running through me...

The puppy episode...

Just for me the church bells rang...

It happened, I'm not really sure where, I'm not even sure when, all I do know, is that everything around me had this strange scent of strawberries. I was alone. At least I think I was. I'm not really sure about most things. I'm usually wrong, so it's quite possible that I'm wrong now as well. I was waiting for someone - my saviour. She was always late, but I guess that's what makes it fun...

Every time she comes, I'm happy, even if, for just a moment. What I don't understand though, is why does she choose to torment me so. Why does she feel I have to endure every possible kind of pain that exists? Grief, humiliation, shame, torture, betrayal...

They say, she is supposed to work in mysterious ways. But the truth is, all she's doing is having her way with all of us. Spinning us around her all mighty finger, making us abide by her every wish, making us do all sorts of inappropriate things, just so she can have her fun. I hate her. I really do. I've lost many battles, but I never lost sight of the war. And as it turns out, the drums of war, thunder once again...

Give peace a chance...

Did you ever wonder how big of an impact your death would have on the world? Would anyone notice if you were suddenly gone, if you disappeared? Would people cry and hail out your name? Would they feel lost without you? Or would everyone forget, sooner than they were told? Would people cheer your departure from this world? Would anyone care if you just stopped existing...

I'm all cooped up in my bed, still under the effects of certain substances that shall remain unnamed and all I can think about, is her. How big of an impact she had on everyone. How people to this very day, applaud her generosity, her kindness, her bravery. Yet it was me, who got to benefit the most from everything that she stood for. They respect me just because I am her flesh and blood. If only they knew the truth...

Will anyone miss you when you're gone? Will people feel a void in their life when you turn into ash? Are you afraid that you'll simply fade away, that no one will remember who you were or what you did? Well, I'm not. Not anymore. She showed me the way. The way to freedom. The way to immortality. I just hope that I don't make the same mistakes again and get lost within the hellhold I barely escaped from...

Our life is like a song...

Another day is behind me. It feels like the entire sky is falling down, that all my dreams are fading out. I've been keeping my eyes wide open. Looking for something, anything, that can make me whole again. But it seems like every dawn is fire bright, even compared with the city lights...

I keep thinking back, to all the things that went wrong, to all the things I let slip through my fingers. Though here's the thing, when it comes to things like love and happiness, we shouldn't be selfish, even if it seems logical to be, because we need to be wise enough to admit that sometimes who we are, isn't enough for the person that we care about so much. Just because they might be the right person for us, that doesn't necessarily mean that we're the right person for them...

So all that is left for us to do, is to give in. To raise that white flag and hope for mercy. At least when you do, you can feel like you did the adult thing, even if it does feel like crap. Because if you truly love someone, you must have the courage, the strength, to let them go...

The reason that this guy is blue...

We all have our crosses to bear. Some are larger than others, but all of us think that the burden we have to carry is so much more important than that of others. It's our nature I guess. To feel like we're the ones who have it worst, while the truth is that most of us have no idea what it must be like for someone, who life truly decides to test...

What's the point in wishing for something that will never come true? I'll never change into the person I dream about every single day. I'll always be that fool talking about god knows what. The same guy who writes this thing that is not a blog. And if that's not what you want, if that's not something you can handle, then you have to be the one to walk away, because to tell you the truth I am never going to have the will, to walk away myself...

I thought I would be doing this great thing. But now it's all over, before it even really started. So what are we supposed to do? After all we've been through it now seems that everything that felt so right, is wrong...

I'm here for your entertainment...

Le kdo mi zdaj ob strani stoji,

ko že stotič pod koleni boli,

le kdo zavida sanje,

ki v resnici jih ni...

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...

The game has changed. It is slowly starting to make sense. I still can't quite see the finish line, but I know it's close. I might be in the lead, though I'm not really sure. Up until I reach the end I'm always uncertain as to how I am doing compared to everyone else. I guess it's better this way, because without the ability to judge my progress on the basis of others, I make sure that I never let my guard down and expose myself to my longtime nemesis...

While the game itself transformed, the rules remain the same, as in, there are none. We play dirty, we cheat a little, sometimes we even stop to catch our breath, but all of us play to win. We all want to be the best at something, anything. The important thing to remember, is that we should never try to impose that something upon others. I tried it with someone recently, suffice it to say it failed miserably...

After a day like today, when so many dreams came true, and so many didn't, I can't help but wish that She would be here, so that I could have someone who would understand. She always did or at least she pretended to, either way it truly sucks that I can't share all of this with her. The funny thing is that I have no one else to blame but me. One moment of recklessness and everything changed, everyone changed, except for her, who was because of that single moment, lost forever...

My little corner of the world...

It's our last chance honey...

There comes a moment when all you can do is take a deep breath, close your eyes and jump. It's terrifying, not because the fall might hurt, but because it might just be the best thing I'll ever do. I know it sounds silly, yet I almost wish that it all doesn't work out, that I end up drowning in the vast ocean of unfulfilled wishes and broken dreams. I almost wish that I'd never find my way back and that in itself is really screwed up...

So I sit here and wait. I wait for her, I wait for all of you to lend me a hand and pull me out of the twisting nether. I can't belive how far I've sunk, that I feel the need to call for others to break me out, something I dreaded not so long ago. It just goes to show how circumstances change. I'm still not sure if people do, but I guess that's one more thing I need to figure out before I have the courage to jump...

I have a feeling something big is around the corner. I can usually sense these things and I hate that I do, because it would be a lot easier to simply not know and let everything surprise you as it comes. I can't ignore my senses, my instincts, no matter how much I wish I could. She's coming to claim what's rightfully her's. To impose justice and order. To balance the playing fields, that seem so drastically out of place...

The big bang theory...

I don't know who I am. I can't tell you how good it feels to say that out loud. To be able to just admit that I don't have all the answers and that I have no idea what I'm doing. But mostly I wonder still, why am I me, why are you you? Can I be me, without you. Can you be you, without me?

We all strive to figure out all these enigmas and more, but I haven't really met anyone who has been successful. We all feed on each other's confusion and deprivation. If only we once in a while looked more closely, beyond the superficial armor that all of us wear and see that we're all a lot more alike than we would like to admit. We're all looking for that thing, that makes us who we want to be. That thing that we can call our own and actually use to make our lives seem, normal...

I don't know who I am. I probably never will. And to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean what's the point if we reach a stage where we can't grow anymore, where we can't change. I hope I never do. At least that's what I tell myself in order to rationalise that I'm as lost as ever, between what is and what should be...

Stairway to heaven...

There's really nothing better than gazing up into the sky, filled with an endless stream of stars, while having a certain smokable substance in your hand that makes everything seem so, simple. The stars represent an endless stream of possibilities, to connect, to reach out to one another, to form bonds that make our life meaningful. At least that's what we like to think...

But in essence, all we're doing is running away. Fleeing from the cruel realities of our world, from the harsh circumstances that the universe has put us in and most of all we're running from ourselves. We can run as fast as we can, as long as we can, but at the end it will always catch up to us. The second the effects of the magical substance wear off, it's all over. We crash back faster than we escaped. And that moment, when you hit rock bottom, hurts like hell...

The sad thing is that knowing all of this, doesn't stop us from escaping, of giving in to the addictive nature of using something, anything, to forget how much the world isn't fair. How much we hate the things we do and how much we try to change who we are. The stars are comforting. Our addictions are rejuvenating. And if all that means I can get up in the morning, then nothing can stop me from running for my life...

Please don't stop the music...

Music played and people sang,

just for me, the church bells rang.

She didn't even say goodbye,

she didn't take the time to lie.

Bang bang, my baby shot me down...

My forbidden fruit...

Loyalty is a funny word. We use it far too lightly to describe our everyday interactions with others. We use it recklessly to rationalise why we form relationships. They say both should be based on trust, on mutual respect, and above all else, loyalty. But far to often we take it for granted, right up to the moment when someone betrays our trust and makes us realise just how imporant it truly is...

What makes a friend a friend? There are a lot of different theories, yet all have one single thing in common. The roots from which most of them sprout are derived from this strange concept of devotion. I don't give mine away that easily. It can't be earned in a day. It has to be earned day-by-day. And once it is given, it better never be broken, because if nothing else, I'm known for holding grudges...

But as I've learned, there is no such thing as loyalty anymore. We are weak, spineless. We do what we can to fit inside the box. But there are those who desperately try to break down the bars of our cage, and for them, it's certainly hard to find others that are willing to follow, to be faithful. I may be one of them, or maybe I'm not. I don't know anymore. The one thing I do know, is that the more I try to push away, the deeper I sink in...

The November issue...

I did it again. It just sort of happened. I didn't mean to do it. I swear it was an accident. I would never do something like that willingly. It's beyond my comprehension how I manage to do such stupid things. I just can't seem to learn. And for that, I have no one else to blame but me...

Why do I do the things I do, when I know other people can get seriously hurt? There is no excuse for my behaviour. But I need you all to know that I started out with the best of intentions. I guess I just wanted them to see it, to recognise it, the thing that makes them special. I guess that's what anybody wants. To be seen, to be accepted for who they are. I tried to help. I truly did. But then the lines, I set up as a safeguard, got blury. That combined with the fact that everything is in such a wierd place right now, created one big stinking mess...

I'm sorry I let you down. I don't know how much more I'll be able to say I'm sorry before it doesn't mean anything anymore. But I have this strange feeling, I'm going to find out...

I need you, to want me...

All that I am, all that I ever was...

Why is it that we can never just be happy with what we have? Why do we always want more? The second one of our wishes comes true, we start wishing about something else. The moment when we're supposed to be happy and grateful that our dream came true, fades away so quicky. It's funny if you really think about. I mean what's even the point then? Isn't it all about reaching that state of mind, where you no longer feel like you have to obsess about the future and you can be happy? Just where you are...

But no, here I am literally laughing about the fact, that I am once again exactly where I was. I'm barely keeping it together, even while writing this thing that is not a blog. It's just so hilarious...

Maybe it's a good thing. My ambition and never ending hunger is what got me here in the first place. Maybe it's just how I'm built. Because if that's the case, then I guess the only thing left for me to do, is to take myself apart and start putting the pieces back into something, that I'll one day truly be proud of. I have my work cut out for me this time. I just hope I don't end up building the same thing I built so many years ago...

Believe it or not, I'm walking on air...

In kaj nej vzamem, kaj pustim?

Na dlani je vse kar imam

in je pot, ki pozna

kraj brez kaplje dežja.

Na skalo na gori si rišem srce

in upam, da kamen prenese vse...

Written in the stars...

They say that the bigger your investment, the bigger your return. If you work for something really hard, if you're willing to go to all sorts of lengths to get it, you're supposed to get rewarded in the end. I can say, with absolute certainty and without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, that it's true...

But you have to be willing to take a chance. You have to be willing to fail. Because without the possibility to fail, there's no chance to succeed. They go hand in hand. But it's up to us to find the courage and endurance to just keep climbing up, because once we do, the view is truly inspiring. You have to understand you might lose it all. There's no other way around it. But if you take that chance. If you invest wisely, the payoff might just surprise you when you least expect it...

Good dreams, good dreams here to stay. Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away...

The age of discontent...

I just realised something today. It's not fair. It's not fair that I was there to fix her, that I helped her get through all her issues so that today, she can be happy. It's not fair that I don't get someone to do for me, what I did for her. She acted like she hated me most of the time, but I knew that deep down she was grateful. Because I never stopped budging. I never stopped asking. I never stopped caring. I was always there. Even if neither of us said a thing and we both stood there in silence. I was always there...

So now I ask her. Now I ask you. How is it fair that I'm still here? She's gone god knows where, doing god knows what, but I'm still here, where everything is the same. I do the same things. I wish the same wishes. I dream the same dreams...

But while everything here is the same, it's very very different. I'm lucky if I get through a day without wallowing in self pity. They treat me like... I was her hand, her shoulder, her saviour. And that is not difficult. It's unbearable...

Tainted obligation...

I don't admit this often, but... I'm exhausted. I'm burnt out from all the stress. All the wishing and hoping and all the drama that is my life, really take a toll on me. I try not to think about it to much. I try to just push forward and ignore the fact that I'm tired. But I can't outrun it. Sometimes I just have to concede that it caught up with me. And when it does, all I can do is bundle up and wait until it passes...

The hard part though, is that the rest of the world doesn't stop when I decide to take a break. They fuss and moan about me disappearing again. I can't really blame them, but one would think, that since I've ran away so many times before, they would be used to it by now. I guess it's a sign that they still care, or maybe it just means they like to torment me. It doesn't really matter anymore. I'm done with them. They can't be trusted and they're nothing more than means to my greater end...

The good thing about all this, is that the second I feel that I've regained my strength, I'm going to bounce back stronger than ever. I always did before and I'll do it again. I just need time. Time to think. Time to recover. Time to just let it all go...

Good boy gone bad...

I've always been a vindictive person. I don't think that people who betray me, or anyone else for that matter, should simply get away with it. An eye for an eye they say and I can't express how much I'm looking forward to plucking their eyes out...

Rome is burning, he said, as he poured himself another drink. Yet here I am near deep in a river of self pity. Here it comes I thought another self-indulgent whiskey soaked oldtimer preaching about how fucking great everything was in the past. And how all us poor souls, born too late, missed out on everything worth living for. The worst part was that I agreed with him...

Here we are I thought at the edge of the world, where all of us are so desperate to feel something, anything, that we keep falling into each other and screwing ourselves till the end of our days...

I'm chasing cars...

No man's land...

I hate that this always happens. I really thought that I caught the grasshopper this time. But as time and time again he somehow managed to slip away. He got away by a thin thread and as always I was so close...

I took a chance. I made a change. I thought that this was my moment, to breakaway. I so desperately need to. I try my best to belong in this world I was placed in. I really do. I keep trying to fit in as best as I can. I try to reach out, yet I feel like no one can hear me. I try to blend in but something feels so wrong here...

So I continue to stare out my window. Thinking and dreaming of what could be and if I'll ever end up happy. I'm willing to do what it takes. I won't stop running after it. I know I said I'd give up so many times, but I never really do...

One day I'll spread my wings. Just watch me. My day is coming. But until then all I can do is pray. Pray that one day I indeed do breakaway...

The truth is all we have...

I tried to move on without confessing something to myself. I know now that trying to do so was a mistake. I can't outrun it. I can't pretend it didn't happen. I can't convince myself it wasn't my fault. I can't even close my eyes, without the images of the unforgivable, appearing in my head. But what I can do is learn to accept the past and think of it as a guide for the future...

I don't know what's out there waiting for me. I've made my wish. I've charted my coarse. I did my best. Now all I can do is wait for things to unfold. They might unravel exactly the way I pictured it in my head or the outcome could be completely different from what I expect. I honestly don't care anymore, because there's nothing more I can do. I don't have the energy to keep hoping and wishing. There has been too much of that already. I've reached the point where my main concern is just getting through, one day at a time...

Ss here it is. The truth. The truth about everything, about everyone. I've been hiding it for so long that it doesn't even seem real anymore. But it is. The residue of it hurts to this very day. The truth is painful. It's terrifying. But at the end it's all I have left. And because it's the last thing I have, I guess I have no choice but to keep it to myself and hide it forever...

I'm nothing without you...

Have I been a siner?

A lover, a killer?

Cause the world I've discovered,

it feels nothing like my heart.

I want to embrace it,

or try to escape it.

Even fools, they say,

can find their way out of the dark...

I jump, she laughs...

Sometimes I'm so desperate to feel something, anything, that I'm willing to do things others deem crazy, irresponsible, humiliating, just to get that rush of emotions, any emotion. I guess the absence of them hurts far more than any amount of pain or humiliation my actions could bring...

The things I resort to, are probably all that and more, but what I realised today is that all this time people have been judging me on the basis of those acts, while it should have been I who judged them. Their reactions, to my cries for help, say a lot more about them then they do of me. The responses differ from person to person. Yet the patterns I've witnessed point to the fact that there are usually two kinds of reactions. Either they see through the selfdestructive act and start to sympathize or they start laughing...

I haven't really decided which I hate more. Both tell me a lot about the person. Actually they tell me all I need to know. And to be bold and honest, both kinds of people have no place in my life. At least not in a real kind of way. There is a third kind though. I believe they exist. They have to exist. Because if they don't, well, then I'm prety much screwed. Because here's the thing. When I jump, I want them to jump as well...

I'm the best me, I can possibly be...

They say that as human beings we never stop evolving. We supposedly learn new things up untill the minute we perish. Every single experience therefore presents an opportunity to grow, to better one self, to ascend to new hights. We're taught that we should always strive for more. More knowledge. More power. More respect. More money. The sky is the limit. Or so we're led to believe...

People rarely change. At least not in ways that truly matter. We all try to hide things we deem would criple our ability to succeed. We tell ourselves that we changed, that we're different, that we learned from our mistakes. But the truth is that most of us never do. Not because we don't try hard enough, but because deep down inside we didn't really want to. When that moment comes, when we accept every bit of who we are, we've reached the ultimate goal...

And after that, there's no more room for growth. We are what we are. Nothing is going to change that. So all this crap, we tell ourselves and the people around us, that we can change if they just give us a chance, is just another means of concealment. Because we're afraid of what might happen if the truth was ever revealed...

Some of those fears are justified. I mean people can learn to live with a lot of things. We can tolerate all sorts of different people. We can forgive countless indiscretions, atrocities and lies, because we realise that we all make mistakes and that in order to move on, we have to be forgiving. Though there are some things that we can't expect people to forgive. And when we've commited such an act, we musn't forget that just because others might not be able to forgive us, that doesn't mean that we can't forgive ourselves...

Sometimes you get what you need...

You can't always get what you want...

I hate him. I really do. He has everything I wish I had. He is on the path I dream about every single night I go to sleep. It's as if the purpose of his entire existence is to mock me. Taunt me. I try to distance myself. I try to forget about it. I distract myself as much as I can. I pray, I wish, yet nothing seems to help...

The world I so desperately want to enter has been closed of quite some time ago. But to this day I find it impossible to move on, to accept it. I keep tackling the door, but it never budges. Not even one bit. I pity myself for being this stubborn. I thrive in disappointment. I feed of the pain and anguish. It's how I've been ever since... It happened... I don't know how to survive any other way. I know it's over. I know the door will never buckle. I know that I can never ask for forgiveness. I know that I can never be forgiven...

I hate him. I really do. My reaction might be misguided. Simplistic. But none of that changes the fact that he managed to tear down the indestructible door. He succeeded where I failed. And for that reason alone he must be punished. The plan has been set in motion. He is going to pay. One way or another...

My tormented past...

Today I saw a spark. It was probably always there. I was just to blind to see it. A light at the end of the tunnel. Usually when I noticed it, even if just a glimpse, it always renewed so much of my strength. It gave me the power to push forward. The funny thing is that the light I saw today was so much more than that. It was a freaking ball of fire. The problem is that it's in the completely wrong tunnel...

Just my luck. Life is pushing me somewhere I no longer wish to go. I realised it isn't the right place for me. Yet the universe seems to be hell bent on keeping me on the path I chose so long ago. So what am I suppose to do? Just give in? Trust that I made the right decision and accept that obviously all the signs are pointing to the fact that this is indeed the right road for me? Or do I simply ignore it and go with my gut?

What awaits is an impossible choice. One of many I was forced to make in my relatively young existence. She never told me it would be easy. But she also never said it would be this hard. Most wouldn't understand. Most believe that I've got it as good as it can get. If only they knew what I did. Ironically it isn't nearly as bad as what I'm about to do...

She offers me protection...

Ever had a person just come up to you, give you a kiss, hold you real tight and say those tree magic words? It's one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. To know that you're loved. That someone cares. That you made a difference in someones life. It may seem like a small thing. Something most of us take for granted. But it's these little things, these little gestures that make this ride worth it. Or so I've heard...

It is something that I allowed to elude me all this time. Maybe some of us are just not meant to experience it. Maybe we just have to be patient for a while longer. Maybe we lost it amid all the sacrifices we had to make in order to get here. I guess in the end it doesn't really matter. The only thing that's imporant is that we never stop believing that we can get it...

Most of the time I don't know wether I'm right or wrong. I don't have time to stop and wonder, to plan my next move. I just keep moving faster and faster. I can't stop nor do I want to. Because when I do, I know that I would be forced to examine my actions and that would mean fessing up to things I'm not yet prepared to face. So I walk as fast as I can on this lonely road. Wishing that someone out there would find me. But untill then, I walk alone...

Hate to say I told you so...

Do what I want, cause I can,

because I wanna be ignored

by the stiff and bored.

Split and retrieve

cause I give and recieve...

If I don't try, I'll never know...

I've always been a dreamer. I dream about all sorts of things. From the fantasy about changing the world and being praised for my work and dedication, to the fantasy of social acceptance and dominance. There are countless others that I would never dare to speak of, but that does not mean that I won't try my best to make every single one of them come true...

Some are more far fetched than others. The hard part is distinguishing between those worth persuing and those that will sadly forever remain within the secluded walls of my mind. The only way to find out which is which, is to take that step forward and start doing something, anything to achieve it. I took an enormous leap today and to tell you the truth it was scary as hell. But not in the way you might think. Because I'm ready for the extremly realistic fact that I blew it and I'm never going to get it. I am strong enough to admit defeat when it's staring me right in the face. The scary part is the possibility that the dream just might come true...

I'm not prepared for it. I don't know how to react if it comes true. It's never really happened before and I hate sailing in uncharted territory. So how can I have everything I ever wanted if I'm to afraid to embrace it when it actually comes? I'm getting ahead of myself again, because the odds are that once more, as so many times before, the dream will forever stay just that. A dream...

Don't upset the rythem...

They say that we should always quit while we're ahead. That we should go out with a bang and that we should get out while we're on top. It's prety good advice. The problem is that we rarely know when our time has come, especially when it feels so good to be king of the hill and having everyone under your control...

I really want to follow the advice. I really do. Considering how things ended the last time I was in this situation, I would be a fool to make the same mistake twice. But as always I am torn. Torn between the person I was and the person I want to be. She told me once that in order to figure out where I want to go, I first need to make sure that I know where I've been. And I've been trying to figure that out for years, but I always seem to get stuck at a certain event that changed me forever... Murderer...

So I try my best to stay on the hill, where I have absolutey everything I need. But here's the thing. Just because I have everything I need, that doesn't mean that I have everything I want...

My love is vengeance, that's never free...

A premonition...

I hate making decisions. Especially between things that I deem are of equal importance. Because how can you ever know which one is right? Without experiencing both, passing judgement on which was indeed the right choice is impossible. Yet I just keep stumbling onto circumstances that fuel the battle between meaning and happiness. A battle that I have been fighting for what feels like an eternity...

I try to weigh the costs and analyse the benefits of both options. But it's really a lot harder than it sounds, because it's like comparing apples and oranges. Both have completely different advantages and disadvantages. Both present a unique opportunity, one that I can never get back, and as always I can't have both. I have to choose...

The funny thing is that I already know what I'm going to do. All I'm doing now is remorsing the fact that I once again can't have my cake and eat it too. One would think that I would be used to it by now. But to tell you the truth, it still hurts like hell, because I know that I can never go back and see what the other choice would be like. The best thing I can do now, is to stop obsessing so much about the future and try to focus on what's right infront of me. Because all the anxiety is pointless in the end, it only makes things worse. So I'm just going to stop. Stop worrying. Stop the paranoia. Just stop, and be here, just as I am...

Are you there tequila? It's me, Karr...

Ever since I was I kid, I dreaded the thought of dying. I can't count the number of times I wish I could live forever, to be immortal. I guess I was always afraid of the pain, afraid of disappearing, and most of all I was afraid of being forgotten. I was so afraid, that at one point I stopped living and started obsessing about how to reach the unreachable...

But now I no longer wish for immortality. I no longer fear death. I no longer wish I could live forever. Because here's the thing. It's because we are mortal that everything we do is so special. It's because we're never going to be here again, that makes moments so filled with joy and fulfillment. It's because everyone is going to be forgotten and none of our actions can be taken back, we know that life is simply beautiful...

The catch is that, once we know all that, once we know that every single moment is prescious, that all our mistakes, all our accomplishments, all our failures are never going to happen again, we acknowledge that this is it, that this is all we get. One chance. One shot. So lets face our mortality and make sure we enjoy it while it lasts...

Bon voyage...

The breakdown...

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, why it hurts so bad, the thing to remember is that it can all turn around just like that, because that's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe. That's how you survive...

Grief comes in its own time for everyone. In its own way. So the best thing we can do, the best anyone can do, is try to be honest and let yourself feel it when it comes and let it go when you can...

The very worst part is that the minute you think you've passed it. It comes all over again. And always, everytime, it takes your breath away...

A basket full of gossip...

It's strange, this need we have as human beings to know things about each other, to spread news, to spread lies about the people around us. It can be extremly fun but there comes a point where it can all spiral out of control and it turns into a flaming ball of fire that cannot be stopped until it burns everything to the ground...

The sad part is that the people who contributed the least, are usually the ones that get blamed the most. I wanted to stop the ball, I really did. But something inside of me, an instinct if you will, forced me to roll it down a hill...

They say that the best thing to do during a fire is to run away as far as possible and wait untill it goes out. But what if you're stuck in the middle of the blazing inferno with no way to escape? I'm stuck. Surrounded by the scorching tempest that I lit in the first place. Karma really is a bitch...

The glue that holds us together...

I have achieved quite a lot in my life. I have been praised for my work, for my dedication, for my talent. I recieved countless awards, earned privileges that seperate me from the pack and I have gained the respect of many. I came so far, because I decided on a path and went for it, no matter how many walls I had to tear down to get there. I was on my way and nothing could stop me...

But as always, nothing comes without a price. The alienation of my flesh and blood is what I was forced to pay. He views my success as his failure. He belittles himself because I grew taller than he did. He resents me and he makes me feel like I don't deserve all the things that happened, even though we both know I worked harder than he ever will...

We can either accept these sacrifices or we can try to fight it and have it all. I'm tired of fighting. Especially for things I never really cared about in the first place. He played his role and now I must play mine. I chose it long ago and I'm going to stick with it. There's a good chance that I'm going to regret what I'm about to do. Luckily I'm strong enough to simply not give a damn...

She's got magic to do...

As you might have figured out by now, I am one of those people that believe in karma. Even though I sometimes don't understand her, because she works in such strange ways. As all faiths she is hard to maintain, because all to often she seems like she doesn't exist and she fails us when we think we need her most...

But the imporant thing to remember is that the moment you stop believing she's there, you've already lost the battle. It's hard. It really is. Take it from someone who thought about giving up so many times you can't even imagine. But everytime I was close to throwing in the towel, I told myself that I just have to be patient a little while longer. She hasn't disappointed me so far. In fact karma works in such intriguing ways for me, that I really can't wait to see what she has in store for me next...

So I try my best to do things that she deems worthy. But all too often, I screw things up. I do things that I know will come back and bite me in the ass, that will haunt me for not doing the right thing. So here I stand, completely at her mercy, hoping and wishing she knows what she's doing...

'S wonderful, 's marvelous...

Don't you just love days when you can put aside all your worries and problems for a few hours and just enjoy yourself? Well today was one of those days for me and to tell you the truth it felt so good to not fight all the time for a change, to just hang and take in all the beauty while it lasts...

Days like this make me not want to go to sleep. Because I know that when I wake up tomorrow it's back to the drawing board. It's kind of sad when you really think about it. I mean isn't life suppose to be about looking forward to all the tomorrows and not being able to wait for what's to come? But here I am, wishing this day could last forever. Although the trully sad part of it all is that nothing really special happened today. The sheer lack of fights and drama is what made this the perfect day...

I find it unbelievable that it takes so little for me to enjoy myself. Just goes to show how far I've actually sunk. The good news though is that days like this give me hope. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe time does heal all wounds. Or maybe days like today is all I get, while I slowly, but surely sink away...

A grim discovery...

I was asked the most intriguing question today. If you could kill anyone, anyone at all and get away with it, who would you kill? I guess most of us like to think that our answer would be that we wouldn't kill anyone, because killing is so morally wrong, that we couldn't do it under any circumstances. But the more I thought about the question, the more I realised how disturbed my mind actually is...

As humans we like to think that we're socialised, civilised and that our rationality is what separates us from savage animals. But the truth is that we're no better, because we still really on our instincts, we keep folding under our urges and like animals we live in a society where only the fittest survive and more often than none our success comes at the price of another persons misery. So just like animals, it is in our nature to kill our enemies, to fight of our predators, to protect ourselves and the people we love. The only thing that's stopping us from crumbling underneath our basic instincts is that we're afraid of the consequences that we might not be able to handle...

There is no other deeper meaning to killing and death. We try to rationalise it with things like motives, but really, there is no such thing as a motive. I mean we see cases where people kill, because of something as trivial as an ipod. We tell ourselves that there's no way a human being would kill someone else without a concrete reason, a concrete motive. We do that because we simply don't want to admit that in reality there is no other reason to kill besides the urges that control us, the instincts that we succumb to as animals...

So to answer the question. If I could get away with killing anyone, anyone at all. I'd kill anyone, anyone at all...

How to dream...

It should have been me...

Rad bi dihu ves tvoj zrak,

ki jemlje sapo in moj dah.

A to ni dovolj za svet,

ki pravi da sm nor...

Ampak vsi slepih oči bodo jokal,

ko s strahom bitko bodo klal

in z begom sebe vrgl stran...

A crude awakening...

Today was a long day filled with drama, sorrow, betrayal and violence. Now that it's finished I'm angry at one man. He did such horrific things. He struck her down like she wasn't even a person. He took away a life. Maybe not in a literal way, but still, what he did was even worse than murder. At least in death she would have had peace...

I tried to do something. I really did. But it was as if something had bolted me into the ground. I hate myself for freezing. I should have been stronger. I always thought that I was. Afterwards I was so angry with him, for doing what he did. The rage I felt, was unlike anything before. All I could think about was how much he ruined her life with that single blow...

I now realise that my reaction was simplistic. Because I am not angry, I am sad. I watched as he did all those things. I watched with countless others. I faded away in the crowd. Those of us who rewarded him, those of us who watched and did nothing. Are we the condemned?

The end has no end...

There's no such thing as a fearless person. Every single one of us is afraid of something. There's the more obvious ones, like people who are afraid of the dark or spiders or something of equal insignificance. Then there are the ones who are a bit more interesting and are terrified of things like commitment or love. I've also met a few people that were oddly enough afraid of being great, of living up to their true potential, of being who they truly are...

I'm probably afraid of all those things, or maybe I'm not. I honestly don't know anymore. All I know is that the thing I fear most is the calm. The calm before the storm. The storm isn't that scary, because at least by now I know that the storm I can weather. It's the silence, the waiting, the part where you don't know what to expect that is utterly horrirfying...

So I sit quietly and peacefully in the calm. Wishing I could enjoy it and savor this moment. But it scares me. I don't like it. What if it stays like this forever? Then I guess I'll just have to create a little bit of thunder on my own...

The straw that broke the camels back...

I hate disappointing people. Even more than I hate disappointing myself. It's sad really but I just can't help but care what other people think. And the worst part isn't that I end up obsessing about all of my actions that let people down, the worst part is that I find it extremly hard to say no, to basically anything, to anyone...

So I try my best and work as hard as I can, to make sure I maintain the image that people have of me. I make sure I live up to other peoples expectations, because in a twisted way, by doing so, I also live up to mine...

But every so often, I do something that shatters that illusion and reveals the ugly truth. After that happens I always jump into fixing mode and try to salvage what's left of the illusion and reinstate it into their minds. But not anymore. I'm done playing games. Today they pushed me to my limit. You want the truth? Well come and get it...

My moment of greatness...

Today was a good day. It gave me the will to move forward. I didn't actually think the event I attended tonight was going to impact me in the way it did. I saw it as a waste of time. As one of those things I just have to do. Yet it is on this very event that the clouds of bewilderness slowly started to scatter and I was able to see things more clearly. More clearly than ever...

As I gazed upon the people I ran away from so many years ago, I noticed something I hadn't before. They all seemed so small. So insignificant. So pathetic. I outgrew them all. If only I knew all the things I know now back then. Maybe things would have been different...

They say he who laughs last, laughs best. It may sound like it makes sense, but in reality the fact is that I still laughed last. Even if it was the loudest laugh in the entire world, it was still too little, it was still too late...

But now I wonder. How long can this laughter sustain me? How long will it last? But most importantly, I wonder, was it really the last laugh?

With blood shut eyes...

I've always been a person that likes to create plans. I guess it comes from my overcritical nature. I constantly think about everything, most of the time I think about things too much. So I make plans. But they rarely turn out the way they're suppose to...

I can execute everything to the letter. I can align all the elements, but there comes a point where all I can do is shut my eyes and hope things turn out the way they are shaped in my head. Almost... Almost... But not really...

I never thought that something as trivial as a post office error would be the end of everything. It's kind of funny when you really think about it. I mean the universe sure must hate you if it ruins years of work with something so...

Maybe this is some sort of sign that it was never meant to be, or maybe this just means that next time I'll have to try harder, or maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe there is no plan. Maybe there's nothing more I can do. All I know is that I'm tired. So tired that I can't even sleep...

Tell me baby, what's your story...

Where you come from

and where you want to go...

I can see her face...

I've decided to be optimistic for once. This last highschool year is going to be great. I'm going to do great in school. I'm going to have fun and most of all I'm going to get everything I want out of life. I mean it's time isn't it? Maybe if I look forward to the future instead of dreading it, things will go better...

I was in almost the exact same place a few years ago. I know what I should do and I'm going to do it. I just have to let everything go. I'm determined to make it this time. I was told once that if you want to stop all the crap that's happening to you, you have to stop accepting crap and demand something better. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. Screaming my lungs out and not backing down till my demands are met...

It's all about optimism. I can change everything, right? Or am I just fooling myself again? Am I setting myself up for disaster? The old me would believe that. But, things have changed. Now it's all about optimism...

No rest for the wicked...

Life has killed the dream I dream...

The long walk home...

I'm almost ready. The much needed isolation is slowly getting to me. I hope they settle their issues soon so I can go back home. I'm stranded, like a castaway on an island, with no form of communication, except for this thing that is not a blog. The silence and darkness are comforting. Their screams create scars that will never heal. But even so, in all this pain, I found healing. As misguided as their fights are, they taught me a lot of things. It is all those things that I must now use and make sure I don't fail Her again...

How does one integrate back into his previous world? A world he was forced to abbandon with no real explanation as to why. Will they still be there? Will they still care?

We're almost ready. There is nothing more to share, nothing more to say. All we can do now is embark on the long road towards home. Home... I wonder if it still exists. If it's still the same. In the end I guess it doesn't really matter. Because I'm changing. And as always, change is an extremely painful process...

No good at saying sorry...

Everyone out there who's a regular runner knows that the last 17 seconds of anything, especially a marathon, are the hardest. The last stretch takes longer and is more exhausting than any other part of the run. We feel tired, we aren't sure if we're doing the right thing or if crossing the finish line is even worth it...

Life, as well as running, is not a spectator sport. Win, lose or draw, the game, the run, is all about progress. Whether we want it to be or not. So go ahead. Argue with the refs. Change the rules. Cheat a little. Take a break. And tend to your wounds. But play... Play… Play hard. Play fast. Play loose and free. Play as if there is no tomorrow. Because it’s not whether you win or lose. It’s how you play the game. It's how you handle those last 17 seconds. You have to be strong. You have to push on. And most importantly, you have to believe in yourself. You might not have handled things perfectly. You might have disappointed a lot of people during the run, but at least you know you weren't afraid to stick with your beliefs...

There's going to be a lot of consequences when I come back. But I'm ready to face them, because I know I gave it my all. Win or lose, I rocked at playing the game...

Stairway to heaven...

Different people handle loss in different ways. Some flee towards family and friends and find safety and comfort in numbers. Others decide that the best way to deal with losing something or someone is to cut themselves off from the rest of the world and do some hardcore thinking...

Both ways seem to work, albeit being bipolar, their outcome is usually the same. The finish line is the same because both solitude and company go through the same stages of grief. The stages we all have to go through if we want to make it. Denial...

But what happens when we reach a roadblock at one stage and we aren't able to let go, to move on? Anger... We've all waged the war against life and its infinate unfairness. It's a war we do not fight with weapons, we fight it with rage...

When we finally lay down the white flag and realise that the war can never be won, we start to make compromises, we make deals, try to find shortcuts, we tell ourselves that even if we can't win the war alltogether we could perhaps win a battle, get a small part of what we desire. Bargaining...

Of course the thing about getting a small piece of something is that it's in no way what the whole thing would be like. A sheer battle is nothing, in the end it is pointless. Depression... So when it strikes us down, most of us find ease in selfpity, selfloathing. We give into our own pathetic nature...

Then lastly, when all is said and done a light points us to the truth. It's never going to happen. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we sacrifice. It just wasn't meant to be. Acceptance...

Dead in the nethers...

And now I find myself inside this jumbo bed,

I cannot eat nor sleep nor move,

oh god I feel so sad.

Why did they do it?

Does anybody know?

Can anybody say?

Will they ever come,

back in any way?

Alone together...

Where the sidewalk ends...

There is a certain time of night when all the children have been put to bed and the parents start to snore, that I lie awake and think of the secrets I've been keeping from the people around me. It might be an impromptu escape. it might be a horrific thing that happened in my past. It might be something I've done, that none of them will be able to forgive...

Sometimes I wonder how I managed to complicate things so much. But then I realise that I have simply come too far to lose it all. And if reaching the end means keeping secrets, lying and deceiving, then that is the price I will have to pay, because how can I expect to get everything I want without the will to sacrifice everything else in order to get it?

There is a certain time of morning. It occurs after everyone left for school and work. It's a time I think of the secrets I've been keeping, how shocked everyone would be if the truth was discovered. But mostly I think about how I'll do everything in my power to keep them from ever finding out...

The love circle overlap...

Family... Most people say there's nothing more important than the people with whom you grew up with. The very same people also believe that blood is thicker than water and that family should always come first...

They're supposedly the ones who show up when you're in trouble and help you get out of all the messes we're bound to create. They're the ones who should push us to succeed, even when we have given up on ourselves. They're the ones that should keep our most precious secrets and shield us from the ugly truth...

But what of those who have no family to rely on? What happens to those wandering souls, those who do not have anyone to help them in their hour of need? Well most learn to walk life's road by themselves. But a sad few of us simply stop trying...

Scream your heart out...

Call it wishful thinking but I can't seem to shake this feeling that everything up until now was just a bad dream. That I'm about to wake up and realise that it was all a terrible nightmare. Of course my instincts have been wrong before...

I've decided to quit an old habbit. I don't really know why. I guess I sort of think it simbolises all the things that went wrong, all the things I could have done differently. Habbits are funny. They're these little things we clinge to in order to feel we have enough energy to overcome the obstacles in our lives. They comfort us. They make us feel secure. They can even go as far as making us feel a little better about ourselves, even if it is just temporary...

But the thing about habbits is that they're a gateway to addiction. I've had my fair share of those and nothing is worse than having to give up something that is so inherently part of your life. Be it a person or a activity. Giving it up hurts like hell. And when the pain reaches unimaginable porportions, all you can do is scream...

The lonesome road...

It's almost finished. I can see the finish line and I'm slowly running out of options. There's one last thing I could try, but if I do I could lose everything, I could lose everyone...

They say desperate times call for desperate measures and I'm as desperate as one can get. I know what I have to do, and I think I have enough strength to do it. It's kinda funny actually. If I look back at everything, it's as if my past has been some sort of training for what I have to do now. I hate it. I hate the fact that things seem so obviously connected. That every action has a reaction. That everything supposedly happens for a reason. I hate it with every fiber of my being...

Yet because of it, I realise what must be done. I hope that one day they'll forgive me and see things from my perspective. It's probably too much to ask for, but still you never know, I might have underestimated them. Either way, I'm giving it my all. Sacrifices be damned. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. No matter the consequences...

It's all about you...

You are not your name. You are not your job. You're not the clothes you wear or the neighbourhood you live in. You're not your fears. You are not your failures or you past...

You are hope. You are imagination. You are the power to change, to create and to grow. You are a spirit that will never die, and no matter how many times you are beaten down you will rise again...

Know yourself. Know life...

Through her eyes the world was burning...

A song to build a dream on...

I was always fascinated by the power songs have over me. They can force me to think about things I thought I had long forgotten. They can make me wonder about the future and if I'll ever make it or not. They can even go so far as to make me question if I did things right, if I'm becoming the person I want to be...

I've never been good at writing songs. I guess it takes a special kind of mind to be able to shape emotions into lyrics. Whenever I try it always sounds so pathetic, sometimes even more than this thing that is not a blog. So here's a shout out to all you song writers out there. Keep doing what you're doing. Because if you do it right, you can change someones life...

Certain songs have affected me, more than I would sometimes like to admit. I'm grateful they did, because if they didn't who knows where I would be now...


Delimo se kot da noben nč ne ve...

A lifetime pilling up...

Happy birthday. I hope that you found peace where ever you are and I hope you'll have a lot of stories to tell when we finally meet up again. But for now I would just like to thank you. I want to thank you for your selflessness. You always put my needs before yours. You never thought twice about doing things that made me happy. You showered me with gifts as well as morals. I always came first...

I want to thank you for taking care of me for those 14 years. For being there when my parents couldn't or didn't want to be. You quit your job, you gave up your life to spend time with me, to be the parent my mother and father didn't want to be. You helped me grow up into the man I am today. If it weren't for you, I would have given up so long ago. You gave me strength. You gave me wisdom...

I want to thank you for teaching me how to dream. You filled our house with fun and joy. You gave me rolemodels; from actors to politicians, encouraging me to reach for the stars. But what I regret most is that I never got to tell you that the person I most wanted to be, was you...

I'm sorry you had to suffer. I'm sorry for not understanding. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye. Happy birthday and see you soon...

Operation manticore...

In life there are usually two different ways to solve problems. The way of the lion and the way of the scorpion. The lion is a closer. He stalks. He rushes. He kills. No shame. No mercy. It's quick. It's painless. The scorpion on the other hand, is a rogue. He hides. He watches. And when the time is right, he unleashes his venom. No shame. No mercy. It's slow. It's painful...

I figured out a third way. The way of the manticore. A hybrid between the lion and the scorpion. The manticore is godly in his might and demonic in his agility. He is poised. He destroys. He annihilates. No shame. No mercy. It's endless. It's unbearable...

Today, I made a wish. I wished for the same thing I wished 4 years ago. It is something that can never come true. But still I wish. And by doing so I am slowly transforming myself into a manticore. He can give me enough strength. He can make it come true. He will succeed where others have failed. He will set me free...

Rock bottom...

Vse sem dal, zdaj pa hoče še telo in dušo...

Game over...

Just when I think things can't possibly get worse, a day like today comes along and once again proves me wrong. I need to get out. I'm probably too late. But if I don't try I'll never know. It's done. If I come back, if She allows me to come back, I'll make things right. But for now all I can do is run. Run and never look back...

Barely hanging on...

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long, and when the dam bursts, all we can do is swim. Because here's the thing; we are tired, we are scared and we have no idea what to do. Denial does not change that. Sooner or later we have to put it behind and face the world head on, gun's blazing...

There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. But omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves, or lose the ventures before us...

Break on through...

I just found out possibly the biggest thing ever - denial is the key to everything. Deny that you're tired. Deny the fact that you're scared. Deny how badly you want to succeed. And most importantly deny that you're in denial...

It really does work. I mean if you see only the things that you want to see and believe only what you want to believe, you basically lie to youself so much, that after a while the lies start to take over and they seem like the truth. Denial allows us to create our own reality, our own world, and what could be better than that?

At this point I'm willing to try anything. I mean, what's there left to lose? At least this way I'll know that I did absolutely everything, in my power. No regrets. No looking back. Time is running out...

The kindness of strangers...

Sometimes the biggest changes in our life come as result of an impulsive decision. When you're so desperate that you think there is nothing left to do. But even if we try as hard as we can and run with our choice till the very end, things still rarely change the way we want to. But the way some things never change shines a light on those small things that do...

Like when a new person comes into your life and suddenly things don't seem so scary anymore. A person that in a strange way reminds you of yourself. And that very same person represent a breath of fresh air in your life and makes you see things differently, more clearly. But the most important thing to remember is that when you see yourself in someone else, they're not actually you. In fact most of the time, they're who we wish we had the courage to be...

What a wonderful lie...

Don't be afraid I'm not lonely...

Don't wait I won't be lonely...

I don't fear I'll go under...

I'm closer, closer to my life...

The ultimate test...

Where does it come from? This quest... This need to solve life's mysteries... When the simplest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? Why do we dream? What happens when we die? Because we aren't able to answer any of those questions, we all imagine ourselves the agents of our destiny, capable of determining our own fate; when we rise and when we fall...

Sometimes questions are more powerful than answers. We hold on to them and use them as weapons. They can strike someone down harder than any other blow. What are you? Why you and not others? Why now?

A battle of what exists and what is yet to be born is underway...

I'm the best you'll ever have...

The countdown...

You remember a while back, when I realised that there are some things we simply can't control and we can only get them, if someone up there decides to make it all come true? Well... I changed my mind. All that is bullshit. Screw him. Who is he to tell me what I can or cannot have, who I can and cannot be? I'm taking things into my own hands. I've set myself a goal. I am going to work towards it. I'm going to push myself until the very end...

The game is on. Me versus him - god almighty, mother nature or whoever is in charge up there. The ultimate battle has begun. Counting on him to level the playing field was probably the biggest mistake I ever made... Well maybe not the biggest but it's definitely way up there. I can do it myself. I've done it before, and I'm going to do it now. Game on...

Dying changes everything...

For as long as I can remember I've been able to sleep through anything - storms, sirens, you name it. Last night, I didn't sleep. It started with a superficial glance at my past, but as soon as I started thinking about everything, about everyone, it wasn't too long till my mind wandered to thoughts of Her. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that we went through. Memories of our shared experiences are always so surreal and ecstatic. All but one...

I know it wasn't my fault, I realise that what I did, wasn't why She passed away, but still. Her scream still echoes in my head. Her face of unimaginable pain haunts my dreams. The rush of emotions I felt, linger to this very day...

While bundled up in my bed, reliving everything and at the edge of tears, I admitted something to myself, something that I ran away from all this time. I realised that She could never forgive me for what I did and that I could never forgive myself. The worst part was that right at that moment, right then, I fell asleep. I fell asleep like countless times before, yet this time, I knew that when I'd wake up, everything would be different...

Living the dream...

I'm looking at it. It's right infront of my face. I can smell its stench. I can almost taste it. It represents everything. It symbolizes my entire life. I'm not sure how to live in a world where I don't have it. Without it I cease to exist...

I reach out to grab it. I clench my fist to claim it. Is it there? Do I have it? Is it enough for this world that claims I'm crazy? Will it be enough to set me free?

I did something that I'm not proud of. That probably deterred my chances. My chances of getting it. Why would I do that? It makes no sense. It is completely irrational. Selfsabotage...

I reach out to grab it. I'm afraid. I'm mortified. I'm not sure what scares me most. Getting it, or losing it forever. Will either be enough to set me free?

So close...

Under my skin...

I never meant to cause you trouble

I never meant to do you harm

my mind sores of all the stupid things I've done...

Don't ask, don't tell...

The universe is here to give us signs. Signs show us who we're suppose to become, they point us to the choices we're suppose to make when we stumble upon a crossroad, they help us figure out what the future holds. The guy up there who's in charge of my omens is quite possibly drunk. He's all over the place, literally spining me around with a bag over my head making me completely lose my sense of balance, sense of direction, sense of who I am...

All the dizziness wouldn't be so bad if I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I would accept all this madness of misconceived signs, if She gave me a break at least this once and show me what it all means, who I am destined to become. But I know her to well, there's no way in hell She's going to do that. And in some twisted way I get it. Where's the fun in knowing? The magic of everything, the magic of our human experience would be gone the second we would realise where the road is leading us...

Being brave enough to take that leap of faith, of walking in the dark, is what it's all about. Maybe that's just some sort of rationalization I clinge to, to somehow make it all seem ok. But maybe, just maybe I got it right...

The monkey has gone to heaven...

Hit by hit... Pain after pain... 

Eye for an eye... Death after death...

There is no other way...

People who say they don't have any regrets in life are full of bull. Every single one of us wishes she could change something, even if just a tiny bit of ones past, if given the chance. The hard part, is indentifying those moments, moments that changed your life, moments that led you to where you are today. Those are the moments most of us look back to and think; what if I made a different choice? How would that impact my life?

I have a long list of regrets, but to be honest, I'm not so sure I would be willing to change anything. I mean if I did somehow manage to do that, go back in time and slap myself before something idiotic came out of my mouth, I wonder how that would effect the present. Would I still be me? Would you still be you?

At the end of the day, regret is a funny thing. It symbolizes the choices everyone wishes could be different. It stands for all those things we are ashamed of, it is all those things that made us who we are...

An honest opinion...

Ever hear the expression that we can sometimes have our cake and eat it too? Well the thing they don't tell you is that it's a lot harder than it sounds. It may be that we're just to demanding and because our expectations are so high we automatically asume we should get to have it all...

But to be honest I haven't really met anyone who actually got to have her cake and eat it too. I guess that in all our disappointment, we usually find something that allows us to redirect our efforts, to change the way we think, to change the way we look at things, to change who we are...

Change... We don't like it, we fear it, and we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt or we get left behind. It really hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here's the truth; sometimes change is good... Sometimes change is everything...

A multitude of casualties...

Did you ever try really hard to impress certain people? Well I've worked my ass of for the last 3 years, thinking of almost nothing else than looking good in their eyes, being accepted into their world, being able to stand side by side with them and be treated as their equal. Now after all this time, I finally gained their respect, and as I gazed into them as we stood on the same level of the playing field, I saw something I never did before. It was like my judgement of these individuals had been clouded by my idealisation of what they represented...

The sad thing is that it's quite possible that they don't realise how pathetic they truly are. But now that I've seen their true colours, I can break free of their grip over me. Now the question remains; do I want to be set free at all? I mean if I stay under their chains, and at the same time know that those chains are merely fictional, they would still believe I am not a threat, the illusion they live in would remain intact, which would allow me to take control over everything, without them even knowing and when they would start to grasp what happened it would be to late...

I think it boils down to what kind of person I want to be. One that conspires, deceives and manipulates or someone who is honest, decent, kind... Who would She want me to be?

Make me lose control...

As human beings we need a lot to feel alive; family... friends... love... sex... But we only need one thing to actually be alive; a healthy heart, and when our heart is threatened, when our heart is broken, we respond in one of two ways. We either run or we attack. It's instinct, we can't control it...

or can we?

Piece of my heart...

Life has a way of giving us lessons, of teaching us about who we are, what we're suppose to do and where we're suppose to go. But the thing about life and the universe is that they really have a twisted sense of humor. I mean you go through all these different little tests and obstacles, for months at a time, being confused about what's going on, confused about what exactly you have to learn, confused about who you're suppose to become at the end of it all. Then when you finally get there, when you cross the finish line and see things for what they are not what you hope they would be, you get the oh so desired lesson...

Now the amusing part of all this is that the lesson is more often than none, completely different from what you expected, and you just can't help but sense the irony of everything that led you here, because all of a sudden everything that was previously so confusing is now crystal clear...

I was given a lesson yesterday, and it was so surreal and enlightening but at the same time I couldn't stop smiling, because the irony of what I thought my lesson would be and what it actually turned out to be, was absolutely... godlike...

Here's to the future...

dosti mene je ti

dosti tebe sem jaz

dosti mene še zdaj leti...

Detox...

I've heard somewhere that when you get bitten by a snake the best thing to do is to attach your lips to the wound and just suck the poison right out. And that's exactly what I have to do with my life right now, just suck all the venom out. At least that's what I should do...

But what if the venom makes me feel alive, makes me step out of my confort zone, makes me do crazy things and allows me to be the person I've been afraid to be for all this time? Not knowing what to do is usually foreign to be. I always have all the answers, yet I'm as torn as ever. On one hand that snake bite set me free, and allowed me to experience things I've been running away from for so long, for too long, but on the other hand there must have been a reason for me to fear and avoid the venom in the first place, right? I mean I couldn't have been so wrong about something so... imporant?

I don't know what to do... I feel the poison rushing through my veins and I know I could dispatch of it in a blink of an eye, but... The last time I felt so free and alive was when She was still here... I wonder what She would have me do... I guess I'll never know, but for now all I can do is wait, and hope that when I'm ready to decide it won't be too late...

My favorite mistake...

As people we have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of our personal histories, diagrams of all our old wounds. Most of them heal and leave nothing behind but a scar, but some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cuts long gone, the pain still lingers...

So now I ask you, what's worse? New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? I've heard that our old wounds teach us something, they remind us of where we've been and what we've overcome. Supposedly they teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. But the truth is that's just what we like to think...

Because that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again...

Careful what you wish for...

Because you just might get it...

The walls are caving in...

I can't measure up to him...

I can't make them care...

I can't make them understand...

I can't let them help me...

I can't let them in...

I can't say I'm sorry...

I can't say goodbye...

I am left with nothing to give, nothing in my grasp to reach, nothing. Nothing to hold me back...

Here comes the son...

For a long time I thought the key to being a success, to being great is what we give up. Sleep, friends, a normal life. I abandoned it all for that one amazing moment. That moment when I would have been larger than anything, larger than anyone. There were days that made the sacrifices seem worthwhile. And there were the days where everything felt like a sacrifice…

I was once told that I could have anything in life if I was willing to sacrifice everything else for it. I understand now that what She meant was that nothing comes without a price. So now before I go into battle I always decide how much I'm willing to lose, because way to often going after what felt good meant letting go of what I knew was right…

I fear for the sacrifices that I won't see coming, when I won't have time to come up with a strategy, to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. Because when that happens and the battle chooses me and not the other way round, that’s when the sacrifice can turn out to be way more than I can bear…

What a difference a day makes...

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I’ve decided. There’s no such thing as a grown up. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own...

But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. And just when we think that life and circumstance have forced us to truly once and for all become an adult, a day like today comes along and ruins everything...

We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But for the most part, we’re still a bunch of kids. Running around the playground trying desperately to fit in...

I’ve heard it’s possible to grow up. I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And against all logic, against all experience we hope...